How long does it go on ..

Hello Bensondog,

And with what right are those people telling you that it was time you moved on?

I am writing this question in this somewhat provocative way because it really makes me angry to hear that people do have the nerve to tell others that they should move on or should have moved on by now when probably they themselves have never had to go through anything similar - but, even if they have, they should understand that everybody is different and everybody does grieving in their own way.

40 years together is a very long time. You must have been so used to each other and your life together. Of course it is very difficult, if not impossible, to wake up or go to sleep without thinking of Mary.

Personally, I think I have come to a stage where I don't always think of Paul when I am going to bed or when I am getting up. Like he wouldn't always be on my mind first thing but I would think of him some time later in the day.

I personally like the term "moving forward" because this is indeed something we have to do sooner or later and in the way that is right for us. Moving forward means that, yes, there is a life after loss, even though it is very different from the life you envisoned for both of you, and you can live this life even with the pain and sadness in your heart. But "moving on" is a horrible term because at least to me it implies that we are leaving our loved one behind and venture into a new life.

I hope this forum is helpful for you and that you find comfort in the fact that all of us on here are going through a similar situation to your own.

Love

Mel

Hi Bensondog 

I agree with Mel. Nobody should ever tell you to move on! There is NO moving on only forward. 
You talk to Mary Beth as much as you want. It’s all part of your process of grieving. There is no right or wrong. 
I have counselling via a cancer charity I was put in touch with through MacMillan’s and I do feel it helps. 
You’re not alone in this, all of us on here are so sad and aching for those we’ve lost. No time limit on that but it’s good to reach out and get help. 
xx

Hi Mel, Thank you for your understanding and it is really helpful to hear how others are dealing with their grief. I don't spend all day, every day thinking about Mary but she is always there, in everything I see or touch - as you say, after 40 years, there's not much that we didn't do together. 

Steve

Thanks, My Pineapple! It is annoying to hear the same few telling me to move on and get on with life. I just ignore them but it still hurts. I have just said to Mel that it's really helpful to have your support and to hear how others are dealing with the loss we have all experienced. Xx

Hello Bensondog

Mel is right, no one should be telling you to move on. The only person who knows what is right for you is you. Forty years is a long time- Chris and I had been together since 1974 and I lost him in October last year. I still talk to him every day and can’t imagine a time when I won’t. I appreciate that I might change over time but for now it’s what I need to do as part of my grieving process. We’ll all handle it differently but that’s okay. 
One thing I will say, as others have already said, is how valuable this site is. People here just get it and are so very kind and supportive. No one ever judges you and you certainly realise that you’re not alone.

Take care, be kind to yourself

Jane

x

What’s wrong with saying good night or good morning,  we were married 33 years, together 35, I still talk to Jerry when I’m in the car like I used to tell him I was on my way home etc. Now I tell him about my day or my plans. I need to do this for me at some point I might stop when it’s right for me.  Don’t mention it to your friends even if they have experienced grief what’s right for them might not be right for you. I’ve done loads and accomplished things without Jerry, I’m just taking my own path. 

Thank you Jane! This last week is the hard one for me. Mary passed on the 20th and her birthday was on the 27th. I tend to do what you are all saying and just do my own thing in my own way.  X

Thank you Puddlefish! That's what I usually do but sometimes they just get too much! X

After nearly 60 weeks I talk to Colins photo every morning noon and night. I say I love you honey I miss you my gorgeous man I pip my car horn when pass the back of our house to let him know I'm nearly home and shout 'hi honey I'm home' then touch his picture and blow a kiss x There's nothing wrong with all this on my like Mel said, only people like us who have lost their lovely other half know how it truly feels. You keep talking to your Mary, it's good for you xx

Thanks BootsyD! Everyone's comments, advice and just the taking time to respond is just so helpful. X