I just want him back. How long does this desperate wanting go on?

Hello Julie, my real name is Keith, I use a pseudonym for forums. So sorry to hear your news, the things you are experiencing are exactly the same for me. I woke up last week at 3am, convinced myself I didn’t do enough to stop my Wife dying, was in a complete mess. I contacted The Pallative team and received a long message explaining in detail the circumstances of her passing and that I did all I could and there was nothing else I could have done. It calmed me down, but still have doubts. She had breast cancer many years ago and after intensive chemo and radio therapy she got the all clear. But she got secondary breast cancer, and in 2018 was given 3-6 months. It was in her bones & liver, she couldn’t go through chemo again and the family respected that, she took other cancer drugs, which did help. She fought for over 3 years. Her health was good at the beginning, with full mobility, but this declined as time passed, but in those 3 years we had had many holidays, particularly Cornwall which was her favourite. We were very close to our family and had many family events, such as a trip to London, which she admired, but by this time she had to use a wheelchair. I don’t know how she remained so positive, such a strong determination. When she first had the prognosis in 2018, she said she accepted that she was going to die and was at peace with that, she had very strong religious beliefs and had strong support from our church. But  as time went by, she decided she didn’t want to die, that was one of the saddest things I have ever heard her say. As I said I became her 24/7 carer had to help her in and out of bed, bought a stairlift a year ago, as she could no longer get up the stairs, but this helped keep some independence for her. In July this year, she stumbled using a stroller and cracked a rib, she was no longer able to walk, so a hospital bed was installed in our lounge. She had 3-4 care visits a day, again she was still very positive and hoped once her rib healed she would be a little mobile again, we talked about sitting her at the edge of her bed to help strengthen her legs. She had been using the hospital bed for a week, when she had a visit from her sisters, whom she hadn’t seen for around a year. She decided to have a short sleep so she would be more awake for the visit, unfortunately she must have suffered a stroke or heart attack whilst asleep, as she then went into a deep coma. We all constantly talked to her, I combed her hair often as I know this makes her feel comfortable, bathed her face and put lip moisturiser on. The Pallative nurse came out and said there was nothing that could be done. I was beside myself, she was only laughing and joking with her carers that very morning. I phoned 999 and got an ambulance out, but unless I agreed she could go to hospital there was nothing they could do, she expressly told us she didn’t want to die in a hospital and had signed a DNR form. Close family stayed with her all day, keeping her comfortable and talking to her. We took turns holding her hand through the night and continued to talk to her about memories we had, holidays etc. At around 230am she opened her eyes and made eye contact, she told me and her daughter that she loved us, but despite struggling to talk she said no more, we asked if she was in pain and she nodded No, saying she loved me was a very special moment  i will keep in my heart for ever, I kept telling her how much I love her, was told she could still hear us perfectly.

at 0830 in the morning of the 17th July her good friend from church arrived and played some of her favourite hymns, during the second hymn she passed quietly and in no pain, with close family around her. My eyes are full of tears remembering this. Like you I am still in disbelief that I have lost my Linda ( Lindy Lou) although with every day that passes the I am forced to accept it.

Thinking of you

keith

i asked my GP for grief counselling and apparently they have a pamphlet at the surgery for me to collect, can’t see that helping unless I can actually talk to someone face to face, will collect it and see

Oh Keith, I am so sorry for your loss. I remember not long ago, probably in June, we had a quick chat on the Carers Only forum. And today your wife is no longer here with you. My heart goes out to you. It is still such early days for you. I guess it is a small comfort to you that she passed peacefully, without any pain or discomfort, and with her loving family around her. That is so wonderful, and it is so good that you were able to keep her at home as she had wanted all along.

My husband Paul died in May of 2018 and, since then, I have been an active member of this wonderful group. It is a group nobody wanted to join, but now we are all glad we are here, because the help and support we get from each other are invaluable.

Sending a virtual hug,

Mel

Dear Arthurd,  I'm so sorry for your loss. I can understand every word of what you write, and the pain and intense grief you are feeling. My heart goes out to you.

I also nursed my dear husband,24/7, but we only had 5 months from his diagnosis until he passed at home. I talk to him  and feel him near me so much of the time.But I still want him back here with me.....with me...

You have such deep grief, as we all have , here on this chat group. It may not help you now, but the awful first pain does lessen, with time. The grief is there, it never goes away I think, but the stomach-clenching pain and anguish of the grief gets less, or rather, it comes less frequently...this is what I am actually realising, with the help of this chat. It is now 1 year, 1 month and 3 days since I lost my beloved. Yet I can still relive the first weeks, which is where you are. And I did post the title, and I still don't know when it ends, except that it possibly never ends but instead slowly shifts, oh so slowly, and with the shifts there is a bit of relief for oneself...I us the word 'shift' and not 'changes' specifically, for myself. We are all similar, and yet we are each of us different in some ways...

May you gain strength from all of us here, to face each day. With my support,  Happy5

Thank you Mel.

it’s silly things that make me cry, Linda often didn’t hear me when I asked her something, sitting in the lounge next to her, she loved her IPhone game, colour by numbers, guess it was a distraction for her, I couldn’t get interested in such a game, but she said it kept her mind active, although very simple for her, considering she was once a member of Mensa.

However if I was in the kitchen making tea, she would hear the clink of a teaspoon maybe, and always called out “ Oh are you making tea ? I would love one” , every time I make tea I can hear her saying this, it’s really sad but also a comforting memory. She adored her garden, 2 years ago I built wooden planters so she would be able to tend her plants easier, as bending down to ground level was becoming difficult for her. She taught me how to cut the grass properly with stripes, such simple things always made her smile, she was so incredibly appreciative of everything done for her, however small. She had trouble getting toothpaste out of the tube when it was half full, I kept an eye on it, and got her a new one out and I used her one, all these things small as they are are a reminder of how much I truly loved her. She was fanatic about keeping the house clean and had a strict cleaning regime, which I followed tirelessly, anything to make Linda happy and comfortable. She often apologised to me for all the work she caused me, but although sometimes it did involve numerous trips back and forth to get anything she needed, I told her that nothing was too much of a problem. I miss her terribly and will love her for an eternity ️

Thank you, I guess I am not alone, in feeling life is pointless without my life time partner. I have been sorting through all of our photo collection, although 90% of them are Linda’s, did sort and date hundreds a few months ago, but still a lot to do, so difficult without her family knowledge, am relying on my sister in law now, as she has a lot of knowledge also of family history. Plan to scan them all and share with family. For the funeral service, myself and each of the children ( five, three from our marriage and we each had a child from our second marriages ) chose our favourite photos of Linda, made 3 pin boards of the 105 photos and displayed them in the church on the Thursday that Linda was in there overnight and for the Friday service. Bought back so many memories, I have just put them all in a photo album, so can can see her smile anytime I want. Plan to make some photobooks of our holidays and family visits, just can’t stop looking at her, so energetic, so full of life with her amazing smile.

I consider myself very lucky to have had a second marriage with Linda, another 13 years together plus the 11 years from our first marriage. So many adventures so many memories ️

Hi Keith 

I honestly understand the depth of your grief but I try my best to think that I feel so  overcome with my grief simply due to the overwhelming absolutely beautiful total love my husband and I shared for over 38 years together and still share just as much even now and it has been nearly four years since my husband was physically here. 
Our love is eternal and although my husband physically isn’t here he is still with me in every other way. I talk openly each day and night to my husband and I honestly feel his presence and his love! 
I have not moved anything of my husbands, his clothes are still hanging in our wardrobes, his wallet is where he left it his toiletries still where they have always been! Everything is still in its place just as my husband is in my heart as always was and always will be. We were and always will be as one. Yes I ache for him to come home, yes I cry constantly, yes I need him, I wish with all my heart he could be here just as he always was but honestly with all my heart I have to believe although not physically but in every other way he is still here with me as I could not do this pain without him . 

please know the love you have with your wife will never break, True love has no boundaries, just do one step at a time as in my experience that one step is at times hard to do. Gain strength in the knowledge of the love you share, thinking of you and your wife x 

Thank you so much, I feel exactly the same, the need to have Linda back with me is totally overwhelming. I cried constantly for the first two weeks, I now have moments of tears as a particular memory returns, I don’t know where I am getting the emotional strength from. I feel guilty that I am not still constantly crying, The only thing I know for certain is that I am so very lost without her, she was my world, my everything, I didn’t go out drinking with the lads etc. ( not that I have any friends anyway ) we were devoted to each other, enjoyed each other’s company and even a trip to the sea wall, with Linda in her wheelchair was for us a special event, we so loved doing anything together, with few exceptions, we had the same interests and loved the same sort of holidays.

I now find it so very difficult to get motivated, mostly just don’t see the point, hate going to bed and hate waking up, to face another Groundhog Day. In time I will find ways to manage, but for now, I just want to continue sharing my life with my Linda. I truly never thought the day would come when I would be alone, even though deep down I knew it was likely to happen. 

At least I fall asleep easily, usually 0100-0800, My two daughters are still struggling badly with sleeping. At least we are able to share our emotions and good memories, it does help.  Very best wishes Keith

Hi Keith,

Paul and I were exactly like you describe you and your lovely Linda: doing everything together and not even feeling the need to have somebody else there, we were enough for each other, and as Paul's health deteriorated, I realised that every minute of every day was so special to us that being with other people would only somehow have taken from that time. Looking back now I think that it was good in one way but it also meant of course that when Paul died I had no friends and had to make a lot of effort, and still do, to find people here in Ireland.

Love

Mel

Hello Mel

i have never really had a large network of friends, had school and work friends, which mostly doesn’t even extend to Christmas cards now, with the exception of two, one of which I spent a long while on the phone to, discussing our emotions . He lost his Wife years ago, but I can tell he is still in a lot of pain. He said he couldn’t go out of the front door for a long time, so it must affect us all in different degrees. I can manage such things, maybe I had more family support than he did in the first weeks. When Linda passed, I setup a wattsapp group chat, for us all to be open about our feelings, it worked very well, a mix of extreme sadness and happy memories. However since the funeral, it has gone really quiet, Inguess they all have their own lives to lead, but can’t help feeling abandoned. I know it’s not my children’s responsibility to look after me, but it’s an awful feeling. When I contact them, I do get replies, but it’s not enough, can’t really explain it and feel I am being selfish, as they have their own grief. My life will truly never ever be the same. I really do feel I am just going through the motions, with no real targets or desire to do anything. I am trying to keep the house clean, as Linda was so very house proud, it will never be up to her standard, but will do my best.

Linda bought a cordless vacuum cleaner for the kitchen, being lighter she could mange it easier, she vacuumed the kitchen floor several times a day, couldn’t stand any crumbs on the floor. As she became weaker, she couldn’t manage to lift it back into the charging cradle, I showed her how to just leave it standing upright and I would put it in the charger later, think she only did this once, as she didn’t want to make extra work for me. Then as her strength diminished she couldn’t use it anymore, so several times a day I vacuumed the kitchen floor, as I know she could hear it and it made her more comfortable. 

Now I also vacuum the kitchen floor a few times a day, as I know that’s what she wanted. She had a strict cleaning regime, I kept trying to get her to reduce it, but she was adamant. I have now setup my own, slightly relaxed one, but a regime nonetheless. I miss everything about her, there was nothing we didn’t discuss together, she was and is my very best friend ever ️

sorry this is a bit jumbled, trying to type whilst crying isn’t  easy 

Please take care of yourself Mel and thank you

i feel it would be nice to post some pictures of myself and my Wife, no one seems to have done this, wonder if it’s not considered right or just nobody has thought of it ️

This is not a reply to anyone, this is an unloading of my inner self, like the title......to share, to get this off my chest, to express myself......I had all, everything, in our sitting-room covered in green plastic sheeting for the last 9 weeks, waiting for a soaking wet wall to dry, the plumber, and then the builder. I removed the plastic.

And now I can see the chair which my beloved husband sat in, and the side-table with his personal possessions on it, which I had left just as it was one year and one month and six days ago... ..after they were covered for two long months...and it was such a trauma, such a shock, .....I feel all the grief as if it was yesterday..... And all the wanting him back....and all the disbelief that this has all really happened....One cannot protect oneself from unexpected things like this, I know, but it is so hard.......