It’s the little things....

Thank you xxx

Hello Bramblejoo and MyPineapple

We never had those last conversations either- that was because Chris spent the last ten days in hospital and because of the Covid restrictions normal visiting wasn’t happening. I did visit him twice- once to see the consultant and discuss what treatment he was going to have, because at that point, a week before he passed, they still were talking about successful ways forward. The second visit, just two days later was a complete turning point when we were told that there was nothing to be done except get him fit enough to come home. I was allowed to stay for longer but still and always will regret that I left when I did. If I’d known that was the last time  we’d have together, I’d have stayed all night long. But what did we talk about- I really can’t remember other than talking about him getting well enough to be home. We did speak on the phone, several times each day but he had lost his voice and struggled to talk for long. The last thing he said, on the phone, was that he loved me. He passed less than two hours later, alone. And that is where my heart is shattered. It’s going to take me a long time to deal with that, but I’m trying to remember the 46 years of happy memories and some days I feel I’m doing quite well. But others- well you all know what those moments are like. 
i know I’ve been lucky to be loved and cared for by an amazing man, who always put me first. And for that I must learn;to be grateful- but as I’ve said before, I so wanted more time together.

Virtual hugs to all of you. Your support is invaluable 

xx

Oh Kenickiesmum 

I really wish I could reach inside this community and hug you right now! 
I totally hear and feel for you because our stories are all different but ultimately the same! 
I totally agree that the support I’ve had on here already is invaluable! We are all strangers to each other and probably a lot of us so very different from one another too but all that fades away on a group like this, it’s a bond we wish we didn’t have but because we have to have it’s a total blessing that it’s there! 

Ive had another full day of funeral prep and paperwork but it’s felt like a productive day too. Our builder (for the half finished porch we’ve got) came by to do a bit more today and first time he’s seen me since it all happened. He really didn’t know what to say/how to be, I felt for him!

The main thing I will miss about David (other than his total love for me) is the humour! I need humour. I like to laugh but I do have a dark side and Dave brought me out of that. He couldn’t ‘change me’ that’s all down to me but HE HELPED! He was always cracking jokes and even when I didn’t want to laugh I couldn’t help it. He was amazing on that score and it’s what EVERYONE is telling me now and I know I should be uplifted by it, all the tall tales (and boy there are many) but just now it hurts to hear them because it emphasises more and more the laughter that has now gone from my life!! I used to think I’d be ok in this world because I had Dave and he could make me laugh!! 

Thank you again (and all of you) for being here.

xx

Oh  MyPineapple, Your message struck a cord, Nick would make me laugh, and also would laugh at me and always helped me when I was getting close to being too self pitying, or self indulgent. All my marvellous friends are being really supportive, however I do sometimes think i need someone to laugh at me and ridicule me for feeling sorry for myself. I'm even feeling grateful to the cat when it scratches me because it isn't taking me too seriously. I think that one of the things I fear the most is taking myself too seriously. I also used to feel we would be OK as we had each other. All the very best to everyone, and yes, it is nice to feel part of a community going through the same experiences, although I would wish that we all didn't have to. 

Love to you all

XX 

Hi My Pineapple (just love that name....)

Just catching up on threads this evening and I'm so glad your GP has been in touch. Mine did the same after we lost Gary (maybe it's routine....) and did a blood test as well as suggest I take sleeping tablets for a short while. Being a carer and living with the stress for 15 months can take its toll. I didn't see it that way at the time, I was just glad and privileged even to be in the position where I could help and support Gary as it was usually the other way around with him bailing me out of situations.

Like some of the rest of you, we never had that conversation about what happens after he's gone because Gary didn't ever want to discuss it so we just focused on the present and the treatments and the hospital admissions for pain control (and there were plenty!). We were positive throughout and I knew much more about Gary's prognosis than he did - he didn't want to know and I honestly believe that he wouldn't have lived as long as he did if he had known just how bad things were. It broke my heart to know these facts but you always think that your situation is going to be different and you're going to buck the trend and that did keep us going. Even at the end, he was only back in hospital for a short spell for pain control and he was supposed to be coming home on Xmas Eve. Fate decided otherwise however.

Unlike some of you, I was there at the end (as were his mum, dad and brother) and whilst I am eternity grateful for that and hope he knew we were there, it was harrowing and brutal and went on for far too long. During Gary's last 3 days there wasn't much communication as he just slipped in and out of consciousness so there were no conversations nor final words like you see in the movies. We'd said all we wanted to say many times before.  

I'm beginning to forget the horror of the last day and remember him now as the happy, smiling chap with the huge personality and the great big laugh that he always was.

We are all so lucky to have been loved as we have been and to have loved back in equal measure. My parents never had that relationship and I thought all marriages were like that until I met my Gary. Isn't life so bloody cruel... But we will adapt and we will prosper. We won't let cancer define us, it's done enough damage.

Peigi xx 

Sending hugs, that’s all

xx

Thanks Kenickiesmum, right back at you!!

I'm feeling sorry for myself tonight - need to snap out of it. I can just hear the big man telling me to sort myself out LOL 

xx. 

Big hugs from me too. Xx

Morning My Pineapple,

Wishing you strength today and hope the funeral goes as well as it can. Covid funerals are particularly horrible. I’ll be thinking about you. You can do this

Peigi xx