I lost my husband yesterday. He was just 46 and up until 8 weeks ago was feeling ok, we were hiking and doing all our normal daily life stuff. He thought he had a bit of acid reflux and bloating and was taking gaviscon and changed up his diet. Few weeks later we went to the doctor, as he really wasn't feeling great and he told her he felt a strange sensation when swallowing, like food got stuck a little. She set up an urgent endoscopy for a few days later where they found a lump in his oesophagus, took a biopsy and arranged a ct scan. 4 weeks ago today he was diagnosed with advanced oesophagus cancer which had spread throughout his abdominal cavity, too late for any treatment and that he had months to live. He wasn't bloated, it was ascites, they drained 4.5 litres the first time and 6.5 the second. 2 and a half weeks after diagnosis and we were in a hospice and now he's gone.
He's gone.
I'm not handling this very well. I can't bring myself to close my eyes. I just see his wee face at the end, the cancer just ripped through him. He was strong and healthy and in a matter of weeks was so thin, jaundiced and it's just unbearable.
I stayed in the hospice with him and never left his side. He woke on the second morning in there and looked at me smiling, asking if we'd made it through, I thought he meant the night, but he thought the doctors had fixed him and that he was better and could go home.
My beautiful man is just gone and I'm so empty.
I don't know what I'm going to do. He was my family, my love, my best friend.
I've arranged the funeral and sorted out his outfit. I'm going to go see him in the chapel of rest today. His family are religious, we weren't, but he told his mam that she could do "her thing" and I don't mind, I want everyone to be able to say goodbye in their own way.
I'm sure it might be a normal reaction, but I feel like I don't want to be here anymore. My life as I know it is over. I loved our life together, I loved everything about it. I can't see how this will ever not be horrendously painful and crushing.
Hi Bramblejoo, I was thinking of you yesterday and I hope it went as well for you as it could have done. Gary’s funeral was on the 7th (Thurs) and it went ok and I managed to hold it together somehow. The service was conducted by a friend of ours and I think we got it just right. There was a funeral cortège through our town beforehand where people could come out to pay their respects and despite the Covid restrictions, there were a lot of people lining the route.
Just felt weird afterwards because there was no funeral tea or wake or anywhere we could go together so my friend came back to the house with me and we demolished several bottles of wine.
Spent yesterday replying to texts and messages and trying to find vases for flowers. We did ask for family flowers only but people want to do something and they do look lovely.
Now the hard stuff really begins. The funeral director told me it won’t really hit for a few weeks. I just feel hollow and empty and without direction. The last 15 months were so full on and busy with chemo, hospital visits, seeing to medication, etc and now it’s just silence and a house full of cards and flowers.
I hope you’re coping ok today 
️ I’m here to chat if you wish xx
