I’m still figuring the site out but thought I’d start a new thread if easier..
It was a week yesterday I lost my husband David. It still feels very odd calling him that seeing as we were married three days total before I became a widow.
My sparkling wedding band I’d always wanted to have and wondered how I’d feel sits twinkling away on my finger. Dave knew how much I love jewellery and how excited I’d be to have this and I always wanted to see Dave with a wedding band! My Dave!
I should be writing thank you notes to people after a wedding and enjoying changing my name etc, instead I’m calling the bank, car solution plans, pension services etc explaining he’s died and crying down the phone each time. I’m not sure my heart can take this.
Despite doing all that, continuing plans for his funeral on Friday I still deep down don’t believe it! He simply can’t be dead!!
There is so much pain on this site, as many say, a club none of us ever wanted to be a part of but we know this is the only place to really feel understood.
I’m literally just off the phone with my mum who isn’t too well herself after suffering vascular dementia. She called to ask how I am. I’m unbelievably sad that’s it. I thank her and all my family & friends I know they desperately want to help me. They simply can’t.
I know I’m asking too much to think the pain may ease when I’m only one week in and the funeral still to have but I honestly don’t know how I’ll continue after the funeral when I’ve less to do. I will still have paperwork to sort and I intend to change my name to a double barrel. I’d feel too odd, given the circumstances and my age to literally take only Dave’s surname so doing a double barrel with mine at the end seems right to me. Yet it will be painful doing all that too but I definitely want his name as well! Although I’m 49 and had relationships in the past I’ve never been married till now and don’t intend on ever marrying again. I need his name in there!
I just need to write something even though it’s all been said before.
I’m struggling. I didn’t know it was possible to feel this much pain & sadness.
I also struggle with how to think of him. Meaning if I sit and talk to him like he can hear me that hurts because I feel he’s somewhere listening, desperately wanting to be here with me too and can’t and I don’t want to think of him sad when I can’t be with him but then what’s the alternative? He’s just gone that’s it!?
It’s all too much.
Ewen
Thank you for that, for sharing. The people on here amaze me.
Im realising with each passing day (and it’s very early days for me yet) but I know I’ll never be the same again. I don’t necessarily mean that in a bad way, it’s just the reality.
Things like this change you. I changed after my sister went through losing her husband 17 years ago and I feel myself changing again since David took his last breath.
I’ve always been a caring person, big heart on my sleeve. Not blowing my own trumpet just being honest. These are words others used for me, I’d refer to myself as a wimp! My darling David always said I’m a sweet soul.
For some reason after we lost my brother in law and all the pain that caused I could only describe how I felt by saying that a layer of me was taken away and I become more vulnerable somehow. Yet the feelings of change I have now is the opposite like a suit of armour is starting to grow around me. Like I won’t get up set at the smallest of things anymore...
This too shall pass I’ve often said and I know it to be true, just in this case it’s not going to pass for a long time.
During the start of covid first lockdown I put up pegs on the fridge that had days of the week on them, and left small squares of paper and pen close by and made myself, Dave and his son James (who came to live with us last June after finishing Uni) write something we were grateful for every day! At Christmas Dave and I read over them and laughed at how many times I’d put...”David!” ...there were a few with my name too but not as many... he swore blind there were more and I’d just lost them! 
Thank you for sharing Ewen and I hope I find peace one day too.
xx
