Death of my husband

Oh dear Zabel I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself here but truly the people on this site will help you cope. My husband died eleven weeks ago three years after diagnosis. I nursed him at home right to the end which is what we both wanted. We had been married for 34 years and spent all our time together. My mum is also 91 years  old and cries as yours does for the seeming unfairness of the situation. I will be 68in June and my beloved would be 78 in two weeks. 
I am so lost but my best piece of advice is to be kind to yourself. The situation becomes a little more tolerable as the weeks go by but it’s very early days yet so just be kind to yourself.

People   are alway around on here so ask us anything and if you just need a shoulder here’s my virtual shoulder and a big hug. 
June xx

Hi - I’m so sorry to hear of your loss and I feel your pain. I lost my husband Gary in December so I’m almost 5 months down the road now. My situation is similar to yours in that I’m the same age as you and care for my elderly mum (who’s 83) who can’t make sense of what’s happened. Gary’s parents are both fit and healthy and in their late 70s so it’s hit us all hard. Gary’s cancer was oesophageal. 

It does get easier but it’s something that’s with me every day. I kept myself busy in the early days - there was so much to see to and I was glad of it. My GP called me in immediately after we lost Gary and prescribed me sleeping tablets. I’d never taken them before but was glad of them at the time because if I’d slept I was better able to deal with everything.   

I had taken early retirement to look after Gary but my previous employer asked me to come back to work and I have done so - part-time (3 days a week) and that has been a lifesaver for me because it gives me another focus and stops me thinking too much. 

If I can give you any advice it would be to take care of yourself first and foremost. You will have been neglecting yourself so eat properly, sleep as much as you need to, exercise (I do a min of 10k steps a day since January) and keep busy. That’s the advice my GP gave me and it’s been good advice. And come on to this site and chat to the lovely people on here who “get it”. I don’t come on here very often these days but I found it a godsend in the early days and still check in every few days or so. 

Take care and I’m sending you a big virtual hug, 

Peigi xx 

Thank you, a virtual hug to you to. I keep doing things and thinking right I will be fine and get on with things like my husband told me to, but then break down again. My husband died in hospital about 30 mins away from us and the doctor won't be signing anything until tomorrow, I don't know if my own doctor will call me, but I will contact the macmillan nurse to let her know what has happened. I find messaging people like this helps. My eldest step son has been a godsend he has done so much for me already, I don't know where I would be without him and his wife. I know the pain will get easier as time goes by but it doesn't feel so at the moment. As you say it will be quite busy for a few days and then I will have to find things to occupy my time. Karen xx

Hello Zabel,

I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your lovely husband.

Yesterday it was three years since I lost my beloved Paul to advanced prostate cancer. For those past three years, this forum has been, and still is, so important; a wonderful group of loving, kind and compassionate people who are willing to listen and willing to share and who are able to understand because they too are going through this heart-break. So in that sense I am glad you have found us here; you are in the right place.

It wasn't long from diagnosis to your husband's death. I am sure this makes the shock even worse.

All you can do right now I think is to look after yourself as much as you can - eat (at least a little as grieving takes a lot of energy), sleep (or at least rest as much as you can, talk to family and friends, and cry as much as you want and need to.

I understand the situation with your mum must be so difficult for you. Does she need a lot of help from you? Do you think you can talk about how you are feeling to her and maybe even tell her that you are upset when you cry in front of her? Maybe it would help if you can be in this together?

Lots of love, keep posting,

Mel.

Thanks its nice to contact people who have been through all this. I don't do a lot for my mum just her shopping and cleaning she does everything else her self. She has never been an affectionate mum, very loving but she hates hugs, cuddles, etc always had done so I find it a bit hard to talk to her. My eldest step son has been great and will do anything for me I have a lot of friends (one of which lost her husband to cancer) all saying they will be there for me, but I just find it hard to speak to others face to face, perhaps in the future but at the moment messaging is the best for me. My friends and relatives say how strong I am but I don't feel this, as it is still quite soon it doesn't feel real and I expect him to suddenly turn up. Thanks for your support and kind words Karen

Hi Karen,

It's okay to find messaging people easier than talking to them right now. It's still very early days for you. Your whole system is still in shock. I feel it's also very normal that you feel that your husband will walk through the door because you can't believe still that he is really and truly no longer here. It will all take time.

I am so glad you find yourself supported by the people around you and that they are there for you whenever you need them. I think that's very nice. And never feel guilty when asking for help or even a shoulder to cry on.

Lots of love

Mel

So sorry for your loss Zabel.

my wife died 2 weeks ago and will be cremated  tomorrow morning at 8.30am.

its the toughest time of our lives.How we get through this i dont know.

I was with my wife for 31 years.

We have to try and get through this.It wont be easy but we can all chat on here and hopefully over the days,weeks,months hopefully we will all feel better x

Hello Steve, I lost my lovely Julia 12weeks ago tomorrow, so perhaps I know something of your grief and the pressure of the cremation. But you will get through it and remember all of the good times, just try and keep busy and look after yourself, that’s what everyone tells me and I think it is true. I still can’t believe it has happened ….. today I went and looked at the sea and the wind! We sailed and skiid right up to our early 70’s so we were lucky, but it is still very hard. Take care and best wishes for tomorrow and after…Colin

Thanks Colin.

I cant even recollect the last few weeks.it was a whirlwind that just took over.one minute we are fighting this dreadful disease the next minute my wife has gone.because we were so positive we never spoke about the end.

Hi

we never spoke about the end either. The day Pete died I told him that he couldn’t have any more treatment and he said I’m not giving up. The doctor had told me 2 days before that he had weeks left, I didn’t tell Pete that. 
He was always convinced that he could keep going and I tried to believe it too. 
Its 1 year, 1 month tomorrow since he passed away, it’s still surreal xx