Meltdown

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This morning I had a complete meltdown and feel as if I am back to square one, the day my husband died.

He was diagnosed with kidney cancer last month and died within 2 weeks, at Christmas. This was all a massive shock as he hadn't really been ill, just a bit tired.

The last few weeks have been horrendous but I thought I was doing ok,managing to function with some sort of normality. My daughter has been staying with me but she needs to go home sometime so I decided that once we got to one month after he died, that would be a good time for her to go home. She doesn't live close to me so visiting and being part of her social bubble isn't really an option.

I didn't feel too good yesterday and thought it was because she will be going home at the weekend and that was playing on my mind. I couldn't sleep last night and this morning just had a complete meltdown because, I think I am terrified of her going and I will be on my own. I am usually an independent person and myself and my hubby had our own seperate interests so I wasn't used to spending all of my time with him

So why can't I cope with the thought of being on my own? Is it normal to have a meltdown and feel as if Ive gone backwards in my grief journey?

I feel putting this extra pressure on my daughter as she is grieving too and I know she is worrying about me anyway. She did say that she would stay longer with me but I don't think that is the answer as the longer she is here the more I may come to rely on her company.

This group is one of the only things that keeps me going at this horrendous time so I would be really grateful for any advice or comments as I have never felt so lonely and empty in my life.

Thank you xx

Sunsarah over 3 years ago in reply to bramblejoo

Thinking of you hugs xx

MelanieL over 3 years ago in reply to Sarah 21

Hi Sarah21,

it is great to hear that you feel this forum has been so much help to you and I am sure it will continue to be like this for a long time. At least this was, and still is, the case for me. As for GPs and what they can do, I got 10 mg of the antidepressant Lexapro at the time and I am still on it's now almost 3 years later and I could tell you of at least 10 separate okay Asians when I knew it was helping me by taking the edge of the worst pain. And in this situation where the pain was not too bad I was then able to do musings for myself which I knew would help such as joining walking groups or meeting up with friends even though I might not have felt like it at the time. What did your GP suggest?

Best wishes Mel

I don't like the term "moving on" because it sounds to me like we are leaving our loved ones and the life we had with them behind. I like the term "moving forward" as it implies that, while life goes on, our loved ones are still with us in our hearts and minds.

Sarah 21 over 3 years ago in reply to MelanieL

I spoke to an out of hours GP who suggested a low dosage of diazepam, just in case I have another meltdown, it would calm me down. Thankfully I haven't been like that since so haven't needed any medication.

My daughter went home yesterday and I have to say it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Yes, I am now on my own but I think I actually need to be so that I can try and process everything that has happened in these last few awful weeks.

I try not to dwell on things as it is all to painful at the moment. I have had a few lows though...I was filling in a form and had to put my next of kin, I slipped over while walking my dog in the snow and there was nobody to check I was ok, like my husband would've done. It's times like these when I realise that I really am alone and he has gone.

But tomorrow's another day and I am trying to stay positive,even though it is so hard sometimes, but I know that John would want me to carry on xx

Kenickiesmum over 3 years ago in reply to Sarah 21

Sarah 21, take care of yourself. Those moments are horrid- mine have been de-icing the car- I never had to do that, C always did it for me. Also realising that the pressure in the boiler had gone right down- luckily the instructions to put that right were simple. But again, never on my to do list. Be kind to yourself and well done for getting through another day.

Sarah 21 over 3 years ago in reply to Kenickiesmum

Thankyou for your kind words. It's the little things that take me by surprise and I end up a crying mess. My door lock broke, but I managed to fix it myself, which I was pleased with myself about.

I can only do one day at a time, so getting through another day is such an achievement now. I cant remember what my life was like before...and yet this nightmare only began 7 weeks ago. Sending hugs, take care Xx

Kenickiesmum over 3 years ago in reply to Sarah 21

Sending hugs

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