Past events and regret.

Hello GRN73 So sorry for your loss.
I’m not sure I have any advice. But I do know that I’ve had regrets too since losing my husband back in October. Some are around things I didn’t tell him- yes, I know he knew I loved him more than anything, but there are things, one in particular that I really wish I’d told him. Also I regret the events of his last couple of hours. Because of COVID he was in hospital and I couldn’t visit,  so in his last ten days I spent around eight hours with him on two occasions when he had ‘big’ meetings with the oncologist. The last time we spoke, it was obvious that he was struggling again but he told me not to worry, they were looking after him and that he loved me. When I spoke to the staff an hour later, I was told he was struggling but they felt things were under control. Within half an hour they phoned to suggest I went to the ward. It took me 20 minutes but by the time I got there he’d gone, alone. I have spent hours weeping and sobbing wishing I’d gone down to the hospital as soon as I knew he was struggling and just waited in the foyer. Why didn’t I know that the end was so close? The last time I was allowed to visit, why didn’t I stay longer with him? He was worried about me driving home as it got later but why did I let him persuade me to leave? So many regrets. 
People will tell me that I’ll accept and come to terms with the events but right now I find that impossible to believe. 
So as I say, no advice but just to say that it’s such an awful thing to go through, I’m sure everyone of us on here has regrets about something we did or didn’t do. 
Take care

Yes we will all have regrets. I’m the same as you Kenickiesmum. I was with my husband the day before he died in the hospital as he had a small procedure. It went well and they moved him to a ward for an overnight stay to keep an eye on him as we all knew he was very poorly. I was allowed to stay for a while but then had to leave. He said he was glad he was there, had no pain and was comfortable. He took my hand and told me he loved me, I told him the same and kissed him and said I’d see him in the morning. I called the ward a few times to check in him (he wasn’t replying to texts) and they said he was okay although obviously poorly. They said they wound ring if he deteriorated. I called again at 6.30 the next morning and they said he had got through the night, so I called the kids to let them know and went back to sleep. I then got a call about 45 minutes later to say he had issued away suddenly and peacefully with nurses with him. The ere had been no time to call me. Part of me wonders if anyone was actually even with him in his final moments but I’ll never know. The staff are so stretched.

I feel like that will haunt me forever as I am never going to know how his final hours were, if he was scared or just never woke up from his sleep. I also wish I had been able to ask about any wishes or that  I could have promised him I’ll always be there for the kids, but we never talked about him dying so it was never a conversation we were going to have. He only ever talked about his next treatment, and so used to respect him for that. 
We will always have regrets and things we wish we had or had not said or done, but as long as you know in your heart that you loved them and they loved you then you can’t ask for any more. In time I hope that is enough to comfort us. In time we will remind ourselves of all the good times 

x

Bramblejoo, it does help to know that I’m not alone. Thank you for sharing. Take care x

GRN73 please dont be so hard on yourself... people in the most loving relationship have said or done things to their partner that they later regret. Be it a stupid text, a snappy word or a simple rolling of the eyes. I loved my husband totally but I cannot say in all honesty that there wasn't times that we annoyed each other, usually over petty things but that is part of living with each other. Children, parents, lovers they all have tiffs and say or do petty things in the heat of the moment but then kiss and make up. It's normal behaviour.

You say yourself, from the time you knew your partner was ill you stepped up and never said anything to upset her, so try to focus on the many good times you enjoyed together.  Don't let a few squabbles overshadow the happy loving memories.

Take care

Mym

Kenickiesmum 

I too regret not spending enough time with my husband during his last few days. ..

Due to Covid visiting was restricted but looking back I'm sure Mark wanted me to stay longer the last time I saw him. I said I couldn't due to the rules but how I wish I had refused to leave.

Did he know?  Did he feel I hadn't fought enough to stay? 

If I could reverse the clock wild horses wouldn't have shifted me.  Do I believe the nurse was with him when he passed away?  Nope... I think that is what they are trained to say.  I will never know for sure.

But I definitely won't forget the nurse telling me when I arrived in the early hours of morning.. "He must of been in a lot more pain than I realisd"  Wow, thanks for telling me that..  I now have a lasting memory of knowing my beloved husband was in pain but I couldn't be there due to their stupid Covid rules.

What a thoughtless thing to say to you!
Strangely I wish that they’d not been honest with me and not said he’d been on his own. When I spoke to Kathy, the angel of a Macmillan nurse, the following morning she said that he won’t have been on his own and I had to tell her that he was. She was surprised and I think a little shocked!

Yes if I’d known that my second visit was going to be the last time we spent together I’d have still been there when they brought in breakfast the following morning! 

More regrets. 

And COVID has a lot to answer for! 
Take care

Let’s just remember all the things we did to show our love for our partners for all the years before, rather than what was out of our hands in the last few hours. We knew our loved ones were poorly and were at least able to love and care for them as much has we possibly could. Some people are take from this world so suddenly and without warning and that may be far worse, who knows. X

Thank you for that Bramblejoo, I’ll  try to hang on to it. (One of the pieces of music we had at the funeral has just been on the radio, so I’m in bits yet again)  x

What song was it if you don’t mind me asking?

I had two John Denver songs and a Neil Diamond song at my hubby’s funeral so I think I’m safe, never hear those on the radio. Mind you I keep playing the cds so I’m torturing myself by choice!

Morning Bramblejoo. It was Rocking Goose. He had quite an eclectic taste in music!  
x