I’m still grieving

Hi puddle fish,

I am approaching 2 years and 5 months, so only a few months ahead of you. 

I think there will always be moments when you are still grieving. Recently, my sister asked me to send some photos of a family members. Well I ended up looking through all.my photos and videos - coming across many memories with my husband. A simple request had me in floods of tears!

Saying that I am doing okay now, both at home and  work. My husband I used to work together so working without him was a challenge in itself. A call from a business acquaintances a couple of weeks ago asking for my husband also threw me. I was very matter of fact when telling this guy about my husband's diagnosis and death; even had a chuckle about a memory I shared with him. Had a little cry afterwards though.

It's a strange time with covid. My husband and I used to love working in our garden, DIY projects, going out to eat/drink as well as holidays abroad and playing backgammon. All which restrictions have stopped me doing except the gardening!

I still have many of my husband's stuff at home and feel ready to have a clearout. Lockdown probably was the ideal time but did not feel ready until now. 

All in all, I am okay and looking forwards to having more of a social life and taking up my yoga classes again soon. I will probably arrange to play backgammon with a friend of both my husband and I. We usually have meaningful conversations at the same time.

Holidays are going to be strange. Whilst I had my first holiday without my husband in 2019 it made me realise that I need to find myself and work out what I want to do for myself. 

I understand what you are saying and have mentioned more than hobbies. For me the gardening and DIY projects we undertook together are on the back-burner. At some point I will get the garden done as I do enjoy doing this . Obviously it is not the same anymore..

I feel that it is really about embracing the changes and moments. I sometimes don't look forwards to some things but when I do make myself do them - I usually  find that I make the most of it and end up enjoying myself.

Take care of yourself.

With lots of love,

Dutsie Xx

I lost Chris 2 years and 8 months ago. To say I'm still grieving would be an understatement. I just can't find joy in anything - at least not a joy that lasts for more than a few minutes. Before Chris died, I was a goldsmith/designer. Haven't made or designed a piece since. In fact, I sold up all my tools, bullion, stones, etc. Just no interest in it. Chris was always the first to see what I had made and was my biggest cheerleader. I can't do it without him. I'm try to find things to do that are creative, but lose interest before I finish.

I am quite sure I will never be the same again. I was always a glass half full kind of person, now the glass is half empty if not entirely empty. And while I would never ever consider ending my life, I wouldn't mind if it ended. There's nothing to enjoy anymore. My own health issues are making that impossible. And I miss Chris so much it hurts...

I knew grief wouldn't be easy. I had no idea it would be this hard.

I know how you feel, this is horrific  Wishing you all strength and love x

You, too. Sending gentles hugs and love.

Hello Puddle Fish,

Ah there you are! I had wondered where you had gone!

Paul and I didn't have any hobbies apart from going for long walks on beautiful days and listening to podcasts together - I haven't listened with a sense of inner peace and calm to a podcast in a long time and walking I go with my friends but it's not the same of course.

I am hoping for you and everyone else on here that the days when we can enjoy our hobbies again - or maybe find new hobbies - will come.

It will be three years for me on next week and I am still grieving for Paul and everything we've lost, although I do feel that I have moved forward in my own life too.

Love Mel

Thank you all for the replies, it’s beneficial to know it’s not Just me  but also heart breaking to know others feel the same. Perhaps once meeting up with friends becomes more relaxed it will become easier. X 

The forum is not as user friendly as i5 was 

Hi Puddle Fish, it’s 15 months down the line, yes still very much grieving.  Lynn and I loved Dubai, we didn’t do much when there, same daily routine like at home just much hotter weather.   In bed by 9.30pm.  Cups of tea by the pool.  I really miss Lynn every minute of the day, nothing fills the void.  Feeling sad tonight, evenings are the worst.

Hello Jebel

Couldn't agree more about the evenings. I hate/ dread them in equal amounts. And Monday evenings are the worst, I’m sure I don5 need to say why. I miss Chris every day and still have days when I think he’ll come into the room soon and it will all be a shocking nightmare. It happens less often  but that makes me so very sad. 
Sending hugs

Jane

x

Thanks Kenickiesmum, hugs to you too.

Peter x