It’s the numbers

Hi Kenickiesmum,

We all totally understand how you feel. I don’t think any of us will ever get over our losses, in time hopefully we will just learn and way to live with the grief and loss. I am hoping that the love we have for our husbands/wives and the love they had for us is what will actually help us to carry on. True love never dies.

So as you say, be kind to yourself and do whatever you feel you need to do to get through the day. And yes I get the frosties thing, I spent some time trying to get a certain soup for my hubby and when I finally got a tin he died before he could eat it. I couldn’t look at that tin for a while and only recently ate it myself just so I didn’t have to look at it anymore. It felt like a betrayal which is ridiculous!

Big hugs ️ 

Thank you. 
️

Just saying, you aren’t going crazy, this is how it is. I liked the soup story. I do think the darkness of winter And the starkness of isolation make things harder for us. But you aren’t alone in feeling like this. I came on here today thinking to ask people, guys, on really bad days, is there anything that helps? Someone suggested writing a journal, and that is a conventionally recommended thing, but the thought makes me cringe. I tried it before to try and defuse a situation that had made me very angry, but I found writing it all down and getting the wording just right stoked my anger rather than diffusing it. But some people might like it. And another suggestion was meditation, but on a really bad day I don’t think that helps either.Certainly today it didn’t help me . I came to the conclusion that some days just are awful and there’s nothing you can do about it. But other days aren’t so bad, and that’s a blessing.So in the end, you’ve had a really rubbish day today, and you can’t stop that happening. But other days are better, especially when the Sun shines, and any good day is worth having

I had soup too and fish fingers in the freezer and tinned rice pudding- all things he fancied and I don’t! There was a tin of Spam too. 
xx

Food bank  ?? But then...spam...do you have a pet that might like it ? Do you remember Spam fritters at school dinners? 

Hello JSBach

I’m not sure I’ve got any solutions- but if you write a letter rather than a journal, might the change of focus help? It’s only a slight difference but might be easier. 
I like the idea of accepting that some days are awful and some aren’t and will really try to do that. 
Take care and thank you for your kind words 

xx

The food bank benefitted- and I’ll swear I heard him chuckle as I handed them over! 

God the food! My husband had stomach cancer so food was tricky. He’d have spells of things he fancied too and he could eat. So right now I have a shedload of toffees that will probably last the remainder of this year, more soup still to get through and I’ve been eating up all of his ice lolly’s and jellies that I had got him.

I write in a journal, I started it whilst my hubby was still alive and have kept it up. To be honest it just has stuff in there I’d post in here, things I only share with you guys as you just get it. But also my hope is that in 12/18 months I can read some of my first entries and see if I have progressed in my life and managed to adjust a little, I bloody hope so anyway...

Hi,

I too have ice lollies, soup, and many other things that my husband fancied but didn't eat for one reason or another. I was so desperate to find something he would eat in those last months when he no longer wanted to. 

I don't write things in a journal - it's never been something I've wanted to do but I can understand how it would help especially being able to look back at your journey.

I'm going back to work next week after almost a year off. It feels like a massive step but one I need to take. I keep thinking how my husband wouldn't have wanted me to be so upset but I can't help it. Maybe work will be a small distraction and get me through the days. Miss him so much it's a physical pain. Reading your posts and seeing so many similarities helps me so much. Thank you all. x

Hello Jojoe

I hope your return to work goes well for you although I sure it will be hard. The sentence you wrote that rings so true for me is that your husband wouldn't have wanted you to be so upset but you can't help it. C would be exactly the same, telling me that we'd been lucky to have 46 years together. But like you, the pain I feel is a physical hurt. It is, as you say, helpful to read that others understand that.

Take care x