Another day...

Oh MyPineapple, your post has brought tears to my eyes. I have nothing to say that will make the pain go away.
Twenty weeks on I still feel some of those things that you’re feeling. I talk to Chris all the time but then get upset because he isn’t here to reply. Silly things cause tears- he loved watching the birds in the garden, and now spring is on its way there are loads of different ones visiting- and he’s not here to see them. It’s so hard. 

I got through planning the funeral by thinking of it as one last thing that I could do for him to publicly (as much as is possible now) celebrating the life of the person I love and have loved since I was 19. 

Pace yourself with the official stuff, it’s unbearably hard going over the same information again and again. 
take care, look after yourself

Hugs

xx

Thank you Kenickiesmum you are so kind. You always reply and not just to me I’ve been checking out older posts. 
I just know from your thoughtful words that Clive was a really wonderful man. Xxx 

Hello there,

I’m reading your story and it’s a mirror of mine. It’s such early days for you and although it’s hard making the calls to the bank, pension company, etc I found it helped give me something to do and a perverse sense of achievement when I could stroke something off as “done”. 

I didn’t make a start on those calls til after Gary’s funeral. I devoted all my energies into arranging the funeral and organising a crowdfunder in Gary’s name when he died because so many people were asking if there was to be a collection (we raised over £4K in a very short time and the cash was split between the local palliative care team and our local GP practice). 

Like you Gary and I got married just before he died. We had been together for 16 years (got together later in life too after we both came out of bad relationships) and only had 8 days of married life. We should have been married in a big ceremony later on this month but had to bring it forward. That’s going to be a hard day for me when it comes. Neither of us had been married before either and it’s strange looking at my shiny wedding rings and trying to reconcile that with the fact that he’s not here. Unlike you I took Gary’s name because I wanted to have that with me for the rest of my life. I’m getting quite used to it now after 3 months. But I had the added hassle of changing my name with all the agencies I deal with and that took time. Again, I was glad of the distraction and after a while I wasn’t sobbing down the phone during every call and knew that I was getting stronger.

It’s a totally surreal situation we find ourselves in and it’s a rollercoaster. Some days are ok and then you hit a wall. I’ve been without my Gary for 10 weeks now but I speak to him all the time and have his ashes at home with me where I can keep him safe. I’ve been going through a bad period since Friday and the slightest thing will set me off but it is still very early days I guess. 

It’s a bitter sweet feeling being part of the married couple you always wanted to be and knew you would be one day but on the other hand you’re alone. It’s shit infact. I hope you have a good relationship with your in-laws and husband’s family. Mine have helped me considerably and we’re pulling each other through this. We’ve “bubbled up” and see each other every day. 

Life is cruel but you’ll get through this, we all will. Just take it one step at a time and do things in small batches. Get through the funeral first. 

I’m thinking of you and sending you strength and positive vibes and a great big virtual hug. 

Peigi xx 

Oh your post has brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for the loss of your Dave. I lost my Paul in May of 2018 and I honestly thought I couldn't go on. If I hadn't had this site, I don't know what I would have done. We had only had 9 years when the cancer took him from me. Please be gentle with yourself and post here whenever it feels right for you. Love, Mel

Thank you again Peigi 

We all suffer so much. 
I will be taking Dave’s name along with my own as a double barrel I couldn’t not I want him part of me that way. My first job after the funeral. 

It was all so quick! I think that’s what I can’t wrap my head around!!!

I keep wanting to go back and hold the time when he was diagnosed but at that point firstly ill with covid. He was able to communicate then (although sleeping plenty too) but once he was taken into hospital as he got worse with covid and presumably the cancer on 9th Feb it got harder and harder to understand him. Partly due to lack of sleep, being so drugged up and more than likely the cancer at that stage too even though they were paying more attention at the time to covid!! 

When finally home he was in and out of real consciousness and in those odd precious moments I had to ask him to sign things (his Will, work financial papers, ask if he wanted to be cremated or buried ...get married!!!) then he’d slip away again until finally after getting married he really never came back to full consciousness! 
I feel so cheated like we all do! 
I so so desperately just want to talk to him normally to say how we both feel at what is happening even though that would be so hard too it just feels like ...it’s not finished!! 

My in-laws as they are now are a small group and very nice but since being with Dave I’ve only spent a handful of time with them. Dave and I were more ‘just us’ so incredibly happy with each other. I really don’t know how close we’ll stay that’s for life to unfold and me to see how that goes. I can’t find comfort, not yet anyway in seeing them, it seems to hurt more. 

Nobody, not even his son whom he was very close with really knows just what Dave and I had! It was a special club of two and now it’s just me.

Is it right that so far each passing day my grief gets worse not better!? 

Thank you Melanie. 
Our time together was 7 years but 7 intense close years like I’ve never had with anyone before! xx

So sorry, no words can make it better.

I;m 11 weeks on and some days I seem to cope ok, but others, like today the slightest thing sets me off crying.  It is the most intense pain and sadness that nobody can imagine unless you've been through it. I only had 2 weeks from his diagnosis until he died. Sometimes I still can't believe I'm never going to see him again, after almost 30 years together.

People tell me I'm doing well...I have started volunteering and have got a job to start after Easter. But they only see me when I have a smile on my face, not when Im on my own sat with John's ashes talking to him and then crying some more because he doesn't answer.

My plan was to scatter his ashes, but I don't know if I will ever be able to do that.

But as everybody else has said, take one day at a time, it's the only way to get through this.  get through the funeral first and deal with the paperwork a little at a time.

There was a time when I thought my grief was getting worse but I now realise that it is and will be for an awful long time constant ups and downs.

Keep posting on here, we are all here to help eachother  xx

Thank you Sarah.

The fact you’re volunteering and have work lined up is a good thing. 

Just before Dave was diagnosed the first time I’d taken voluntary redundancies from my job of 20 years. I started working for myself and was doing ok on a part time basis. I was only able to do that as Dave worked full time.

My clients have been wonderful and tell me they still want my services whenever I’m ready but I just don’t know when that will be.

I have thought about volunteering too, I think I just feel the need to help.
Before this happened to us I was always the kind of person who wants to help but the reason I didn’t was... self preservation!! So selfish!

You see Dave would call me ‘a sweet soul’ and I guess because I’m easily upset by things. For instance I couldn’t watch a show about animals being abused! Even if the story had a happy ending I couldn’t  stomach to watch! Pathetic really!

I’m also a good listener and been told I’d make a very good counsellor BUT I would fear I’d ...take it all home with me, be unable to switch off! 
Now I’m wondering if maybe I could do something like that. This pain I feel now, which at this stage I don’t feel will ever leave me then surely if I can live with that I can survive dealing with other peoples pain if it means I’m somehow helping them cope!?!

I really don’t know. I’m two full days away from the funeral. I’m dreading it. I know it’s a celebration of his life but I’m not ready to celebrate his life and move on!!!! I just want him here. I know the funeral will be a more final farewell and I’m not ready. I’ll never be ready. 

I eat but I feel sick after anything I have. I’m not eating much, living on microwave meals each night but I feel sick after I eat. 
I’m also consuming half a bottle of Prosecco every night too. Can’t be good for me but helps knock me out. 

Sorry Sarah this isn’t all aimed at you, I’m just talking. 

Thank you for listening. 
xx 

Oh My Pineapple, you’ve just made me laugh there. Why would you leave half a bottle of Prosecco, doesn’t it go flat... I’d just arse the whole bottle. When Gary died I was knocking back huge gins every night (to knock myself out) and not eating very much at all. Then my GP called me in and suggested sleeping tablets which I took for 2 weeks. They were lifesavers because I was sleeping properly and able to face the world the next day, especially around the time of the funeral. I limit my bevvying to weekends only now but my wine and big gins really helped me at the time so whatever works for you, go for it. 

As Sarah has just said, there are no words and if I’ve learned anything about this whole grief malarkey, it’s that it’s not linear. I had more good days than bad in the early stages and thought I was doing alright but the past 4 or 5 days have been rubbish.

I’ve thought about volunteering too (gave up my job at the end of last year after barely being there for the past 15 months - I had a very sympathetic employer) but everyone I speak to tells me it’s too soon and for me that’s probably right. I will do something when the time is right though, I’m a people person and need to be around others. I’d be careful what I did though because I’ve been in situations in the past where I did end up getting too involved and  was bringing my work home with me. Don’t think I could handle that now. 

For now we must all just keep on keeping on and do whatever feels right. There’s no textbook for dealing with this wretched situation but I know we’ll all get there. It’s tough.

Peigi xx 

That’s made me smile about the Prosecco. Thank you, any smile, no matter how fleeting is good!! Xxx