Hi Lovely people
Just needing to share my morning with you.
After several phone calls to my bank today and trying various things online I was finally told it has to be done 'in branch' and before 3.30pm today!
I did not want to go out.
I don't like going out just now. I walk every day for fresh air and I pop to my local mini Sainsbury's for food but that's it. Going anywhere else just makes me anxious and sad being out and about without my David. It's just how it is for me right now.
However I had to go today or I'd incur daily charges so I decided if I had to go out then I'd also go to the jewellery shop to have my engagement ring and David's mum's ring that he gave me after she died, to get cleaned. I've been wanting to since things re-opened but like I said, I don't like to go out.
When I got to the bank I realised I had left my reading glass at home. Or at least they must be as when I went to get them from the top of my head (where they usually live) they were not there!! This was going to make things harder still.
Then of course communicating through a face mask, through a plastic screen and through the servers face mask is never easy. It became apparent very quickly this was not going to be a simple nor quick transaction and after all the messing on the phone earlier as well, even the simple act of me forgetting my glasses, I was starting to get upset.
I tell the lady my situation and I have to say she was very lovely with me but then proceeds to tell me about how she nearly died once on the operating table!! I'm very glad she didn't but I really didn't need to hear that I just wanted her to get on with what I needed her to do so I could get out of there. Especially now the tears were flowing down my face!
As she's tapping away on her computer I look down and notice that my bracelet that I've not taken off since Valentines Day just passed has GONE!!
David bought me that bracelet FROM HOSPITAL. It was while he was in there for eleven days with possibly covid but all the while the cancer aggressively killing him. As Valentines Day happened while he was in there he still managed to send me flowers and the beautiful Tiffany bracelet with a heart! That was my David!!!
Now the bracelet itself is very thin and I have since often looked at it thinking how sad I would be to lose it if it ever fell off. I have a lot of lovely jewellery bought for me by David over the years but this was the last thing he ever bought me and FROM HIS HOSPITAL BED. I had thought about seeing if it was possible to put a safety chain on it but as David died 14 days after Valentines day its not something I've gotten round to yet!!
Even though I said I was off to the jewellery store after the bank today I had only planned to get my rings cleaned having forgot about a potential safety chain for my bracelet. This was like a reminder to me I was going to do that! Talk about sods law!!!
I am now stood, already crying anyway, in the bank waiting for this very slow transaction to get sorted and now seeing that I've lost my bracelet. I don't know how I didn't lose it.
Something came over me. I glanced at my phone and saw it was exactly 11.11am!
Now for some strange strange reason David often noticed the time exactly when it was 11.11am! He used to tell me repeatedly and it even freaked him out a bit. Why did that keep happening? I even thought of this when David died but he didn't die at that time, the date doesn't work either so I've no idea. However me noticing the time at exactly 11.11am right then when I was about to freak out just made me think that it was OK, I'd find my bracelet!!
When the bank transaction was finally (thank goodness for that) done I retraced my steps back to the car all the while looking for my bracelet. Nothing. I went straight home and it wasn't in the living room where I had quickly changed from a t-shirt into a jumper and had since on the drive home thought maybe then it had fallen off... no. I went upstairs and there is was lying on the floor of our bedroom.
Now to me I really think David made me look at the time right at that moment so I wouldn't lose it. I was already crying for goodness sake, seeing my bracelet that means so much to me gone I think I just might have gone crazy but he knew I'd know he was telling me something because it was 11.11am!!! Then when I found the bracelet it wasn't even broken so I've no idea how it got off my wrist in the first place so I think again I had to lose it like that today to remind me to get a safety chain on it later when I'm in the jewellers!!!
The final 'sign' was that although it's only a small village where I live there are several jewellers and I didn't know which one would be best. As I rounded the corner to one I knew was around that bend I had no idea of the name of the jeweller, it was Paul David!! If having David's name in big letters wasn't enough Paul is the name of our lovely Mel's husband! So it was definitely the right jewellers!!
I know if I said all this to some friends and family they'd probably nod and say "ah right, yes I see' but wouldn't get it like I know you guys will.
What a morning that was.
xx
Hi MyPineapple,
Your day started off so sad and at one point when I was reading your ‘day written down in words’ I was starting to feel a little anxious for you too, but at the end I was smiling for you as David was definitely helping you through it, I truly believe that.
I also feel it’s easier for us to stop in the house at the moment and just get on with things in our own way and to grieve for our loved ones just the way we want to and without any interruptions from anyone, but of course I think we both know thats wrong as we all need help from others, whether its our relatives, friends, neighbours or whom ever you can talk to and they will listen and at least try and understand what we’re going through. BUT no one ever can fully understand what we feel unless they’ve experienced for themselves what we’re going through and thats why we keep coming back to one another on this forum for support because we just get “your day written down in words” and all the trials and tribulations that you have experienced today and we can all empathise with how you feel.
I have a sad sixth sense for knowing on every Sunday when the time is approaching 12:10 which was the day/time when Marie passed, so I’ve stopped looking at my watch on Sundays, or at least try to anyways.
As I was reading “your day written down in words”, I was thinking this lady has a talent for writing as you kept me glued to your every word, So if you do decide to change your profession please do consider writing 
I do hope we all find peace one day, Ian xx
Hi Ian
Thank you for your reply to my ‘quite the day’ 
Despite me not liking to go out I do let family & friends visit and I go to them. I talk to a couple of good friends via voice memos when I walk. I also listen to podcasts on grief and I’ve started opening back to mindful practices so I am letting people in.
It’s just being out in the shops that gets me. Too much of a reminder of me & David and although I have that constantly at home it’s easier at home to cope than when surrounded by strangers in the stores.
And you’re right, we head back here to where we know we’ll be understood.
Thank you for the writing ️ compliment.
Peace & strength to all xx
Hi MyPineapple,
It’s good that we do integrate with people, but just like you I find it difficult a lot of the time and find comfort with being in my own surroundings.
I actually went shopping at Marks and Spencer’s today and minding the shops shut at 4pm, I went in the store at 3.55pm as was walking out at 4.04pm and I’d bought a pair of slippers as my old ones had part of my foot popping out of the side of them. I also bought three polo shirts 
and three tee shirts 
And then left rapidly with no one else in the shop but a few stragglers. This for me was a record and my wife would have been proud of me, as she always said I dawdled and would take ages to pick anything.
I think thats a sign of the times now, I don’t enjoy the experience of shopping as I used to with my wife and I think we can all relate to this.
Take care Ian x
Hi Ian
Turns out me & 499 others who booked our vaccinations online the same day last week all didn’t get complete ‘bookings’ because the system went down and therefore I had to rebook!! I try again tomorrow... 
I have just pulled up outside the centre where I go for my bereavement counselling (only had one session so far, next one Thursday) but today I’m here for a Mindfulness course they offer. I’m early as usual) so thought I’d reply to your message.
Your description of our stomachs as a tumble dryer and then referred pain right to our hearts is a very good one indeed. That constant awful feeling in the tummy! I know I’m trying to run before I can walk in my grief but it’s only because it hurts so much.
The nice weather of late, the more people around now lockdown has eased it’s harder still. I mean I’m glad of the good weather but nothing makes this pain go away for more than a second or two.
I know we all repeat ourselves on here but it’s all we can do when we feel so low and need to express it. I know David lives on in my heart, I know (because I’m told) that at some point it won’t hurt this bad and I’ll be able to smile again, really and truly and although missing him till the day I die being able to ‘live on’ BUT that’s not yet and this wading through the very depth of our grief is exhausting.
I will always be in hope of that peace for us all Ian xx
