Past events and regret.

My choices were. ..a royal navy hymn to enter and Beautiful South's One Last Love Song.

Sounds lovely x

Hope you are doing okay today. I seem to have cried less the last couple of days but just have an overwhelming sadness at the moment and feeling very demotivated. My mornings are getting lazier as I tend to just sit around doing nothing and just looking on Macmillan constantly for more chats. Missing my hubby a lot today, just want one of his cuddles or even to just be able to talk to him about nothing important. The house feels so empty and quiet.

Hi Bramblejoo

Hope you are ok..I had an awful day yesterday so I'm trying to be positive and keep busy today.  I too seem to sit around and look for chats on Macmillan from people who know how I'm feeling.

My life is so empty and there seems no purpose in anything anymore. My husband wouldn't want me to feel like that, in fact one of our last conversations was how worried he was about me and I promised him I would be ok. So I gave to carry on for him.

So I'm going for a walk in the rain now and I have eaten breakfast for the first time in 5 weeks! X

Oh dear.. I wrote out a message reply earlier about songs and have no idea what I said in it which was misconstrued??   But for some reason it wouldn't send and I got a message saying to contact someone if I was feeling desperate.  Strange .. the shortened message I later wrote posted fine.

Maybe that is why we have a friends request button so uncensored messages can be sent.. 

So I will just say if anyone on here ever wishes to 'chat' to me via private message then feel free to send friend request.

Thank you. You are so right. We all have tiffs or ups and downs. I adored Lynn with all my heart and soul and maybe i am overblowing things in my head as it so much in turmoil with grief and i am overthinking. We so loved each other. And like i said we always made up very quickly and we forgave each other. I know deep in my heart Lynn and I were so in love. She would be annoyed with me to think i am worrying about this. Telling me off in other words!  We shared so much and we laughed and cried together and i am thankful i was there to have her in my arms. My grief is complicated and i am simply at the moment wishing her back and wonder why she was taken. I look back on our many photos we took and their is always a smile in all of them from the pair of us!

Thank you. any words are a comfort. I feel just lost without Lynn today and the mind goes into overdrive. Its so hard at times. My counsellor today just keeps saying its normal to feel this and that but my pain feels so deep. Losing anyone we love is painful. I just hope my mind fades with these thoughts and the better, happier times return with fondness.  I am so sorry your loss was so difficult and the frustration of not being there was hampered. I like to think the nurses were there for your husband as they were for my Lynn. I keep asking but i get no answers back. Sad. 

I can totally get this. I am so sorry you had to go through this.   It was so frustrating due to covid and Lynn's last moments before i got there i will not know as i was never given any proper explanation and although i have asked, the question is always dodged and avoided.  I want to seek closure on that part but it will not let me.  My brain is not wired that way.  It torments me how she was before i opened that door. 

They claimed they phoned me but there was no record on my phone or missed calls. It sticks in my throat.  I know the nurses did there best to make her comfortable but sometimes i look back and see chaos and noise . Again, perhaps it is my mind playing tricks and it was not that way.

But it hangs heavy in my mind. I saw Lynn agitated( which she so feared and i did too) and though she did calm it haunts me. Maybe i will let go of those thoughts but at the moment the sadness is deep within my heart. The shock of my Soulmate and lover there is too much to bear. I am so sorry i do not mean to be on a downer. Grief is a horrid thing. I had to many saying i should be better now but i feel worse. Like you i want to believe the nurses but i do not know what to think. 

Take care and hugs

Hi GRN73,

I am so sorry for how low you have been feeling and for how much you have been beating yourself up. I think you are absolutely right in saying that no relationship is ever perfect and that there are always situations we can look back on where we hurt each other or caused each other pain by making insensitive remarks or things like that. for example, I remember how I told my husband in anger one day that I felt I had changed from his wife into his carer. there was a time when I had to think about that so much and it hurt so much that I wasn't able, would never be able, to take it back. and there were other situations like that too. It seems to me that we have to go through this phase where we remember things that we regret and wish we could have done better until, one day, we are able to forgive ourselves. Please let us know how you are getting on now.

Love

Mel

Dear GRN73,  Like your sweet lady my Anne was more attuned to life than me so in the early days, and through my immaturity,  I hurt her emotionally as well. I was the soppy romantic that needed kisses and cuddles a lot  but my Anne was different. She would give those affectionate gestures when it really mattered. It took me years to move away from self pity into seeing the light. I'll always remember my Anne saying to me after yet another apology "  Its OK to say you're sorry but you have to take responsibility for what you did. "  Try arguing with that !  But we were married 50yrs and had two lovely kids and once I'd grown up our lives were filled with a deeper  love as Im sure yours were. Mate. Guys like us beat ourselves up so easily because deep down we are caring people. And both our sweethearts knew that. I got so much affection from Anne towards the end including in writing on my last birthday card from her.  I break down even today if I dare reread it. So be kind to yourself my friend. You aren't alone. 

Geoff. 

Let it go. Or if you like the Beatles let it be. We all do it but it is the most pointless waste of time. Can’t change it can’t make it better. File it under things I wish I had done and close the drawer. Then get on with the rest of your life. Sending you lots of love and strength for the future.