Can’t believe what has happened

Hi Trixieone.

I feel your pain and life can be so cruel

I lost my wife 10 weeks today and i am still numb.we were also very close and that makes it so difficult when they are not there by your side.

We have to carry on and cherish the happy memories we have,not the bad ones (so i have been told).

Try and keep busy which does help and talk on here and hopefully you will hear other peoples experiences which may help.

Its the hardest moments of our lives what we are all going through but hopefully we will improve in time.

You take care x

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful Ian. And I am so glad you have found this group as we are all here because we understand and want to help those who are new on this and wanted path.
it is very early days for you. Your whole system is still trying to adjust to the shock, the loss, the pain that comes with that.

It will get easier over time. But for now what I would say to you is: mind yourself as best you can, take all the support from family and friends and from this form you can get, and be kind to yourself.

it's a little over three years that I lost my beautiful husband. and I remember the first days and weeks being so hard, really horrible, so much so that I sometimes didn't want to go on. thankfully there were people around me who told me to take it one day at a time and it really helped.

Love, Mel

Hi Steveho

Thank you for your kind words especially as you only lost your wife 10 weeks ago.

It’s been quite hard today to smile and play with my 3 year old granddaughter. I even had tears when reading her bedtime story as it brought back memories of Ian or grandadad as she called him! Luckily she didn’t notice.

I’ve kept myself busy with housework as we always shared the cleaning and Ian worked hard to   renovate the bungalow we now live in.

Hi Mel

Thank you for your kind and positive thoughts.

I still can’t believe what has happened and I keep thinking about Ian’s final hours over and over again.

We did try and bring him home but he became too agitated and he died soon after. I had the hospice team advising it was ok to take Ian home and the ambulance crew advising against it as in their experience, they thought the journey would be too much for Ian. Luckily, I listened to the paramedics or else Ian would have died in the ambulance.

Even the doctors were surprised at how quickly the end came. The day before my daughter and sister worked until midnight arranging a room at home for him complete with hospital bed and oxygen but it was never used. They even sent me a picture to show how ‘cosy’ they had made it for Ian.

It’s  so hard to come to terms with how quickly he passed away and my only comfort was that he was never in pain and that I was with him through the night and  at the end.

Hi Trixieone,

Cancer is so cruel. It robs of us of so much. For the cancer patient, it robs them of life. For the survivors, it leaves us in a kind of emotional limbo. So hard. You'll get through this. It won't be easy and it won't be without tears, but you will get through this. Be kind to yourself, surround yourself with love and support, and seek counselling if you need to. We are all going through this. And, of course, no matter the number of months or years that may have elapsed, we are still going through it. Unfortunately, I think grief, like true love, lasts a lifetime.

In the months to come you will go through the stages of grief over and over again. It is not linear, it does not follow a pattern. Allow yourself to ride the waves and know that you will come out the other side. Grief will never disappear entirely, but it will become a part of your life and you will learn to co-exist with it.

Gentle hugs and love to you,

Martha

Yes it happened all very quickly by the sounds of it which only makes it more difficult to understand now because your psyche didn't have much time to adjust in any shape or form. Hopefully it will get easier with time.
lots of love, Mel

Hi Mel

It was Ian’s funeral on Tuesday and everyone said how lovely it was. I was surprised that I didn’t dissolve into a puddle of tears and was able to chat with all the different ‘groups’. 

It hit me the following day when I realised I was coming home without him.

Friends and family ask how I am but the truth is I just don’t know. On the surface I function ‘normally’ but I keep wondering if any of it is really happening and I feel quite detached from what is happening around me at times.

 I’m sure people are surprised that I’m not in floods of tears all the time but I am, just privately. 

Take care, 

I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. I do resonate with what you are saying though. My wife passed end of April and I’m still reminding myself she’s not coming home. She went in for blood tests on the Saturday and was told on the Monday she had 2 weeks and was brought home and passed in her sleep 10 days later with myself and her parents by her side. 
She was recovering from spinal surgery and had been off treatment for 8 weeks and the cancer took over. I’m not going into how angry I am at the lack of care from her team. It was so so quick and I still can’t understand it at times.
Like you, I function on the outside but I am in pieces a lot of time on my own at home. My response is “I’m ok” but really I’m not. That’s where I think this forum has helped me understand that I’m not alone in this. 

Hi Hippodog

I am so sorry about the loss of your wife and how quickly the cancer took her life. It’s the speed that is so hard to come to terms with as well as the loss itself. 

Ian showered on the Monday morning, went into hospital during that afternoon, was told there was nothing they could do on the Wednesday afternoon, prepared to come home on the Thursday, but that was put off until the next day, and sadly, he passed away on the Friday morning.

He never had a fighting chance as treatment of his brain tumour took precedence over  chemo which he never had the time to have.

I'm so  sorry about the lack of care by your wife’s team as I can’t fault Ian’s. They did all they could for Ian but the consultant told us the cancer was just too aggressive.

My son and his family are flying back to Spain on Sunday and for the first time since Ian died, I shall be alone in the house. My daughter had planned to come and stay but is self isolating as someone at the funeral later tested positive for Covid. 

I've been looking around the garage and wondering what on earth do I do with all Ian’s tools. Silly I know when there are more important matters I should be getting on with.

Ian was my best friend as well as my husband and enabled me to be the person I am today. I’m not sure I can be that person without him. We always joked and said he could manage without me but not the other way round as we live in a semi-rural location. Little did we know what life would throw at us.

Hi

I am so sorry for your loss, the pain and the grief you are going through is horrendous and unimaginable.

My husband died last Christmas from kidney cancer which had spread extensively. He too had no symptoms, I dropped him off for routine blood tests and he was gone in 2 weeks. The shock was massive.

The last 7 months have been very, very hard but I am in a better place than I was, I suppose the grief isn't so raw.  I miss my husband all of the time and still cry most days but I am managing to function a little better now.

My daughter stayed with me for a month and then I was on my own.  As other people have said be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time.

Keep posting on here when you need to , there have been times when I've felt I couldn't go on but this group has always been there with the support I have needed. 

There is always somebody here to offer kind words as we've all experienced very similar.  You aren't alone.

I had counselling from the hospice where John died which helped me understand my erratic feelings and the fact that I wasn't going mad!

I too have the same thoughts about the tools in his shed....I have no idea what some of them are! But they're still there, there's no rush to do any of these things.

Take care and don't expect too much of yourself xx