166 Days...

My sincere condolences to you.  Cherish the good memories of the past.  I know it is hard to experience the great loss of your Husband.  He would want you to continue on and add to your good memories.  Do everything to better your health and regain strength.  Share your feelings with others...some may offer help in coping and regaining your strength.

Oh Pooka, so sorry for your loss. It is 130 days since I lost my husband of over 44 years, we’d been together for 46 years. Like you, I miss the hugs, smiles and kisses. The time since his diagnosis was such a roller coaster and now I just feel constantly sad for what we missed out on because of Covid, everything from holidays we had to cancel, days out we didn’t have to the fact that in his last 10 days in hospital I wasn’t able to visit and spend precious time with him. And most distressingly, I wasn’t with him at the end. 
I know he would want me to go on, to remember the happy times but I don’t think he understood just how hard that would be. 
I really shouldn’t have watched Kate Humble’s Coastal Walks just now. I’ve sobbed as she reached Scarborough- it was a favourite day out for us and one of the last places he said he wanted to visit. 
Life can be so very cruel, can’t it?
Take care, I hope that you manage to settle in your new home.

xx

Thank you Kenickiesmum 

I can totally understand the heartache that accompanies your grief and the affects of Covid in the final weeks and days of your husband's life.

Initially my husband's treatment was cancelled due to the pandemic...

And I will forever carry the guilt of not being with my husband at the end. Even though I know it wasnt my choice but Covid rules!

Loss of a loved one is tragic but Covid has unfairly added to our grief. 

Sending virtual hugs x

Hi Pukka,

so much has happened in those 166 days. To me your post sounds like you are catching up with yourself now; like your system is only now beginning to realise how much has happened and how much has changed. Try to sit with the feelings that arise now, with the thoughts, with the knowledge that so much has changed and will never be the same again. I think it is so important that we take time and do this because the feelings want to be felt, the pain needs to come out... You have gone through a lot in a very short space of time. 

Lots of love

Mel.

Thank you Mel x

Hi all,

It is 12 weeks for me since I lost my husband. I also wasn’t with him when he died, typical he had one overnight stay for a small procedure and died the following morning. But for me, knowing my hubby, I feel that’s how he would have wanted it. He told me he loved me the night before when I was with him and I’m sure just went without fuss. But I just so wish I could have been him through all of his trestment instead of waiting in the car outside. Still, what’s done is done.

In some ways I already feel like my life with my husband was some kind of fantasy, not real, it seems like a lifetime ago already. I think being back at work every day from this week is forcing me to face my new reality more and feel his absence much more. Until now I’ve just done other things to keep busy and try not to live in the real world, now I have no choice.

Right now I feel like I can never be happy in life again, but I am hopeful in time that I can learn to move forward with my grief and find a way to live a content (perhaps not deliriously happy) life alongside my grief. My husband never talked about dying, he just focused on his treatment and getting better, even though I knew that wasn’t going to happen. He so wanted to live longer than his 52 years and if he could talk to me he’d probably tell me how pissed off he is that he doesn’t get to enjoy our wonderfully simple life anymore. So I owe it to him to try and enjoy it for both of us. Easier said than done but that will have to be my new focus xxx

Loved reading your post this morning,

I am returning to work this morning, although it online and only half a day I feel it will take me away from just finding things to keep me busy.

I am now 6 weeks and 3 days on since Rob died and like you say life will never be the same. He was 54 years old and enjoyed a simple life.

Some days I wish he was here and even I ok with him being unwell, we muddled through together, but truly he wouldn't have liked deteriatiing, he was fully with it until the end.

I saw a Robin in the garden yesterday, for first time since he died, anybody believe in these signs, or am I just been hopeful he telling me I doing ok ?

Hope today is one of the better days

love D x

Hello ChilliChilli

I hope your return to work provides some comfort, if that’s the right word.

It’s slightly longer for me since I lost Chris last October. Oh how I wish I could turn the clock back and do 2020 all over again- but with a different outcome, of course. 
I had to respond about the robin. Not only do I find comfort in seeing robins but I know that Chris believed in them too. Just after we lost his mum, a robin followed us round one of her favourite places. And I know how thrilled he was when the robin joined him in the garden. There have been a few times since losing him, where I’ve been struggling and a robin has appeared. The latest was yesterday, our eldest sons 40th. We’d gone for a walk somewhere we’d not been for a long while- and sure enough a robin appeared as we went through the woods. I get a lot of comfort from believing that he’s there telling me I’m doing okay and if the test of the world thinks I’m mad, to be honest- I don’t care. And at Christmas, there was a very strong robin theme in gifts given and received. 
I’m really hoping that the robin is around tomorrow- it is Chris’ birthday. Enough said.

Sending virtual hugs

J xx

ChilliChiili, I  really hope you have a positive day.. little steps towards carving out a new path.

My husband was also in his early 50's and should have had many years ahead of him...

When we were facing the reality of his death I told him if there is anything on the 'other side' he should try to let me know..

Maybe it's my imagination but I  find comfort in the little signs. This week was the 1st of a new month, a day that We as a couple had our own ongoing private joke. So, I took comfort from the pristine white feather I found lying on top of my dressing gown that morning. I don't have a bird, or any feather pillows, duvet, pets or children who could have nestled it so neatly for me to find.   So, I say welcome the little signs regardless of their origin and give a little smile as you pause to remember your husband and send him a kiss  x