Lost my partner to cancer

Dear Bobjake

You've started your journey of grief by putting your feelings and emotions into words on our site. Better than bottling it up. And no you aren't rambling my friend. In my view there is no advice anyone can give that will make any sense to you at this stage. But just know that all you have said about questioning your past actions, feeling guilty, and not wanting to go on is a  response people feel after losing a very muched love one. So you are not alone. Its the grief talking.  Believe it or not our loved ones in the final stage can decide the moment of their passing. My dear wife Anne did so 2yrs ago. She waited till  our two children  had left her hospital room before I felt inspired to tell her that I loved her and she was the best wife a man could ever ask for and the best Mum our children could have wanted, and they loved her to. Anne then passed over with a smile on her face. You were honoured my friend as I was  to have been given that privilege by holding your Maureen alone when it was her time to choose to pass. She clearly loves you very much. 

Geoff.

Dear Geoff 

Thank you for your reply and kind words and I’m sorry for your loss   

I do feel privileged as Maureen passed at home as I promised her. 11 years of happiness and being loved are to be cherished, I do realise how lucky I was as some never find or experience that but having that makes the pain of loosing it seem even harder. I have been told the pain is the price we pay for the love.   I just hope she knew how much I loved her. 
Jon.  

Dear Jon,

Believe me,  Maureen knew how much you loved her my friend. And yes the price we pay for love is indeed pain and I still feel it 2yrs on. If you,  like I did for a year,  experience an almost withdrawal from the world and going about your daily life in a zombie fashion it wouldn't surprise me. There seems to come a time when so many tears have been shed in the early months  that the well becomes dry. That's not to say we never cry again. A memory can catch us out at any time - and  even 2yrs years later for me,  yet I let the tears flow. And why not? I'll level with you Jon. You'll never be the same man again. But you'll survive and tread the daily path of survival. Some days will be fine, even laughter, other days not so good. But bit by bit and in your own way you'll continue your journey of life as a different man yet always feeling the love of your Maureen walking by your side.

Geoff.

Dear Bobjake,

I am so sorry for your loss. And I am glad you have found this forum. This is a place where you will find only people who understand because they are going through a very similar experience to yours - some, like Jeff, two years into this journey, some, like myself, a little more than three years long or more, and often we get new members like yourself. This is a place where you can put your thoughts and feelings into words as you have done with your first post.

I am so glad your Maureen was able to die as she wanted to, at home and in your presence. It is wonderful when it can be like that.

You ask whether it is normal that dying people speak seconds before they are gone. The answer is that it is different for every person. Some people are unconscious for hours or even days before they die, others are awake and alert right until the end.

You mention your doubts about whether you were patient enough or kind enough and things like that. This is a very normal thing to ask ourselves out of love for the diseased: were we good and kind and breave and loving and caring enough? But I am sure you know deep in your heart and despite all those thoughts that you did everything you could for Maureen. I know you did because you love her so very, very much. And believe me, she knew it too. This is why she held on for so long: because of the very special love between the two of you. As we are on this journey through grief, we come upon these thoughts about what we did and how we did and what else we could have done, until eventually the mind gets tired of asking all those questions. I honestly don't know why we are torturing ourselves so much, but most of us seem to do this to some extend or another.

It's very early days for you. My heart goes out to you. I understand how lost you must feel and how utterly heart-broken.

Please mind yourself and do whatever seems good for you right now. And please keep posting.

Lots of love

Mel

Dear Geoff 

Thank you,  I was very apprehensive about joining a forum, but I am very glad I have.  Unless you have experienced the loss of a true soulmate and someone who was so loved you can not imagine the pain as you know so well .  Thank you again 

Jon.   

Dear Mel

Thank you for your reply 

The mind seems to be a cruel thing at the moment I know there’s 1000s of happy lovely memories but all it wants to allow through are the last few weeks the painful memories.  Unfortunately I can’t look at photos of Maureen at the moment as I spent enough time in tears and if I just catch a glimpse it sets me off , it’s not that I don’t want to, I just can’t   

I don’t know why I question myself because I don’t believe it is possible to love anyone more than I loved her and she loved me but still I can’t help but question whether I told her enough, I hope I did. 
Thanks again Mel.  

jon

Dear Jon,

I'm so glad you decided to come on here. It is certainly a place we would all rather not be, but we are all sharing a heartbreak that no one can understand. I remember reading somewhere that grief is love with no place to go. But it is so much more. The depth of your grief is a reflection of the depth of your love. And I know exactly what you mean about finding that one special person in the whole wide world. It is so cruel when they are taken from us. Grief is an unwelcome companion and I suppose we all have to make our peace with it. It will be gentle on some days and punishing on others. I'm coming up to three years and there are days I just want to hide away and cry until there are no tears left. I still wonder if I did the right thing, loved my husband enough, if there is anything I could have done to change the course of our lives. But I have to remember the love above everything else. You were blessed by having the time you did with Maureen. (I had just over 12 years with my precious Chris). I suppose we have to just treasure the love we had and keep it by us to try to stay strong. Just do what you can to get through the days, remember that as much as you loved her, that is how much she loved you. 

Martha

Dear Martha

Thank you for your kind words , I shall read it several times, albeit through tears.  
Take care & thank you 

Jon

Dear All,

My wife Sam died in June of secondary breast cancer. Like Bobjake I have spent considerable time sobbing, surrounded by 35 years of memories. Like all long term marriages we had that shorthand and the "in" jokes that only we understood and the small things that meant a huge amount to us, so only I can see the minutiae which trigger waves of grief. I have tried hard to do everything since her death as she would have wanted, she left some wishes but... even so I think I have done some things she would have disliked. She died in my arms but had been unconcious for some days but I talked to her and told her I loved her I hope/believe she heard me.

At the moment tears are streaming down my face, all my friends and family have gone home and after some time away in Scotland I am home alone. The depth of my love seems to equate to the depth of my grief and once alone I struggle to see any future happiness, some days are good some days are awful.

I am so sorry for all of you, I know what you are going through and I am glad to have found others with the same grief, there is comfort in your words.

I wish you all health and happiness,

peter

Dear All

I am sorry you have had to join this group, but you will get a lot of support, as i did when i lost my hubby of 53years, the other half of me.

No one can understand when you loss that special person  you have shared your life with.

I had many conversations with my grown up children, i know it was there dad and they where grieving  as well, but the other half of you, i had never know a life with out him i was lost and i did not know who i was.

That is coming up to two years this October, and the start i did not think i would last a month with out him.

I could only do one day at a time and not look ahead, ad kept saying its just a day, days turns into a week and so it carried on.

I cried a lot, i was angry with him for leaving me, lost cut in half and did not know which was to turn, Life had no meaning, i could not listen to our songs,

Now i talk to him all the time telling him what i am doing, what is going on within the family, and yes i have cut your grass and painted your fence, that was a first now its part of this life i have,

I sing to our songs and times have a little giggle when special moments  of what we used to get up to.

He  made me laugh every day i miss that so much.

We all question ourselves did we do this did we do that, its a part of grieving, did i love him like he loved me, did i tell him.

Its all normal and we are not cracking up.though you fill like it at times.

I still cry though,not as much as i did, just  comes from no where,

I would love him to cuddle me like he did, kiss me in that special  way so much more.

I now look at it in a different way, i was honoured to have such a person in my life that loved me for who i am good or bad, not many people have that special person, i did, and so have you.

Use this group, it helps in so many ways, i would not be this far down the road, if i had not joined it, was my saviour at the start and still is,

Take Care Ellie xx