A difficult day

I’m sorry for your loss. 
I feel so guilty as Maureen wouldn’t want me to feel as I do but I’m not sure I want a future I don’t see how I can go on.  The memories that haunt me are ones of the last few days, the one I don’t want but they are etched on my mind.  
love and hugs to you too x

I understand the guilt as Bernard wouldn’t want me feeling like this but it’s early days and I think he’d understand how devastated I feel. I nursed Bernard at home during his last 3 days and I was alone with him and holding him when he died. I relive the moment of him taking his last breath many times over and the good memories I have of our time together are too painful to have just now. I don’t know how we get through this sorry but I am here for you if you need to talk. Sending love and hugs xxx

I have found that the pictures take me away from the memories that haunt me of the last few days before Gill gained her angel wings.  Yes I cannot look at them without tears streaming down my face, but at least for a short while I don't feel the guilt of wishing that she could slip away, that the pain and suffering could end - how much of a XXX must I be, to wish someone so beautiful would die. 

We had lots of amazing times together, nowhere near as many as we had planned, but cancer has a way of ruining your plans. In some respects we were lucky, we met young, had our boys strait away and took thousands of photos along the way, so the triggers for the happy memories are to hand.

I was with Gill at home when she took her last faltering breath, I see it replayed every day again and again, I just hope in time that the guilt lessens, that I can go home without the dread, that instead of it getting harder week by week, I learn to accept the new normal. 

That others feel the same, and some have come through this give me some hope that can do the same, that this overwhelming grief is "normal" and that there is no fixed timeline.  11 weeks seem an eternity, I assumed I would be able to cope after a few weeks, at least I now know that months is short, and that even in years to come it is to be expected that some silly thing might trigger feelings as deep and painful as I feel today.

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way too try and find a way through.  I also cared for My Maureen at home until she was stolen from me, I had my arm around her and I thank god for that.  Even though like yourself I relive every moment of the last days every day.   Take care of yourself x

For Everyone

I fill for you all, i as exactly  the same as you all are at the moment.

It is coming up to two years this October,and t the start i never ever thought i would get past the first month.

We to ha pink jobs and blue jobs, think that is the older generation, 53years the other have of me, i was lost, cut in half and did not know how to survive with out him,

I have painted fences, learnt what is a weed or plant, it was his garden and he loved it, its my garden now and i am impressed with what i have done.

I was diagnosis before Tom and he was with me every step of the way, have just done radiotherapy on my own, that was hard with out him. i needed him, but i done it,

Then our daughter got diagnosed with cancer major operation 2 months ago, in hospital at moment that tested me so very much, and i found strength from some where and i know he was with both of us.

I still cry though not as much, i am angry sometimes because he is not here,i miss him terribly  and it hurts,

Give your self time, take each day as it comes, that i how i done it one day then that turned into a week and so on.

Life carries on though in a different way it is not the way we would choose, though this is what we have to live with.

He made me laugh every day, that i miss the most,  i do not laugh like i used to, This journey that we are on, it has shown me we can and

do go forward if it is only very slowly, and i know this is what he would want me to and i will,

Its a long road and we are all in the slow lane, though there comes a time when we cross to the middle one.

You All Take Care Ellie x