On Wednesday I lost my wife. She was 44 and we had been together for 23 years and she leaves me and our two primary age children.
She was only diagnosed 10 weeks ago, it's all happened so quickly I feel like I'm in a fog - it was just too far gone before we knew that it was there.
The last month was horrendous for her, with tumours causing her abdomen and legs to swell so badly that she couldn't walk, she fell down the stairs, her beautiful legs blistered and she was in so much pain.
She left home 3 weeks earlier and started to deteriorate and become so much weaker but we hoped that it may be due to the chemo, but it became clear that it was the disease progressing so fast. I was able to spend some final quality time with her, before she moved to the hospice - we thought she had weeks, but as has happened all along, things just progressed so quickly. My last words to her were "I love you" and her final words were "I love you", we kissed and I expected to see her the next day at the hospice.
When she arrived at the hospice the next day she had deteriorated so far that she just slept, i then had to do the thing that I had been dreading most, I had to break my kids heart. She only came around once, but she saw me and the kids and other family members and said "Hi" and that was it, she died a few hours later.
I am bereft, I am broken beyond repair and I don't know how the sun will rise. I am so lucky to be surrounded by so many caring family and friends, but as I make the arrangements for the celebration of her life (we're not calling it a funeral) it just feels like I'm looking at someone in a film and it's not me,
It's going to be a long path.
