Meltdown

Hi Sarah21,

I am so sorry to hear how you have been feeling and about your meltdown this morning. My heart goes out to you. 

Grief seems to be like that for most of us: we are coping okay, think that we are on a "good path" and then, out of the blue, we fall into this deep despair. This journey is not linear, grief follows its own wisdom. So I think that the fact that you felt kind of okay for a while does not mean that those very low days like today cannot come again. 

I remember myself having okay-days when I was sure that I would cope okay and get used to being without Paul and then, the next morning, I would wake up and feel so bad that I was kind of sorry I had woken up at all. 

I would imagine that the fact that your daughter was with you for the last while has really helped and I find it only too understandable that you don't like and even fear the thought of being on your own once she goes home. 

I always felt okay when I was with people and had distraction but it hit me when I was on my own. 

Even though you are independent and you and your husband weren't together all the time, you knew that he was there, you knew that he was your companion in life, and this is now gone. So I am not surprised that you feel the way you do. Living with your spouse despite having independent lives is at least being together. But now we are on our own knowing that our husbands or partners won't come back.

Sarah, I am sending you a big virtual hug and hope you'll get through the next couple of days okay. And you know that we are always here if you want to chat.

Love, Mel.

Hello Sarah, I too lost my lovely husband at Christmas and although we had 15 months together after his diagnosis, it still hurts like hell. I also gave up work/career to support him during his cancer journey and now find myself jobless and a widow. The jobless bit I don’t mind too much because I’m nowhere near ready for that but I miss having my best friend and soulmate so much. You didn’t have long to prepare for this so things will be exceptionally painful and raw right now and grief is a journey in itself. I am on my own now too (I have my mum and Gary’s parents nearby however) and some days are better than others. Keep busy - that’s my advice for getting through the day and chat to friends in the evening (online, phone, etc). 
We have no other option unfortunately but to get through this in our own way and in our own time - and get through it we will. We have to live for both of us now because that’s what your husband would have wanted I’m sure. Time will ease the pain and we will adjust to a new normal. 
I find it strangely reassuring to come on here and know I’m in the company of people who know exactly how I’m feeling and can empathise back. This is a good support group (particularly during this pandemic when getting out and about is difficult) and I’m so glad I stumbled across it one day. Take each day as it comes. We’ll get there   

Hi Sarah 

sending you hugs I feel the same so I don’t have any words except here if you need someone to talk to but trying to not be hard on myself just one day at a time and it’s ok not to be ok xxx 

Hi Sarah21,

You are not going backwards in your grief at all, I think every one of us here has had those moments of utter despair. We love our husbands/wives and always will so it’s natural to feel absolutely devastated and alone to have them here with us one day and then sudden gone the next.

I lost my husband (52) just before Christmas. We had been together 23 years and were devoted to one another. He was my soul mate and best friend and we spent every possible minute together. I just cannot get my head around the fact that I’ll never see him again, talk to him, kiss him or hold him. The pain of that realisation is almost unbearable but yet I still keep trying to tell myself how lucky I was to find that kind of love. Not everyone gets to experience that in their lives. Right now it makes the loss feel that much harder to take but I hope in time it will give comfort.

I generally have been able to function quite well on the outside. I cry every day but sometimes not for too long. But still last night I had a complete sobbing episode, where I could have punched someone if they had been in front of me I was so angry, but I don’t know who I was angry with! Just part of the process.

We will all get through it in time, this site is currently my lifeline. X

Hello Sarah21

i saw your post this morning and you have been on my mind all day. I’m fairly sure that the only advice I can offer is to take each day, or even each hour as it comes. And please don’t beat yourself up about having a meltdown. I lost my husband of 44 years over three months ago  less than three months after his diagnosis and those six months have been the most horrendous ever. I’m still having meltdowns on a regular basis, often triggered by the most surprising thing. I can honestly say that I cry every day- sometimes silent tears, sometimes heartbreaking sobs. Like you, we did lots of wonderful things together but also did things on our own. But he was always here when I came home and would ask me what I’d learnt today or what had I found to talk about for the last three hours! And that’s just one thing that makes me so sad- but then I feel I’m being selfish.

I do understand your thoughts about your daughter. My eldest son lives in the same city and has been a fantastic support to me, staying occasionally but visiting regularly. I know he worries about me, but I’m worrying about him too. As you say, our children are grieving too. He lives alone and, a bit like his dad, can find it difficult to express his feelings. But I don’t want to rely on his company. Of course it’s all made harder by the current restrictions and the fact that he can’t see the friends he normally would. I HATE being on my own and not having the usual ways of passing the days is awful.

So I’ve no advice, have just tried to reassure you, like others, that you’re not alone in feeling as if life is an emotional rollercoaster, that it’s okay to have those awful moments. As everyone else has said, this group is so valuable.

Take care, sending virtual hugs

xx

Thankyou all for your kind support.

I know it wont be easy when my daughter goes home tomorrow but I have asked a friend to come round in the evening....she is going to be my support bubble from then  so I'm hoping that will help ease me into my next new situation.

One thing I want to say is when I was having my meltdown it felt like my head would explode from the stress and anxiety and that feeling scared me! 

I know life is going to be very tough for a very long time but that awful feeling of losing my marbles really did frighten me. Hence I have a telephone appointment with my gp this morning. Not sure what they can do but I will speak to them.

I think the support I've received on this group since John died is the biggest help as no matter how I try to explain how I feel to people they will never actually know unless they've been there themselves.

Sorry for  another early morning ramble...I wake up at 4am every day xx

Hi Sarah21,

I would imagine several of us have had that ‘exploding head’ moment. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to go made with it all too. But I guess that’s the overwhelming pain of grief. 

Im glad you will have a support bubble. Please do come back on here and let us know how you’re doing once your daughter goes.

Well today is the day that we have my hubby’s ashes interred. It will be at a beautiful church on a plot where his dad’s ashes were also buried and where his great grandparents were buried. I’m not at all religious but it just felt like the right place so he doesn’t have to be alone, especially as I’m only 46 so may have a while to go before I join him!

Feel sick with anxiety but when I get those feelings I just try to acknowledge them, embrace them and tell myself that it won’t last forever and tomorrow may be a better day.

Hang in there, you’re doing great just getting through each day x

Thinking of you today, Bramblejoo and Sarah21. Sending supportive virtual hugs xx

What you are doing for your husband sounds lovely, thinking of you today x

Hello there, this feeling of going mad with it all is normal I think and isn’t helped if you aren’t sleeping properly. You’ve done the right thing arranging to speak to your GP. Mine called me in immediately after we lost Gary and told me it was time to look after me now and gave me sleeping tablets (I’d never taken any in my life before) to take for 2 weeks. I did that and sleeping through the night definitely helped. I’ve stopped taking them now but they were invaluable at the time. 
I also think having a trusted friend (in a bubble) round is a good idea. That’s what I do too and we sit and drink wine and laugh and talk and cry. It’s cathartic. 
As the others have said, you are doing really well and it’s a cliche but all we can do is take it one day at a time - and come on here to rant or sound off or just get something off our chest when we need to. You will always be supported on here and listened to by like minded souls. Take it easy and be kind to yourself xx