Still on that rollercoaster

Oh Jane I do understand your words and feelings.

I have always been the gardener in our house but my beloved was always around tidying after me, moving things and making a cuppa(or opening a bottle of wine).   Yesterday I noticed the first peas have grown - I don’t enjoy peas but he loved them so I’ve grown them for him. Silly eh? Maybe I can give you a bit of advice sometime - about gardening that is! 

I know what you mean about functioning. I wake up and then feed  and walk our very old dog before making a coffee and creeping back into bed. I spend ages telling myself to get a grip but also asking myself why I should bother. 

Our diagnosis of terminal cancer was three years and one month before my beloved died. Of course then bloody COVID came along and despite the horrors of that it gave us eleven months where we were alone. My biggest problem now is knowing how to find my place in the world again. 

I’m sure we will be ok one day but for now I can’t see the end of this tunnel I’m stuck in. I send you my love, best wishes and gentle hugs. We can do this Jane.

June xx

Thank you June for such kind words 

xx

You’re welcome Jane. I’m always around if you need to chat. June x

Hi Jane

I don't have any words of wisdom but just want to say that I totally know how you feel.

Its just over 6 months since I list John and every morning I wake up with a heavy heart and such sadness. Some days are such an effort and all the time there is this huge aching emptiness inside.

 I relive times when he was ill over and over, torturing myself I know, hopefully that will get easier with time.

So sending you a huge hug and to let you know that you aren't alone. 

Sarah xx

Hi Jane,

I am so sorry you have been struggling more the last couple of weeks. I do think it may have something to do with the one year anniversary you are approaching. Around that time I, and I think many of us here, have felt particularly low. I can understand how there are days that are a little better and then the smallest thing can set you off. And I also understand how some days are just really bad. I think it is wonderful that you are finding this group here a lifeline, somewhere you can turn where you know people will understand and care. I am sending you a big virtual hug. Maybe you would like to come to our meeting on Tuesday?

Lots of love

Mel

Mel, I’ll definitely be joining you on Tuesday. It’s in my diary. Thank you too for your wise and comforting words

Much love

Jane

xx

Thank you Sarah. That’s what makes this group so valuable- others just get it. 
Sending hugs

Jane

xx

Hi Jane, 

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been feeling a little low of late and I do hope you’re feeling a little better now.

The first paragraph you wrote perfectly describes my situation too and it also summarises my typical day, the only thing that differs is the number of days since our loved ones both passed.

I’m also obsessed with dates which as you know isn’t always a good trait to have as theres always an anniversary of some description that has happened during their treatment or illness just around the corner.

You’re so right about this journey being like a rollercoaster where we’re up and then down like a “Big Dipper” and like you I always hated them too.

I send you hugs and I do hope this journey settles down for us all one day and we all find peace.

Take care Ian and PS I hope you’re enjoying your granddaughter xx

Hi Jane, it has just been 4 months since I lost my wife to cancer & the heavy pain of loss never goes. I do know where you are coming from and have been through many emotions daily from extreme anger and sadness to being lost & unsure of what to do. I went crazy for a while doing lots of DIY but then found out after around 3 months that I was throwing myself into things which were taking up all my time and I was not taking the time to try and process what had happened to myself and family due to me losing my wife. A terrible thing to contemplate going forwards in life on your own after losing your soulmate even having family around. I have now slowed everything down but will still keep myself occupied to a lesser degree. I had 36 years with my wife and know have to go forwards with her in my heart and I know that I will always miss her. Take care Jane and chin up, not easy trying to process and work through such personal tragedy and I hope that you do have friends and family to help. I am only now allowing friends back into my life and I have noticed that my anger at losing my wife has become less intense since talking over my loss and grief. I know it’s not easy as I continue to struggle myself but good luck and take care. Dave

Thank you Ian for your reassuring reply. The end of this month starts the one year on bit of our journey but my wonderful boys are supporting me as best they can, remembering that they’ve lost their dad too. But we can get through this together- battered and bruised but knowing that we’ve done it. 
Definitely enjoying my granddaughter, if remotely- my younger son and daughter-in-law live in the States so technology is my saviour for keeping in touch. I’ll be first at the airport just as soon as the US are accepting UK travellers!

Hope you’re doing okay or as okay as is possible 

Thank you again, sending hugs

Jane

xx