Everything still seems unreal, yet very real.

Oh Bluebell 53, how I understand how you are feeling. I lost my husband of 44 years almost 11 weeks ago, less than 3 months after his first diagnosis. I haven't been able to move anything either. The only thing I've moved is his coat from the rack in the hall, but it's in his wardrobe. I altered  the date on his watch this morning- that's on his bedside table! I still think I'll wake up from this nightmare even though in my logical moments i know this is ridiculous. Our two sons and our daughter in law are all being amazing and I have some wonderful supportive friends but the hole in my life is immense. We'd been together since I was 19 too. 

I find the posts on here really supportive- knowing that others are going through the same or similar at least stops me feeling that I'm losing the plot completely- and it helps me to ramble on too.

Take care x

Hi bluebell53 

it does make sense what you are saying ,with me it is a bit of both the bed room is the same as he left it with his glass of water still on his side of the bed i have changed the bedding but will not change his pillowcase, i find the only way I can sleep at night is to spray it with his aftershave and his fleece is still on the banister were he left it the day he went in to hospital  i have to kiss that and say good morning and good night each day . but I did have to make some changes down stairs otherwise I would of gone mad within the first 2 weeks I had to dismantle the bed i bought for the living room is I couldn't look at it without breaking down in tears only had it a week be for he passed  i also had to get rid of the dining table in the kitchen it might seem a bit extreme but if i sat in my spot all I would see is his empty chair and if i sat in his chair then I felt disrespectful so I got a small table for 1 person.

I think I have made my house like me in side ,to anyone that comes into the house it looks like I am copping well and getting on with my life but upstairs where no one can see things have just stood still as if he will just walk in the room and get ready for bed like nothing has changed 

Hi kenickiesmum,

 Thank you for your reply, as you say its like a living nightmare,  i just feel stuck at the moment,  lost and just going through the motions,  like you i find posting on here helps, speaking with others going through the same and similar experiences.  Take care .

Hi kate 41

I understand exactly how you feel, with me its also mainly the bedroom and bathroom that I've left exactly the same, i can't imagine a time when I'll move  any of his clothes or shaving stuff and other little things he left around, i feel he's with in some way. I miss him so much.  In to have left the same pillow slip. Thank you for understanding, take care.

Hello all

its been 8 months for me and I still haven’t sorted his clothes out, still have his slippers at the side of the bed and I still only sleep on my side. Have just watched Worlds Strongest Man final,as he would  have done. Was heart warming to find out that our daughter was watching it too  

Love to you all xx

I was reassured when my stepmum told me that she still has my late dad's dressing gown hanging up in the bedroom- he passed away in 2003. 

1. Xx

That is reassuring, thank you for that xx

It’s only been 3’weeks for me but I can’t imagine throwing out any of my hubby’s stuff. I know eventually I’ll probably have to, perhaps I’ll donate clothes to charity or something, but right now I love seeing his clothes, shoes, coats, his toiletries in the bathroom. It’s like if that stays there he hasn’t really left me. 
Keeo crying tonight, and I’ve been doing so well too. Just hits me over and over.

I wish I could go to sleep and wake up and it was all just a nightmare. Then I could cuddle up to my hubby still.  

It’s so early for you, it would be lovely to wake up. I go to bed and imagine my husband cuddled up to me. One night I actually felt him beside me, it was wonderful! I wrote about it in my notebook so that I wouldn’t forget how real it was. My dad said that it was my mind playing tricks on me but it felt real tome and gave me comfort. Perhaps I wanted it so much xx 

I’ve thought that a couple of times too! Once in bed and another time in the shower, I felt like he was there. But yes I guess it could just be wishful thinking. But whatever it is it gives me comfort. I feel like his energy is still around our home. I’m not religious or anything like that, just we’ve lived here 11 years and he put his heart and soul into this house so surely there’s got to be something of him left behind?