Angry

Hi all 

sending big virtual hug and love to all those that need it 

anyone else very angry I am angry with the world angry with Keith angry with just about everything 

So I am in my previous  life not my one as a widow I am a calm person the one that could say it will be ok it’s only a water leak had a few of them this week you lost it don’t worry it’s here somewhere oh now finding out something can just never be found again and I never seemed to trip over well know I trip misjudge how far away the table is drop coffee lose my bank card normally at the front of queues 

no motivation well I try but why when you get no enjoyment from what you are doing so going through the motions it’s exhausting so all so you with me I am giving myself a break just if I get up,get dressed it’s ok working up to put washing on the line can say I have been out xx 

learning to put yourself first hard one if you haven’t even done that x go with your emotions tough if you’ve always been the strong ones 

so this week I went to church to light a candle not religious but just needed a calm place  and had an appointment both time was asked if Keith died of covid so in my angry state I firmly clench my lips and polite said no and I am not taking anyone’s grief I am coming to terms with the fact my husband died why ask what of does that make it more or less of a death rant over 

so I am finding comments hard so this week I lost Keith nope he died 

I am lucky we knew he was going to die well maybe not lucky he was in pain for 18 months treatment etc 

how many stages of grief oh gosh 

I did a lot with Keith I am beginning to believe there are a lot of people who don’t like there over half I quiet liked mine enjoyed doing things with him 

and comparing with other losses or cancer I am like then reaching the zone out phase please just see me now I am just in pain don’t need your story’s not the right time 

I suppose I am writing this for all those spouses if you are like me think I am losing the plot not normal so now with all the tears I have added anger well the only thing that’s helped with me with is them annoying phone calls I use my not so funny humour 

Learning there’s no one way just my way x