How to understand and cope with the loss of your wife

I finally collected my wife’s ashes yesterday and brought her home. I had been trying to make the telephone call to the funeral home for the last two weeks. Every evening I would tell myself that in the morning I would make that call but never did. I eventually did two days ago and was glad I did. It was really upsetting when I was handed her casket containing her ashes by the funeral director but he was really nice and kept me in the funeral home for an hour and a half chatting until I was ready to leave and take my wife home. I had prepared a place for her casket in our dining room on a sideboard. My wife had collected Diane Fossey gorilla statues which she loved and I placed her casket between two of her favourites. She will stay there until I can take her to Kent where she wants her ashes scattered at the same crematorium as her father. I now wish that I had had the courage to bring my wife home earlier as I felt guilty leaving her alone at the funeral home. I am glad that I finally have her home.

Hi Somerpool

That is another step forward, i have my hubby's ashes here and it is now 15 months for me.

I really do not know and he never said what he wanted as such, though being a HGV driver he used to say if any thing happens to me scatter me on the M25 as he spent half his life there, that is something i cannot do.

So he is home with me for the time being, and i have to say it does give me comfort and i do say morning to him and good night.

We all have to do things when we are ready one small step at a time.

Take Care Ellie xx

Hello Sumperpol 

I’ve been reading through this thread you started and the lovely responses. What an amazing group. 

Firstly I’m so glad you made it to collect your darling wife’s ashes, a huge step. 

One thing that concerns me in your posts is the use of the word guilt quite often. I think that’s totally normal in so many of our experiences going through a loved one dying in front of our eyes. There is no handbook on this, it’s thrust upon us and we get on that horrid journey. 
I only had a week caring for my David at home before he then went into the hospice and died that same day. He was deteriorating so so fast I had to get help at the end and I knew he would not want to pass away in the house. I could only stomach to do it because by then he wasn’t ‘with us’ anymore he couldn’t have really known or at least that’s what I told myself. I think him passing later that same day was the usual me and him in-sync about not wanting to take his last breath at home, not after we’d just been married right there too in our bedroom. 

You amazingly cared for your wife for six months and I’ve no idea how you and others managed that . I get angry at how quickly Dave was taken from me but I also know it’s a blessing not to have had to see him suffer like that for longer. 

I too find this site invaluable but I’m also seeking bereavement counselling and given the guilt you feel I think it might be something you should consider. 

My heart, like all those on here, goes out to you. Xx

I finally last Saturday managed to carry out my wife’s last wishes and take her ashes to Kent as she wanted. My daughter and son met me at the crematorium and they had kindly agreed to me scattering my wife’s ashes on a Saturday due to the distance my daughter and I had to travel to get there. They had identified the exact location that my wife’s fathers ashes had been scattered and that was the location she wanted her ashes to be scattered. The location is in an old area of the crematorium which has not been used for years but very beautiful with an old chestnut tree where we scattered her ashes. It was another upsetting day and another day where I felt the loss of her passing again. Following scattering her ashes I went to Suffolk for a few days this was the last holiday we had together before lockdown and her passing. It was a holiday we enjoyed and where we had decided we were going to move to, I’m not so sure on that now I did not enjoy the stay and just wanted to go home. Home feels very empty now that I have taken her to rest in Kent even though I have done what she wanted I feel like I am reliving her loss but now don’t even have her ashes in the house. I now feel as though I have returned to a life of perpetual limbo, I didn’t think I would feel this way having done the right thing and carried out my wife’s final wishes.