Well it’s exactly six months since I lost my lovely and loving Chris- 182 days of being without the one person who’s been by my side since 1974, when I was just 19. I’d like to say the pain has got less but it hasn’t- it never goes away but I think I’m starting to cope with it- I cry less during the day, most days but the night times are still horrendous, there’s no other word for it. I know that outwardly I’m functioning - I get up, showered and dressed, I eat regular meals and do the things I need to do to get by. Do I get any pleasure out of things? Hell no! I have friends who are beyond kind and thoughtful- they admit that they have no idea what I’m going through but they are there for me. My stepmum, two sons and my daughter in law are all there too. My step mum was a similar age to me when my dad died, so she can remember what it was like. My boys are grieving for their dad too but still supporting me as best they can- and they’re doing pretty well. Other family members- my brother and Chris’ siblings are to be honest a waste of space- that did hurt but now just annoys me. Chris was the eldest of five and at some point every one of his four siblings needed rescuing by him and he did it without complaining. But obviously they feel that now he’s gone they don’t need to keep in touch with me and the boys.
How has today been? Well I’ve had a team of gardeners tackling a job in the garden that we’d talked about having done before Chris had his diagnosis. So I’ve put a brave face on, managed to talk to them and not had a meltdown until after they’d gone. But how do I feel- numb, sad, lost, heartbroken, lonely.....the list goes on.
Coming out of lockdown still fills me with a mixture of dread and that overwhelming sadness again. I’m going to have to get used to doing things without him by my side. It’s not that we went everywhere together but since retiring we used to pop out most days somewhere, even if it was to the local garden centre for a quick coffee.
Chris would be quite exasperated that I still shed tears but I don’t think he realised just what a huge gap he was going to leave in my life, how much I needed him to be there just to make things feel right.
I’m sorry for rambling here, but there’s nowhere else where I know people will understand what I’m going through. I know we all grieve in different ways and have different ways of coping with this, but we get it.
Sending you all virtual hugs and strength
Jane
xx
