Not ready to move house just yet!

Hello Ian

I think that sometimes when you’re undecided about what to do, being put into the position of having to make a decision, like you were when you got the offer in the house, actually helps you make the choice that is right for you at that moment in time. If moving house now was the ‘right’ thing for you, your reaction to the offer would have been different and you’d have been pleased to be moving. I’ve been a bit clumsy in how I’ve said that, but I hope you get the idea of what I’m trying to say. I guess what I mean is that you’ll know when it’s the right time to fulfill the dream you shared with your lovely wife, and you’ll find the perfect property with its south facing garden. But until then, enjoy those memories. They are so precious. 
Take care

Sending hugs

Jane

xx

Hi Ian 

I can relate to how your feeling about whether to move house or not. I’m further down the line than you (almost 3 years) but sometimes I feel I’m living in limbo by staying in the house without my husband. it’s just not the same. 
I’ve got 3 kids still at home with me & When their dad died at home , I felt very early on if it had upset them by staying in this house I would’ve moved (although at the time I really didn’t want to) but actually as you say, as time goes on you can start to feel differently. As well as dying here, he did a lot of living. The teenagers do not want to move, so we will stay, no question.

I have mixed feelings... I don’t think I would really be up to moving but I day dream about it a little, I think it’s because it forces me to imagine some kind of future for myself, alone..I struggle with making changes to the furniture or decor as we always did these things together but a water leak has made me have to & actually it has been ok. 
My husband was very practical, he would’ve had to do it & make changes too  & I remind myself of that, even if  our efforts aren’t up to his standards (he was a builder).

Im glad you’ve put the brakes on your plans for now. It sounds like you know you’ve made the right decision, lots of people seem to regret moving too soon. You can always revisit the idea in another year or so. 

I hope you find some peace in your memories of happy times with your wife at home. Wherever you live, you will have them to treasure. 

Big hugs (they’re allowed today!) 

Sarah xx

Thanks Jane,

I totally get what you’re saying and I agree with you wholeheartedly.

Thanks for your kind words, and I do hope you’re in good spirits today after yesterday and the great news about the new arrival.

Your emotions must be all over the place and thats totally understandable as mine would be if I was in the same position.

Best wishes Ian x

Hi Sarah, 

Thanks for your kind words. I really do “take my hat off to you” having to deal with the passing of your husband with three young children at home. My kids are 26 and 24 respectively and I thought they were young to lose their mother but your children losing their dad at such a young age must’ve been so difficult and still must be at times, as you have to become mother and father to them and that isn’t easy for any of us to deal with no matter what age they are.

I know I will return to this issue at some point in the future but for now “I’ve put the brakes on” and I’ll release the brakes again when I feel ready to do so and I’ve enjoyed the memories of my beloved wife.

Big hugs back to you and all who are reading this post on this momentous day for those of us that need as many hugs (virtual or real life) as we can possibly get.

Best wishes Ian x

Dear Jonta, I read somewhere, ages ago, that for the first year after someone you are close to passes, do not make any big decisions.

It has helped me. I am one year on. I have no wish or desire to move, as our home is full of my beloved husband ,and thousands of happy memories. Stay where you are. You will know, at some future time, if you want to move. My dear Father lived on without my dear Mother for 37 years, and he never moved, he never wanted to, he wanted to be with my Mother there.With the memories and her presence.       We are all different....This is just to support you here and now....Happy5

I agree my husband passed December 2020 , I thought about moving but then I couldn’t imagine anyone else living here , we have lived here 28 years and to think that someone else lived here broke my heart my husband loved this house so I am glad i made no rash decisions xxx

Hi Happy5, and Jenq 

Thanks for your words of support.

I never moved house, I wasn’t ready for the move although I thought I was, so for now I’m staying put.

As I said previously; when my wife passed away on Valentines day I really struggled living in the house without her and at first I experienced some difficult times as every time I turned a corner in the house I could just see her beautiful face everywhere and I found it difficult to cope with these memories but after 4.5 months since my wife’s passing, I need these memories more than ever and I’m so pleased I didn’t move.

So my original post to help others in the same situation as myself in those very early days is still valid, which is anyone who is thinking about moving house soon after they lose their loved ones, to just take your time in making this decision as the memories will hopefully change in a relatively short period of time.

Kind regards Ian and I do hope we all find peace one day x

Hi all,

It's over 2 and half years for me. I made a decision very early on that I am staying in my, what was our home. 

I had very mixed feelings and was conscious of not making any big changes in the early days. I also felt that I have lost my husband and that leaving my home would feel like another loss. Loss of memories and support network that I have around here. This was my home for 16 years plus when Richard died in 2018.

A lot of what has been said before resonates with me. In particular finding it hard to make changes as mentioned by Sarah2nd. 

I thought I felt ready during the first lockdown but kept getting injured or suffered ill health when trying to clear my home.

The only thing I did manage to do was to get rid of that empty "armchair".

With the help of my family I have recently managed to have a proper clearout and am in talks with an architect (making my garage into a home office/gym) and builder/decorator to now make this home work for me. 

It is something I feel I need to do for myself. I wish I had the energy to do some of the decorating myself (my husband was very practical and I like to think I was a good assistant lol) but with a full time job (and also doing my husband job to the best of my ability) it is just too much for me.

So my advice, with what I now know is - baby steps, don't be afraid to ask for help and be kind to yourself. I feel that I am finally getting there but, in the past, was trying rush some of the grieving process which you can't do! It takes time....I still think of my husband often and miss him. 

With lots of love,

Dutsie Xx

Hello Dutsie, like you I can’t imagine leaving this house. It’s been our home for 37 years and Chris’ touch is in every inch of it, inside and out. He  decorated it, even doing the hall and stairs after his diagnosis. He recently refitted the kitchen. Every room has his touch and love. I’m dreading having to redecorate as it will feel like covering his work, but I know it will have to be done at some point in the future. My idea of helping was to provide coffee and cake at regular intervals and to choose the colour schemes! 
Baby steps are definitely the way forward, although sometimes I feel like the steps are backwards not forwards! 
Take care, sending hugs

Jane

x

Hi,

I can comment from the other side of the decision re moving.  My husband passed away after a traumatic few months September 2020 age 54. I had no family nearby so I made the decision to put house on market and move south to be with my daughter and grandson.

This meant I was forced to get rid of my husband's possessions until I was left with just his pot of ashes, a briefcase of memories a couple of small bits and a computer full of photos. 

It's been hard living in a strange town where just a couple of people knew my husband. Buying a house with my daughter, getting used to not being fully in control and most of all missing my dearest husband. But not having physical memories of him in this location.  It's been 4 month since I moved, 9 month since I lost my love and I'm struggling to get to grips with it all.

Memories are in my heart and my mind but I miss him and I miss the familiarity so much, I keep telling myself the move was for the best.... I think??