Lost my partner to cancer

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I lost my partner of 11years on 29th July. I had never known what true love was until I met Maureen, I was in a dark place when she found me and saved my life. Those dark thoughts are now back and I can’t see any way forward. She fought cancer since 2013 first breast cancer then lung cancer and finally bowel that went to her liver, never have I known a more brave, courageous uncomplaining person. She fought all the time because we were so happy together The loss is unbearable I spent all day in tears every thing I look at or touch has memories I feel like I’m going mad. To be honest I don’t really want to even try to carry on without her I just want to be with her again. The loneliness is awful . I just want to touch her, hear her voice and kiss her. The last days of our time together are not the memories I want as they are like a form of punishment etched on my mind. Was I patient enough was I caring enough did I do everything I could right to the end I have so many doubts and dark thoughts. The pain is like nothing I have ever known. She passed away in my arms and was talking seconds before she passed away, is this normal to happen this way ? I don’t have any close family and we weren’t big on friends as we just enjoyed each other’s company. This now makes the loneliness even worse. I feel like there’s a huge weight on my chest all the time, then I feel guilty because she would not want me to be feeling like this. Thanks for reading my rambling

MarthaGM over 3 years ago in reply to Bobjake

You are very welcome. Wish I could share a secret to make it more tolerable, but I am still searching for that myself. Be kind to yourself...

"i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) ..."
Life must end, but love is eternal.

Samperand over 3 years ago in reply to ellie 73

Thank you so much Ellie.

Bobjake over 3 years ago in reply to Samperand

Dear Peter & everyone,

I am so sorry that any of us have found our way to this group, but there are very wise words and kindness here. I spent large parts of my day in tears , then anger followed by guilt. Like yourself Peter I have tried to do everything that My Maureen would have wanted me to do and I’ve also done things I know she wouldn’t have wanted me to do, I promised I wouldn’t end up in a dark place full of sadness and despair, but that’s easier promised than done. I miss the look ! The kind words and just the feelings we exchanged without having to say anything. The loneliness is hard to accept if I didn’t have to care for our dog who is probably the only reason I am still here, I don’t think I would possibly get out of bed. I wish the day away , something I have never done. It’s been 6 weeks since Maureen passed away and I don’t know if this is normal but I feel worse now than I did last week, I had hoped my sadness and anger at the lack of support received from out of hours just before Maureen went would become easier but now I want heads to roll for their shortcomings.
and that’s something she wouldn’t want me to do.

The most odd things triggers floods of emotions, I can’t even open the kitchen cupboards without tears as everything triggers memories of something.

I don’t know if anyone else has this, last night I sat there and suddenly I looked at where Maureen would have sat and I can’t remember in my mind what she looked like and the harder I tried the more upset I became, I can’t look at photos as I find them too painful even though they are all happy memories, just hope one day I can look at them and take comfort from them.

I know everyone here is going through pain and sadness, and I do feel for everyone as until you have experienced the loss of someone you loved more than you can imagine or even begin to describe

God bless to you all

Jon

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