My wife

Hi

Sorry you have had to join this group, but you will get a lot of support from every one. We have,  been where you are.

Its twenty months for me now, i never ever thought i would or could survive with out him.

At the start of this journey and that's what i call it, i felt guilty did i do enough, i was angry with him for leaving me did i do enough for him while at home and in the hospice, re lived those last two weeks over and over,, and could see what he was and had to go threw, i blamed my self, do not ask why that is how i felt.

Over the last few months it has become a little easier, in the fact i have now accepted he is not coming home, this is real and i have for the kids and him, make the best  of this situation.

I smile more now when i think about him and giggle, talk to him every morning and say goodnight.

It is take one day at a time, you can not rush these feelings, do not get me wrong i still have down days, but they are getting fewer, and i do not cry as much now, though i have my moments.

Every one is so different in how they process this grieve, the good memories will one day creep threw, and over take the bad moments  its takes time, how long who knows.

Take Care Ellie x

Hi 

yes I feel exactly the same.  It will be a year this week since my beautiful hubby went, his last few weeks in the hospice just keep replaying over and over like a stuck recording. I keep questioning did I tell him enough how much I loved him, I was only allowed to see him for two hours a day due to COVID so feel robbed we were not together every minute. I was however allowed to sleep over the last night and feel so relieved to have been there holding his hand when he went. 
Occasionally I do remember happy times, we did have so many years together, but when will the horrible memories be replaced by more happy ones.....I do not know. 
There is no right or wrong way to grieve, I think you have to do what feels right for you at the time. 

Hi Forever Autumn.

i also questioned whether i told her enough how much i loved her but i know that i did on reflection.My wife was in the hospice for just 5 days but when i was telling her one day she whispered it back to me even though she was in and out of sleep and no conversation was happening.

I was also there at the end holding her hand.

Hopefully in time we will start to feel better.

Hi steveho 

It been seven months for me.  at the beginning I think everyone feels the same I know I did all I could think about was my husband's last 2 days , he went down hill verry quickly  it was less than 3 weeks from diagnosis to him passing in the final week  he went from a man that fitted in to medium-sized cloths to someone that looked about 20 stones  it turned out the cancer has spread from his lungs to his chest and he was getting a build up of fluid but we put the weight gain down to the steroids he was put on  . every time I closed my eyes all I could think about was the way he was when he died not the person he was before the cancer it nearly destroyed me but after I got all the official stuff out of the way I started going through all the pictures we had , we weren't the type of people to put pictures up but I now have photos framed all over the house of him it is a visual reminder of the person he was before the cancer .

I still have time that I cry and think could I have done somthing different but they're not as often as they we're I can think more about the good times hopefully in time you can feel the same 

 kate

Hi

i am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I have been haunted by images of Stephen just before he died- he lost 30% of his body weight and I just remember huge eyes looking at me intently. I nursed him at home for 6 months and then he died on my arms in hospital after a day and a half. I still see those images after the last 2 months but I look at photos and videos of much happier and healthier times and these are starting to embed in my mind. The intense pain of loss remains, but I can visualise him in a more positive way. Seeing your love pass is traumatic and I think this is why those images are so vivid. But, I have far more happy times than his end of life and I refuse to let those horrific images dominate. Reminding myself of all the good times (which far outnumber the bad) helps me. However, we don’t all grieve in the same manner and there’s no wrong or right way to - so I just do what helps me to feel more positive - which is hard sometimes! All you can do is just respond to how you feel which can also change - sometimes daily!! 
Sending love x

Hello Steveho,

I'm so sorry you lost your wife. It's been nearly three years since my husband died and I think it does get better. I find myself reflecting less on his final days and more on all the wonderful days we shared before he got sick. This doesn't mean that I don't have low days. I've been going through a really rough patch lately. But it comes and goes. And when I'm not actively mourning, I do feel better. Trying to find ways to reclaim my life. Doing that does not negate the love or sense of attachment I still have and will always have for my husband. He was the love of my life and always will be. 

The fading of the bad memories will continue with time and those sad memories will be replaced by happy ones. It just takes time and every one goes through this differently. Seven weeks is hardly any time at all. I think I was probably still quite numb at that point. I have found writing helpful. 

Hopes this helps...

Its tough at times and i do have good days.i try to keep busy and i am decorating and gardening at the moment.its the loneliness at certain times.i know life has to go on and thats what are loved ones would want.

Absolutely. After my husband died, I redid our living room (we had set up his hospital bed there so he could enjoy the view). I wanted it to be a place full of his favourite things and full of memories rather than the place where he died. That project really helped me. But you have hit the nail on the head - it's the lonely times. I find nighttime the hardest. But I also find that I react to everything more emotionally than I used to. I talk to my husband every day and find that helps, too. He's there...remember we are made of energy that cannot be extinguished. Our bodies simply serve as vessels. I love the sentiment that grief is simply love with no place to go. 

Take good care.

Hi Kate,

Wow that's lovely how you describe the change you have gone through from thinking only of the last two days of your husband's life or the final weeks to being able to think of the good times, and to put the pictures around the house to remind you of the man he was before cancer came into your life and destroyed it all sounds like a lovely thing to do. I hope you can continue to feel more positive and remember all the good times.

Love Mel

Hi steveho,

I think this is something that most of us experience at first. We remember the bad final weeks, days or hours because they were so traumatic and the last thing we wanted to happen. I can understand why you are trying not to think of your wife - you think that only the bad memories will come - but I think the only way is always through the pain, not around it by which I mean: I think you have to stop trying not to think of your wife but, instead, think of her and let the bad memories fill you up, make you cry, make you feel desperate, because somewhere behind the storm of those dark thoughts you will find the beautiful ones.

Love Mel