It's too soon

Hello Nellie.  I am so sorry that you had to lose your husband and especially sorry that you couldn't be there with him, but you will be glad that he has avoided all the suffering that goes with the later stages of this awful disease.

My husband died almost two years ago and, although the grief is less raw now, it still seems like yesterday.  I miss him every day but I am now able to think more about the good times than the bad.  He had Cancer of the kidney and had several operations.  He managed to survive for six years, most of which we were able to enjoy together.  The Cancer finally travelled to his spine and he spent most of his last year paralysed from the chest down.  He didn't complain, just got on with sourcing an electric wheelchair and now and then I would drop him off at an agreed meeting point where he would meet with old friends and gossip.  Although looking after him was really hard work, he made it so much easier by smiling a lot and cracking jokes with carers.  He was so brave and considerate, even when in terrible pain, right to the end.  

Maybe when Covid and grief permits, some of us widows/widowers could get together and help one another carry on with life.

Barbara

Dear Nellie,

I am so sorry you find yourself amongst us. Cancer is a very cruel disease and my most fervent prayer is that we find a way to eradicate it completely so other men and women, families, children, parents, never have to grieve the unnecessary death of someone they love.

It's hard not to get lost in the "if onlys." It's been nearly three years for me and I still question things I did and what I could have done differently. I think the thing to remember is that cancer is basically immune from anything. And I know our spouses/partners knew how much we loved them until the last moment. Please be kind to yourself. Grief is damned hard and it takes its time coming and going. I still have days when I want to crawl away and die. But I have to remember that I'm still alive and while my life may feel like nothing more than an existence at times, I am still here and because I remember my husband with such a living, breathing love, I feel that he is still with me. Cancer took away his physical self, but his spirit, his joy, his laughter remains in my memories and heart. That is what we must all hold onto and cherish.

You will find some days challenging and you will feel a crushing sadness at times you least expect it. But, as time goes by, the sadness will be replaced with the happy memories and you may find yourself smiling or laughing when you least expect it, too. (And when you do feel happy, don't feel guilty about it. That's another weird thing I've found about grief. As if my not being sad is dishonouring my late husband. It's a weird paradox!)

Martha