The hardest ‘first’

Hi all it's 19 months since my wife passed the pain is incredibly hard but as time goes by you can tell when most breakdowns are about to happen and can avoid some it still hurts but you learn to live with it  alongside you I still have bad days and I'm sure later on you will all have them to but keep going and take it slowly hope you all get through OK 

Dear My Pineapple, it's nearly a year now since my Andy died. I felt I could not bear to go on without him, but knew I would. I sometimes have a whole hour now, when I have not thought about him. Still, that's an hour more than at first. I don't want to NOT think about him, anyway. Get stuck into sorting things out - you can do it, and it's something connected to him. 

Sometimes 11 months seems like 5 minutes, and sometimes 20 years. But that was how time was for us, anyway - I always felt like we were only just starting and there was so much we still had to discover, but before I knew it 22 years had passed.

When he died, there were no indoor services, only 10 people at the graveside allowed, or 8 for a cremation. I was planning on a memorial service 12 months on, but this is going to be impossible. 

I am expecting to grieve around 2025, maybe.

I am still the same, I still love my children, my family, his family, friends. I can still laugh. But I will never have that mad, mad joy again. We were nuts.

In the meantime I have developed a rather dark sense of humour.

Plod on, dearest xx

Is there room in Oz for me? Love your message xx

There is room in Oz for everyone, it is a state of mind. You are welcome any time, though I feel obliged to warn you that you do need to be slightly mad to get over the threshold.

You are probably going through hell in a state of semi-numbness at the moment, but don't worry whatsoever about what you should be doing, you can only do what you can do. That's a fact. And please believe me, whatever you do is enough, and it is wonderful, because you are doing it. 

And if you don't do anything - well that's alright, too. xx

Hello MyPineapple 

Somehow I’ve got through almost 21 weeks without Chris by my side. I don’t know how I’ve got here, the pain is at times is still unbearable. In those first few days I tried to tackle everything- I thought it was what I should do. But I had a complete and utter meltdown after repeating the same grim information for what seemed like the 100th time, knowing I’d still got a list that seemed endless. So I decided to prioritise and only do one or maybe two things each day. Yes, it meant it took longer to get through things but at least I had a form of sanity. I kept a notebook of who I’d spoken to- always had a tendency to write lists- but it helped me keep track of who’d said what. 
So be kind to yourself, tackle things slowly if it helps. 
Sending virtual hugs

x

Yes those early weeks are a blur of activity and organisation. I’m 13 weeks in now and just starting to slow down. Back at work and finally realised that I can’t just keep going so have us actively slow myself down. Now when I have bad days I allow myself that time to wallow in the sofa, just as long as it doesn’t drag on for several days.

Some days are just about manageable and others (like today for me) you simply cannot see a way to continue without them. I’m 47 and the thought of so many years ahead without my love and best friend can be almost unbearable. But carry on we must. We need to carry on living for them. They have lost that chance so we need to do it for the both of us xx

Oh I’m slightly mad alright. I’d be accepted I’ve no doubt... get me a copy of that map!! Xxx

Thank you Jane! 
If there’s one thing I’m good at...it’s lists. I’m so organised it’s scary. I’m glad in a strange way I do have things to do, even if they break my heart. It’s when those run out that I fear...

I hear you I do and I’m so glad you’re there, as I am with all on here. I’m 49 and so I feel those many lonely years ahead too. Where do you live? Are you allowed to say that? Someone did say they’ve made friends on here and WhatsApp but I don’t see how that’s possible as we’re bound by security on this site aren’t we? 
Still at least we do have this platform to reach out. Xx

Hi Pineapple,

I live in Kent. Yes I said about making friends on Whatsapp. You can add people as friends and then message privately between the two of you. I’ve done that with some people and then we’ve exchanged numbers. 
Also I may have mentioned before but for anyone under 51 who has lost their partner you can join WAY (widowed and Young) which is a very active charitable support group. They arrange physical meet ups when restrictions allow.

Julie x