WHAT I'VE LEARNED

Thanks for being honest, I know I wasn’t perfect all the time, Linda used to say to me sometimes, can I have a day when you won’t tell me off ? It hurt me then and hurts even more now. I really wasn’t aware I was telling her off. Yes things got tense sometimes and I snapped at her, mainly out of my own frustration and hopelessness for what I could do for her. She was ( I hate saying was, but is doesn’t sound right )a very sensitive person and reacted badly to anything bad said against her. I should have had more strength of character, she didn’t have a malicious bone in her body, I can honestly say she never in her life said anything bad to or about me. I really did let her down terribly, but, for my own sanity I can’t dwell on my mistakes, I must concentrate on the good times we had, which is where the photos and videos help. Reminds me of how truly happy we were. My family reminded me today that Linda told them she never stopped loving me from 1983 to 2005, during which time we both had new partners, in hind sight i don’t believe I ever stopped loving Linda, no one has made me feel the same, or anywhere near close, our love truly was and is eternal. I am struggling badly, but shouldn’t expect anything less having lost my lifetime partner, soulmate and best friend. A lot to lose, my new reality is a lonely emptiness that only Linda could fill, but that can’t be. So will continue on with this new reality, until we meet again 

What haunts me was one day when I was just emotionally checked out (this was during the final six months of Chris' life) and Chris sat down and said, "Please talk to me." I feel so guilty that I wasn't always present. I was trying so hard to be strong and brave for him. If I had let my guard down, if I didn't sometimes just become mentally absent, I wouldn't have been able to get through the day without bursting into tears and be unable to stop them. But against that memory, I have the memory of all the afternoons we would lie down so he could rest and I would stay with him and we would hold each other. No doubt, at some point, Chris would tell me he would have to change his shirt because my tears had soaked the one he was wearing. I miss him so much...

We all wish we had spoken more and told our partners every moment of every day how much we love them. I feel certain that out partners know this and we now only need to think the words for them to hear them. But even believing that I so long to be able to hold Linda in my arms, look into her eyes and tell her how much I love her and that she is my World my Everything.

I really never thought the day would come when we wouldn’t be physically together. I wasn’t prepared, although how in Gods name anyone could prepare themselves for this is beyond me.

in the last months before she left me, her body hurt so much, we couldn’t cuddle, even a standup cuddle for more than a few seconds hurt her. I used to sometimes sit next to her and hold her hand, she loved me doing this, was about as close physically as we could get.

Until we meet again my Darling Linda 

I'm not afraid of death. I know, when it comes, I will be with Chris again in a way that we can recognise each other. I know he is here beside me all the time, but I know when I die our connection will be closer than ever before...

When Linda was given the prognosis of only a few months in 2018, she told me that she wasn’t afraid of death, she had a devout belief in God. But in the past year she told me she didn’t want to die, she decided that life and the love of her family was too important. I was so sad when she said this, she was so prepared and made her acceptance, then decided she wanted to live. I so wish I could have helped her live much longer, the three extra years we had, were amazing, I am so grateful for her energy and strength & determination to keep fighting for so long. I honestly can’t say I am not afraid of death. I know my time will come and I really hope I will rejoin my beloved Linda once again, but unfortunately my belief isn’t as strong as Linda’s, but I so hope she is right, as I do want to see her again.

Hi Martha, 

What you said really resonated with me about ‘As far as another love’.  I feel exactly the same, I will never find someone as good as my lovely wife Lynn.  Why settle for something not as good as what you had before.   It’s far better to wait until I join my wife, don’t know when but sooner or later we will be together again.   Can I ask do you wear your wedding ring, mine is worn all the time as it gives me comfort.

Peter x

THANK YOU EVERYONE for your responses to my post. I truly didn't believe it would take off like it has with such varied and heart felt subjects being raised.

Love Geoff

Hi Peter,

I wear my husband's wedding ring on the appropriate finger. Arthritis robbed me of being able to wear my own wedding band or engagement ring, but, fortunately, Chris' ring fits perfectly. We got inexpensive silver Celtic knot rings when we married and his was lost during a move. He put it down to wash dishes and forgot to put it back on. But, I ended up making him a wedding band about two years before he died (I used to be a silversmith). I found an "angel feather" ring that I wear with his band to signify that my husband is an angel. I know that sounds silly to some, but it means everything to me. And, yes, it gives me incredible comfort to look down and see his ring on my hand. I also had a couple of bracelets made after he died. One has the date and map coordinates of our first date, the other is a leather cord with a silver collar on which I had the company engrave his name and dates and the first bit of the poem we loved by e.e. cummings. I have some of his ashes in a heart pendant and I recently bought a pendant of a real rowan leaf encased in glass - we loved rowan trees. All of these things make me feel as if he is closer to me. I also have his favourite suede hat hanging next to the front door and his dressing gown still hangs next to mine. That is where they belong...

Martha x

Dear Martha,

I wish I could say I love your very special and heart felt post to Peter  but sadly MacMillans update seems to be taking forever. So I had to give it a tick up. 

I lost my dear wife's wedding ring after 50yrs whilst she was in hospital. I was  dusting  around the living room and I think it fell on the carpet from the cabinet she placed it on where this idiot ignored the rattling in the hoover as he cleaned the carpet . Later after she had passed I lost my wedding  ring on a winter fishing day. It must have slipped off because the cold weather shrinks your fingers. The irony is I'd just had it enlarged. 

Geoff x

Thank you for your reply.  I have to say I was really touched by the ‘angel feather’ ring what a lovely idea and it isn’t silly at all we all find our own ways of expressing love and devotion.   You have given me some ideas of what else I could do to remember her by.    
Peter x