Lack of sleep and guilt

Hi Ian126841,

You’re not alone in feeling this way. My husband died 6 weeks ago and I constantly question if I could have done more. He had stomach cancer which caused various issues along the way, blocked tubes from his kidneys, blood clots in his lungs, bowel blockages (which is what he eventually died of). I feel like I should have noticed more.

But the thing is, we are not medical experts. This awful disease ravages the body and there is no way of really knowing exactly what it is doing to a human body as it can often be so aggressive. I think we feel the way we do as we just desperately wanted to save our loved ones, when the harsh reality is that this was not possible. Guilt is a natural emotion when grieving (so I’ve been told) and hopefully over time that will fade and we will all just realise that we did everything we could for them and simply loved them with all our hearts.

Thank you Bramblejoo, your husbands case sounds very similar to my wife, she was in hospital the week before with a blocked kidney, then blocked bladder and released with a catheter. She complained of pain in her leg (which could have been the blood clot moving). She got weaker day by day after leaving hospital. The signs were there but as you rightly say, we are not medical experts. I do hope this gets easier, but in other ways the pain is a reminder of what we have lost. She was everything I ever wanted and mote than I probably deserved, but gone too soon at 49, we had so much more planned. 

Hi Ian 

Like bramblejoo said we all carry some gilt when our loved ones pass away, after we are given the devastating news that they have cancer we know its going to happen we just don't know when or were. I think most in this group have had times that we  think if only i had done this or said that for me it was 2 days before my husband passed we had to go to hospital because one of his blood tests showed his sodium levels were low clatter bridge made out that they would just need to redo the test and give him something to get his levels back up before his treatment was going to start .while we were waiting in A&E neil said to me that he was really scared and he didn't want me to leave him with covid I was not aloud to go with him and as far as I was concerned we would be out in a few hours so told him he had nothing to worry about .By the next day when I was allowed in to the word he had took a turn for the worst and didn't know we're he was or who I was. I Finally convinced myself after lot of sleepless nights replaying that day that we can't tell the future and he knew I loved him and he isn't in any pain now 

Hi hope you can start to remember the good times more and let the bad fade into the background

Kate xx 

Hi Ian

We have all been where you are i am sorry to say, blood clots seem to be a common dominator in cancer i had  one and so did my husband, i felt guilty because i do not remember giving him a drink while he was in the Hospice that haunted me.for a while.  At the start of this horrendous journey we are looking for answers as to why things happened , we know our other  halves are very poorly, but never did i ever think he was going to die, no  one  ever said those words to us and to be truthful i never asked, guilt again/

It has been 15months now, the guilt feeling has now gone, and i know that i did do everything i possible could, there for every treatment, cared for him at home, laughed and cried at times with him, but more than anything i loved him and he me,

You will get threw this though at times you think it is not possible, with time the bad memories fade and the good memories come forward. and now i have them to keep me going.

Take Care Elliex

Thank you Kate, I know what you are saying is right, just my brain at night doubts what we believe. I have had parents and grandparents pass away but this pain is like nothing else. I think having to put widower on a car insurance quote has fired things up again, it can’t be right at 47. Thank you again though for your support. 

Thank you Ellie, yeah my sister in law has had some tests done as her mum and now sister have died due to blood clots. The consultant she saw mentioned that blood clots are common after chemo. I think you are right, we go over every detail no matter how small and question everything we have done or not done. It’s good to hear that these feelings will fade over time.

please also take care of yourself Ellie, it is the least we all deserve.

ian x

Hello Ian

i agree with what others have said- we all feel guilt for what we should/could have done. For me it’s the fact that my husband died alone in hospital 13 weeks ago tonight. COVID restrictions meant that his last ten days we spent around eight hours together. We’d been together 46 years. When I spoke to him that teatime, it was clear that he was struggling to breathe and his condition had changed from earlier that day. He told me that they were looking after him, not to worry and that he loved me. I spoke to the ward who said that his breathing was under control and that he would be having the agreed procedure in the morning, but within half an hour they phoned again to suggest that I went to the hospital. It took me twenty minutes but I was too late. He’d gone by the time I arrived. I have tortured myself about the fact that I should have gone to the hospital after I’d spoken to him. It wouldn’t have changed the outcome but I would have been with him. It was such a rapid change in his condition that even the oncologist was shocked, it wasn’t predicted to be such a sudden end. 
it still hurts so much but I know that the situation was beyond my control on several levels. This COVID has so much to answer for.

I know this is yet another of my rambling responses but the last three months have been like some sort of nightmare. I apologise but know that the support from this group is so comforting. I hope you get some comfort from the messages you get on here.

Thank you kenickiesmum, I agree COVID has an awful lot to answer for, my wife was in hospital the week before. I had to leave her in A and E and couldn’t see her on the ward. I had so many questions for the consultants but wasn’t able to go in and see them. I wonder if my wife was told something in there but couldn’t tell me, she was more than capable of trying to protect me. I just wanted to protect her. Please.don’t apologise for rambling responses, normally I don’t discuss my feelings (even with my wife sadly), but find myself opening my mouth and rambling gibberish coming out, I think only we would understand. 
take cate

Ian x

There is so much that we all feel guilty for.. I should have demanded to stay longer at visiting times in the hospice..if only I had realised how little time was left. I shouldn't have annoyed him simply by helping to move his cup! (Petty things became big to him in his last few days)

But most of all I SHOULD have been with him when he passed away.

I'm trying to focus on the things I DID do. For example, I struggled alone for weeks clearing up so much blood as he actually filled buckets with the awful stuff day and night. There was the time I literally sneaked past security via a back door in our massive hospital, and located my husband who'd been left in a side room unattended, so I refused to leave him until they had him settled in a proper ward. Also the occasion I marched out with him in a wheelchair from a hospital ward at 11pm at night which was hours after he'd been formally discharged... but the nurses had ' 'forgotten' to organise it. I forced my way onto the ward and found him sobbing in bed covered in blood upset because his personal things had been stolen and he needed/wanted to come home! 

I'm sure for all the things  we have to feel guilty about there will be many, many things that we ALL did to help our loved ones...  We were there, we fought their corner, we cared, we cleaned and cooked for them, we comforted, we loved and in turn they loved us. 

We should maybe try to focus on things we did for our loved ones rather than beat ourselves up over the things we didn't or couldn't do.

 xx

Hugs for all of you. It’s so so hard and I find myself masking my husband to come back, knowing that he never will of course. Sometimes I think that people will get sick of hearing me talk about him, people generally don’t know how to handle the bereaved. We as a society are still uncomfortable taking about death, even though it’s the one thing we know is going to happen to us all.

We will never get over or move on from our loss, but over time hopefully we will find a way to live with our loss and grief. As far as I’m concerned I will always be married, just my husband isn’t physically with me anymore. We will always love them and that love is what will keep us going x