Hi Lovely people
Just needing to share my morning with you.
After several phone calls to my bank today and trying various things online I was finally told it has to be done 'in branch' and before 3.30pm today!
I did not want to go out.
I don't like going out just now. I walk every day for fresh air and I pop to my local mini Sainsbury's for food but that's it. Going anywhere else just makes me anxious and sad being out and about without my David. It's just how it is for me right now.
However I had to go today or I'd incur daily charges so I decided if I had to go out then I'd also go to the jewellery shop to have my engagement ring and David's mum's ring that he gave me after she died, to get cleaned. I've been wanting to since things re-opened but like I said, I don't like to go out.
When I got to the bank I realised I had left my reading glass at home. Or at least they must be as when I went to get them from the top of my head (where they usually live) they were not there!! This was going to make things harder still.
Then of course communicating through a face mask, through a plastic screen and through the servers face mask is never easy. It became apparent very quickly this was not going to be a simple nor quick transaction and after all the messing on the phone earlier as well, even the simple act of me forgetting my glasses, I was starting to get upset.
I tell the lady my situation and I have to say she was very lovely with me but then proceeds to tell me about how she nearly died once on the operating table!! I'm very glad she didn't but I really didn't need to hear that I just wanted her to get on with what I needed her to do so I could get out of there. Especially now the tears were flowing down my face!
As she's tapping away on her computer I look down and notice that my bracelet that I've not taken off since Valentines Day just passed has GONE!!
David bought me that bracelet FROM HOSPITAL. It was while he was in there for eleven days with possibly covid but all the while the cancer aggressively killing him. As Valentines Day happened while he was in there he still managed to send me flowers and the beautiful Tiffany bracelet with a heart! That was my David!!!
Now the bracelet itself is very thin and I have since often looked at it thinking how sad I would be to lose it if it ever fell off. I have a lot of lovely jewellery bought for me by David over the years but this was the last thing he ever bought me and FROM HIS HOSPITAL BED. I had thought about seeing if it was possible to put a safety chain on it but as David died 14 days after Valentines day its not something I've gotten round to yet!!
Even though I said I was off to the jewellery store after the bank today I had only planned to get my rings cleaned having forgot about a potential safety chain for my bracelet. This was like a reminder to me I was going to do that! Talk about sods law!!!
I am now stood, already crying anyway, in the bank waiting for this very slow transaction to get sorted and now seeing that I've lost my bracelet. I don't know how I didn't lose it.
Something came over me. I glanced at my phone and saw it was exactly 11.11am!
Now for some strange strange reason David often noticed the time exactly when it was 11.11am! He used to tell me repeatedly and it even freaked him out a bit. Why did that keep happening? I even thought of this when David died but he didn't die at that time, the date doesn't work either so I've no idea. However me noticing the time at exactly 11.11am right then when I was about to freak out just made me think that it was OK, I'd find my bracelet!!
When the bank transaction was finally (thank goodness for that) done I retraced my steps back to the car all the while looking for my bracelet. Nothing. I went straight home and it wasn't in the living room where I had quickly changed from a t-shirt into a jumper and had since on the drive home thought maybe then it had fallen off... no. I went upstairs and there is was lying on the floor of our bedroom.
Now to me I really think David made me look at the time right at that moment so I wouldn't lose it. I was already crying for goodness sake, seeing my bracelet that means so much to me gone I think I just might have gone crazy but he knew I'd know he was telling me something because it was 11.11am!!! Then when I found the bracelet it wasn't even broken so I've no idea how it got off my wrist in the first place so I think again I had to lose it like that today to remind me to get a safety chain on it later when I'm in the jewellers!!!
The final 'sign' was that although it's only a small village where I live there are several jewellers and I didn't know which one would be best. As I rounded the corner to one I knew was around that bend I had no idea of the name of the jeweller, it was Paul David!! If having David's name in big letters wasn't enough Paul is the name of our lovely Mel's husband! So it was definitely the right jewellers!!
I know if I said all this to some friends and family they'd probably nod and say "ah right, yes I see' but wouldn't get it like I know you guys will.
What a morning that was.
xx
Good morning Ian
I’ve just pulled up at the vaccine place again, take two!! I’m a little early (as per usual) so jotting a message to you before I go and see if this time they will stick me with the needle!
For you and I Ian it’s early days yet but I think we seem similar in that we are trying to get over the worst of all this in the hope we can live again ‘with our grief’. We are under no illusions that we’ll ever stop feeling the loss and missing our wonderful soulmates but we find this utter pain constantly so hard we wonder how we can live a life like this! In the depths of this much sorrow!!
I know we probably dislike hearing it, but time is the only thing I’m sure. If we are open, along the way to the tiny moments of ‘living on’ then surely we must eventually get stronger. I mean as you say, we have to believe that or... what!?
Im glad you are looking to get some counselling, do let me know how that goes for you.
Ok, vaccine time now! 
Finding peace to live on with our loved ones firmly in our hearts helping us along!
xx
Hi MyPineapple,
I’m so pleased you got your bereavement counselling session, I do hope that it helps you and for me too when mine starts.
I’m also pleased you received your vaccine (finally) and with a bit of luck just like me the only side effects you’ll get is a really tender arm for a few days (fingers crossed 
).
Today is a little better than yesterday thank you and your analogy with the good and bad days we have at the moment is spot on. (Mind you I should never have watched ‘Castaway’ with Tom Hanks, when I was doing my Ironing today, especially the bit when he returns home and meets his beloved who’d remarried but still loved him, I was off again like a blubbering wreck, mind you it doesn’t take much these days anyways)
And I also agree with you that although we try our best to keep as busy as possible, the loneliness and emptiness in our hearts since our loved ones have left us, is unbearable. And so we strive to keep going and then we have an ‘improved mood day’ then we realise they’re no longer part of our lives any more and then our mood swing just jumps up at us and bites us (metaphorically speaking) and then we’re back to the start again, its like a game of Monopoly and picking up the Community Chest card that tells us to go back to ‘Old Kent Road’.....thats how I feel my life is like at the moment.
But as I’ve said before; we have to keep the faith and keep on striving through these ‘Troughs’ (as I haven’t experienced many Peaks of late 
) and I will keep on going two steps forward and three steps back then hopefully we’ll all experience more good days than bad days, and we need to keep on doing this for the love and respect that we have for our soulmates and that is my belief and dream for each and everyone of us on this forum, that one day we’ll have more good days again than bad days.
I do hope we find peace one day, Ian xx
