I just want him back. How long does this desperate wanting go on?

Oh Happy5, I don’t know what I can say and nothing I offer will make the unbearable pain you’re feeling go away. But it is, as you say, so very hard. So I’m sending hugs and letting up you know that you’re in my thoughts.

Jane

xx

To Smiley1234     [he site has gone weird...don't know why it has given my last post twice, or why I'm now wrting in between..]   .just to say that I have been re-reading some of the posts to help myself, and I'm so grateful, it makes me feel so much less alone...and I read Smiley1234's posts, among others. I am so grateful..Happy5

Ah my heart goes out to you! I think this was bound to happen once you took the green covering away and everything would be right in front of you again as it was before. I completely understand what you mean when you say that it feels as though it all happened only yesterday. All I can say is that you will get through this day, you can do it, you have done before, and if the tears and the heartache are strong let them be strong, let them do what they need to do knowing that these very difficult and painful feelings too will pass. Sending you a virtual hug! Mel

Oh Kenickiesmum and MelanieL, Thank you so much for understanding. I just can't get myself to do anything today, I am so full of grief....it does help so much, what you write. Thank you, xxx Happy5

Hi Happy 5

sending you understanding and a deep underpinning knowledge of what you are experiencing. If I have learnt anything in the time since my husband passing is that it is ok not to be ok!  Please allow yourself ‘ simply to be ‘ 
Some days I try to fight the feelings of despair and others I really try to push myself to attempt to ride the wave of grief , as for other days I am so overwhelmingly taken off my feet with the heaviness and emptiness of grief that I feel totally as if I am drowning ,in the most darkest of seas !  but then when I feel that I can’t get my next breath along it comes ( sometimes I wonder why) when I truly don’t know how I am still here ! But I am ! The despair, the emptiness, the loneliness , the yearning , the sadness of him physically not being here with me is a daily pain both my body and mind to experience however I have to try and be the best I can be for our sons and granddaughter. I am living according to others, to me I am simply existing until the day I can be back together with my husband. Our love is eternal, but this doesn’t stop or help with the overwhelming pain. I try now to ‘just do the now’ I don’t fight with my feelings of how intense they are, I know the reality in my head , although at times I think and feel that my heart cannot accept or even recognise the reality as it is just too much. I love my husband with all my heart , I love our sons and granddaughter with all of ‘ our hearts ‘ I carry my husband with me just as he is carrying me with him. When we love our loved one it doesn’t stop - hence the hurt and longing doesn’t get easier , but please know you are feeling what and how you are feeling simply because of the intense love you feel. Thinking about you with love x

Hi

you have exactly detailed how I feel, I live on my own, but do have family support, but sometimes I can’t see the point in living a pointless existence, I really hope that God will give me the strength to endure this most terrible of pains.

Peace be with you ️ 

Hello Happy5

i have hardly disturbed anything since my Wife passed, ( brings tears to my eyes just saying those words ) today I got the cool bag out, and when I checked the outer pocket, there was an empty pouch of Capri Sun orange juice, Linda used to love this drink, she obviously put the empty container in the pocket, the last time we went out. Brought a flood of tears, have put it with the other keepsakes of mine, couldn’t bear to throw it away. It’s so very hard, I want to change as little as possible in ‘our’ home. There are memories of her everywhere, and that’s how I want to keep it.

Hi

It’s just over 8 weeks since Ian passed away and the tears and sadness are just overwhelming and getting worse.

I met a friend for a coffee and catch up and that was lovely and apart from a few tears I was fine. 
However, I then had to pop to IKEA and all I could think about was the numerous visits I had with Ian and what we had bought together.  Not that he was a great fan of IKEA! 

Then, for the first time, I had to visit a supermarket and buy food shopping just for myself. Previously,  I’ve had family staying with me and buying for one was just awful and so sad. It just brought home the future  I will have without him and the future he has lost. He was so looking forward to growing old but still keeping his boyish good looks.

His cancer diagnosis came ‘out of the blue’ and with no real symptoms. When he went for initial scans the medical staff all said he looked too well to be there. He passed away seven week later, just as we were trying to bring him home from the hospital. 

The shopping is still unpacked and the items from IKEA in the car…..

Julie

Dear Arthurd and Smiley1234, 

 Thank you both so much.  What you both write echoes in me.    I now have to put back everything which had to be moved for the plumber and the builder to mend the large wet wall, and it is so hard, all on my own. Though I do get support from my beloved...it is hard. I still don't know what I will put back exactly as it was, and what I will really do. It was so hard to have to move things in the first place, things which were 'us' 'together'. I will go slowly, carefully, with tears also I expect....  I do understand where both of you are, and your words are so helpful to me in the middle of your own grief.  . I am very grateful.    xxx Happy5

If we can help each other, even in a very small way, that’s important enough.

I was looking for my Wife’s charm bracelet, which she started in the 1970’s many of the charms were life events we shared. I asked a few months ago if we could get it out as I hadn’t seen it in years, of course with Linda’s health problems etc. that never happened, which is a pity as I would have asked the story behind each one, now that option has gone. Family have some ideas, but nothing definite. After taking it from her Jewellery cabinet, I thought I should not have touched it, as Linda was the last person to handle it, but it was too late. Then I saw my wedding and engagement rings from our first wedding and my wedding ring from our second wedding, as I found I found I just could not wear a ring on my finger, wish now I had persevered and managed it. There was also the eternity ring I bought Linda in 1971, blue and white diamonds, remember it as though it were yesterday. Such painful but happy memories. I have put the jewellery back, although it felt good to see and handle them again, part of me wishes I had not disturbed them.

Lindas ashes are now at our Church, so need to arrange a date to have them scattered over her parents graves. Will not be an easy time for any of us.

All my