Self neglect

Hi Jebel,

In all honesty I don’t think there is such a thing as ‘normal’. We are all human beings and are all different. We think differently, feel differently and have our own ways of coping with problems in our lives. Some of us will probably find a way to adjust to their losses after just a few months, some after a year or two, some possibly never.

So please don’t feel bad. Lynn was the love of your life I’m sure and a year is nothing really to be expected to suddenly be okay. But if you are struggling to eat after this time would it help to speak to anyone about that? I wouldn’t expect you to have made a full recovery from your loss but I’m sure your Lynn would want you to be taking care of yourself as much as possible.

For me personally it has been just over 8 weeks since I lost my amazing hubby, my best friend and soul mate. Our life was fantastic and we enjoyed every precious moment together. He was just 52 and I feel robbed. I will never get over losing him and never ‘move on’, but I know that some time in the future I will find a way to adjust my life to carry on living with the loss. I will find a way to enjoy things in life as it is important I do this as Clive no longer gets that chance. But it’s not an easy road, right now everything I do feels pointless and I get no enjoyment from anything. But, I still do it, I eat, rest, exercise and try and make an effort to stay in touch with family. One day hopefully it will all become less of an effort and I will actually start enjoying it.

Please keep posting, I am sure you will find a way through in the end but it is still early days. I’m sure Lynn would not want you to give up so please keep going for her x

Hello Jebel, 

Im 18 months into losing my Anne. You are not alone my friend. For what its worth and similar to you  Ive hardly enjoyed a meal since she passed. I only eat because of hunger. Its a basic necessity but no longer an enjoyment.  You are quite normal mate, don't you worry about that. And again like you I self medicate. Ive cut in half my antidepressants because I chose to against my doctors  prescribed medication. In the last 3 days I've only slept one night. The rest of the time Ive been drinking myself into oblivion;  staying up all night on the Internet or watching TV. But  I hope you won't slip into my messed up thinking. So to repeat. YOU ARE NORMAL my friend. We all deal with this shitty path in the way we do. 

Stay safe Jebel. 

Hi Bramblejoo,

 I was really touched by your reply, such kind words thank you this warmed my heart.   My Lynn was also 52 the same age as your husband when she passed, 52 is really no age today.   Due to Covid my son is home from University studying virtually along with my dog both serve as protective factors keeping me going.  Perhaps over time I’ll feel a little more myself.  Take care and look after yourself xx

Thanks Geoff,  I hope life gets easier for you, but what you say does resonate with me things that we normally enjoyed no longer do.   Nice to hear from you, take care.  Peter

Hello Jebel

i can only agree with others- I don’t think that there is a normal way of going through this. It’s almost 16 weeks since I lost the love of my life and tonight the pain in my heart is as great as it’s been at the start of this awful journey. Some hours just get me like that. I’ve spent today with our elder son, who is proving to be a rock but right now, I’m struggling again. 
I can’t believe how much I hate eating alone- I do it because I know I must, and I count it as a plus, a bit like getting up, showered and dressed each morning. But my sleep patterns are dreadful most of the time. I’ve taken to cat napping during the day if I need to- the joys of retirement. But it’s not a way I wanted or expected to be spending my time. I miss him so so much. 
I too am hoping that given time, I will adjust to the situation I’m in but after 46 years of being half of a couple I’m not expecting it to be easy or soon. I know he’d be telling me to be grateful for the years we had and I am but it ended far too soon.

This forum is full of people who will listen and support you as best we can. Keep in touch and try to take care

x

Dear Kenickiesmum,

It’s good you have your eldest son supporting you at this awful time, but I know this can never compensate the huge loss being felt every day and every night.   16 weeks is still very new, even after a year I’m just getting by.  Will anything heal or lessen my overwhelming sense of grief I don’t really know only time will tell.   One blessing is this forum where I can air my true feelings and be amongst people who understand our sense of loss.  Kindest regards Peter x

Hi kenickiesmum. I am 18 months on this road. And am so sorry for your loss. We were together 44 years and still find sleeping hard to do , I am also retired and also have a nap during the day , I find the loneliness the worst part of this. And like Jebel said I don’t think anything will heal the grief 

To me every day feels like Groundhog Day I look forward to going to bed at night so I can try and get some respite from the grief. Hopefully in time we will all get some relief from this. As you said it is not the way I wanted to spend my retirement. 
take care. Mike 

Hello everyone,

My experience is similar.  It is 14 months since I lost the love of my life. Life has no purpose for me without him. I don't eat; I just refuel to keep myself going to get through each day.  I have very little appetite and food tastes bland.  Half the time I throw it away.  The things I used to enjoy don't really interest me now.  Even music sounds off.  I'm too exhausted to do much anyway; I fall asleep but I still wake up early feeling just as tired as before.  I can't concentrate and I struggle to focus on my work.  I've been diagnosed with depression as well as grief but I, too, avoid taking the medication.  I wonder why I feel that way about the medication.  Why won't I help myself?  To me it represents moving forward maybe.  My futile struggle to resist the inevitable.  I don't want to walk forward into that future without my partner.  I don't want to create a life without him, even though I know he would want me to.  He even told me so.  It feels disloyal to the one I love with all my heart.  I yearn to be with him and that's all that matters.  I'm passing the time, that is all.

Hi all,

My heart goes out to all of you on here. And I thought I'd let you know how this whole thing around self-neglect has been for me.

So in the first couple of months after my husband's death in May of 2018, I found myself neglecting myself. I couldn't eat well and skipped meals. I drank a lot, usually strong Gin and Tonics or a lot of wine, I went to bed really late and sometimes took two sleeping tablets because I wanted to avoid at all cost to wake up during the middle of the night. 

But there came a point when I realised that I couldn't do this to myself any longer. Partly this was due to the fact that I knew that my beloved Paul wouldn't have wanted for me to neglect myself, he would have wanted for me to have found a life forward. But partly it was also due to the fact that I was afraid: afraid of losing it, afraid of becoming an alcoholic, afraid of losing my health and then who would look after me?

And, even though I sometimes felt that the best thing would be to die, I didn't really feel that deep down I think because I never actually did anything in that directkon like planning how to end it all.

I went to my GP and told her about my problem with losing weight and she prescribed Fortisip drinks for me, the very same ones my husband had taken when he hadn't been able to eat anymore. And I told her about the sleeping tablet issue and she said to me I should only take one no matter what my sleep was like which I did and I soon found that I didn't need two tablets and that, if I really had to lie awake for some time during the night, it didn't break me. 

Nowadays I find looking after myself quite easy actually, even though I am still, and will always be, a person who loves looking after other people more than looking after herself.

My wish for all of you is that, with time, you will learn to look after yourselves again. Self-neglect doesn't help anybody: not you because you will only feel more and more unwell, and not your partner who, if he or she could see you, would be very sad to see you not taking care of yourselves. 

Try small steps to get there. Cook one meal a week with the radio or the TV on in the background so that you don't feel too alone wile doing it. When you wake up during the night, switch something on {podcast or YouTube video or whatever} which will help you to go back to sleep. Exercise outside even if you don't feel like it. Maybe consider taking your prescribed medication because they were prescribed to you for a good reason and, where antidepressants are concerned, they will actually help you to feel a lot better and so looking after yourself will become easier.

Lots of love, Mel.

Dear Dunlin, Your post touched my heart. The way you describe your feelings and your day resonates with me exactly. I halved my anti depressants and I dont know why. I believe you when you say ' I dont want to walk into the future without my partner '  Perhaps thats the reason? I dont want to recreate a new life without my Anne, so why take medication?  Perhaps another thing I'm feeling unconsciously is that secretly I just want it to end?  All I know is every morning when I wake up I say to myself ' So I'm still here then ! ' 

Take care. Geoff.