So today it’s 250 days since I lost my lovely Chris, the worst 250 days of my life. The overwhelming sadness that never ever leaves, even on the days which are less bad than others. I know outwardly it looks as though I’m coping but really it feels more like functioning- I get up, showered, dressed, eat regular meals- do the stuff I need to do but I still shed tears every day when something sets me off. It can be something unexpected that just hits me or the final locking up and switching everything off as I go to bed. I HATE that time of day.
I’ve struggled a bit the last couple of weeks. I had times when I was sure I could hear him moving around the house and I almost expected him to walk back in the room, give me a hug and tell me that it was all over and had just been a very bad dream. And another day, I just relived the day of his funeral- not all of it but certain parts of the day. I also found myself sobbing in the garden. I’m not a natural gardener by any stretch of the imagination but Chris was. The garden was a labour of love, his pride and joy and much admired. I’m trying my best to keep it looking as good as I can. But I was standing in the garden trying to decide where to plant some things I’d bought to fill the gaps, the robin appeared on the fence and that was it. I just cried because I didn’t know what to do and he would have known.
I’m also aware that I’m approaching the one year on from the start of the nightmare. Chris got his original diagnosis at the end of July. I’ve always had a thing about dates (it’s my dad’s fault), I rarely forget a birthday or anniversary. So I know that the weeks from the end of July through to October are going to be hard and this fills me with dread too. So you can expect more of my ramblings in the weeks ahead.
So I’ve wittered on again, but like others have said, writing it down and sharing is helpful to me. I know there are people out there who understand in a way that no one else really can. This is a rollercoaster ride and I was never that keen on rollercoasters. Thank you for being there.
Take care and sending hugs
Jane
xx
