Flashbacks and regrets

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My darling partner died in April I miss him terribly and still can’t believe he gone Nd I ll never see him again we loved each other so so much . Just recently the past couple of weeks I ve been having flashbacks and what I should have could have done . My partner asked for none resuscitation now I feel As if maybe I could have tried to help him . I told my mum and she tries to reassure me it would nt have helped . He was at home where he wanted to be it was his wish . I think of the nurses coming in giving him drugs to calm him and keep him comfortable. I question myself what were the really giving him He never really Came round 3 days before he died . Was nt eating or drinking or communicating. I know I m probably being selfish just wanting him back for myself . It’s nearly 2 months since we lost him and I don’t think I can bear any longer with out him what do I do . I m off work The moment for another 2 weeks and having online counselling with cruse when I need it but not actually seeing face to face . Is this part of it flashbacks n regrets . Heartbroken

MarthaGM over 2 years ago

Dear Ktc63,

Flashbacks and regrets are totally normal. I think all of us have gone through this and, at nearly three years since my husband died, I still occasionally feel as if I was powerless and less than helpful, when I know that I did the best I could. The district nurses reassured me all the time, but it's hard. I think part of it is that we feel we should be able to "fix" whatever is wrong and cancer doesn't play by those rules. You need to remember that you were there for him. He felt your presence even if he was not conscious.

Like you, my husband was barely conscious in his last three days. I still remember those days, but they are beginning to fade now. When my husband took his last breath, I was there, holding his hand and telling him how much I loved him and would always love him. None of us are miracle workers or divine healers. What happened happened and there is nothing we could have done to change it.

You are still in the early days. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to grieve as you need to. It will get better. And know that your husband is still with you. Nothing can take away the love or the memories. Hold on to them and keep them close. And forgive yourself for not being something you couldn't have been anyway. You loved him, he knew that, and I have no doubt he felt you beside him as he made his final journey.

Martha

"i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) ..."
Life must end, but love is eternal.

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