Flashbacks and regrets

Dear Ktc63. My beloved husband died in February. I’m sorry you find yourself here  and your experience of the end is so very similar to ours. My beloved was non verbal at the end  and I longed to hear his voice one more time. As time has gone by I am realising that we had such a lovely life together so I hold on to the best of times and find joy in my memories. I want him back and talk to him endlessly. I do think that flashbacks and regrets are part of grieving and the counselling has certainly helped me a lot. I’m heartbroken too - we all are on here but you’ve found us now and one of us will always be around when you need to chat. We couldn’t do anymore my dear - we did our best and we loved them so be kind to yourself and keep in touch.

Im sending you some gentle hugs.

June x

Hi Ktc63

my husband died April 2020 and was at home with only me. He’d been in hospital for a week and then came home on the Friday and passed away in the early hours of Sunday morning. He came home with a DNR and I had been told on the Thursday that he had weeks left. 
I had terrible flashbacks for quite some time and it seemed that was all I could think of. I just want to reassure you that they will diminish and the good memories will come back. It just takes time. 
I still think about his death and it breaks my heart but I am grateful that I was with him and was able to care for him. 
Life will never be the same but we must carry on with them in our hearts and feel blessed that we have known such love. 
The deeper the love, the more intense grief we experience xx

I lost my wife 7 weeks tomorrow and ktc63 i feel your pain.my wife didnt eat for 2 weeks,got very confused and we had no conversation in her last 4 days.

i also question myself about her last couple of weeks and feel that i let her down.At the moment i try and block out any thoughts of her which might seem cruel but it stops me getting upset.it seems that these are all natural emotions we go through.

Somebody said to me that the pain and discomfort is inevitable and we have to try and not dwell on it too much.

They are not who you are, they are something that life added to you. If they become your entire focus, you lose sight of the person you used to be.

I hope somehow in time we will all find some comfort.

I’m so sorry for your loss and pain your feeling right now. Jerry died two years ago in a hospice it was a little quicker than we all thought. I had terrible flashbacks at the time as the night he died I stayed with him till 4am then he wanted me to go home. I had a call from the hospice at 6.30 and he died at 7:09am. I wished I’d stayed not left him alone. But now they have gone, I feel sad and I have tears as I write this but it will pas and I remember much happier times and of the fantastic care he received.  I really hope this helps you, and happier memories come Xx 

Today has not been a good day. The 19th of each month has always been hard. It’s exactly eight months since I lost my loving wonderful husband. Circumstances were different for us- Chris was admitted to hospital for tests to determine in which order the treatments for his thyroid cancer would be done. He’d had a successful thyroidectomy and although we knew the cancer had spread it was treatable. Because of b****y Covid, I couldn’t visit him. He was admitted on Friday. The following Monday I was invited to a meeting with his consultant when we were told what would happen and roughly when. This would be decided at a cross team meeting on Wednesday. I was able to spend about two hours with him. On Wednesday, I was asked to go down to the hospital again and this time the news was much less positive. Because the cancer had become aggressive, further treatment was not an option. The priority was getting Chris well enough to come home, which was what we both wanted. I spent around 5 hours with him and can’t remember what we talked about. He had a good weekend, spoke at length to both our sons and on Monday 19th plans were underway to get him home. When I spoke to him at lunchtime he was positive and keen to get home, even though we knew time was limited. When I spoke to him again later that afternoon, things had changed and his breathing was causing concern again. We spoke just briefly. I phoned the ward an hour later and was told things were under control. Just half an hour later they phoned to say I needed to get there as his condition had deteriorated. It took me about 25 minutes but it was too late. He’d gone- he’d been alone and most importantly I wasn’t with him. The person who’d been there for me since July 1974 had gone. I don’t believe he wanted to be alone- he knew I wanted to be there- we’d talked about it at the start of lockdown when this very situation was on the news, long before his diagnosis. 
I have so many regrets/ what ifs that I am still haunted by. I function reasonably well some of the time but I have moments where the pain and grief are as overwhelming as ever. Yes, they’re less frequent but they can take me complete by surprise. This journey is like the worst rollercoaster ever. 
I try to keep occupied- I’ve spent more time in the garden recently than in the rest of my years. But Chris loved his garden and I’m determined to try and keep it looking the best I can, for him. 
I apologise for this long ramble but being able to share does help, to know that you lovely thoughtful folk on here will understand where I’m coming from and get it is comforting to me.

Sending hugs to you all

Jane

I’m so sorry for your loss , I lost ian six months ago he had cancer then got Covid which took him from me even sooner , we had started going out with each other at fourteen he passed away at 53,he loved his garden so I take care of it now , I miss him so much I went out tonight with a friend for a few drinks , I have just got home and feel more lonely than ever it’s heartbreaking xx

Hello Jenq 

So sorry for your loss. That coming home to an empty house is horrid, isn’t it? It makes me wonder if it’s worth going out in the first place, but I know that I’ve got to meet the friends who’ve been such a valuable support to me. Hoping it will get easier/ more manageable in time. 
Jane

xx

I found putting a lamp and radio  on a timer helped when I knew I would be coming home to a dark empty house. It didn’t work at first but gradually I found it comforting. I have one of those weighted blankets on the bed that helps a lot except when it’s been so hot. 

I will try that the next time I go out , to be honest though this morning I feel more down than ever , suppose alcohol does not help xxxx

Hello, 19th of Feb this year I lost my lovely Julia and then two days ago 19th June it was our sons birthday, just so many triggers will continue but most of all the good memories are there. It took 2 1/2 years from first diagnosis of ovarian cancer with lots of ups and downs in between and I still can’t believe that she has gone. We were married for 59 years but it seems like only yesterday that we were at that church. I am lucky to have my daughter and my cats here which means that the house is seldom too quiet and she helps enormously, but it will never be the same again. It helps to come on this community site once in a while which makes me appreciate my luck in having so many happy years with the ‘lovely Julia’ TAKKR CARE EVERYONE…..