Nine weeks and counting

  • 2 replies
  • 33 subscribers
  • 923 views

This is the first post I've made. Nine weeks ago I lost my husband of 44 years two months and twelve days to cancer. He'd been diagnosed less than three months before. To say that my life has fallen apart would be an understatement. What I am finding particularly hard is that the last ten days of his life were spent in hospital and because of the Covid situation I was unable to visit him. The only time I saw him was on two occasions when we both saw the oncologist. The first time, I was able to spend a couple of hours with him and on the second occasion, when we'd been told that the situation was terminal, I was able to spend longer with him. But eight or so hours after a lifetime together just wasn't enough. To add to this, his condition changed suddenly and I wasn't with him when he died. My mind is full of 'What ifs' and I'm finding it very hard to find answers. I know it is early days and the current situation can make some days seem very long. I am lucky to be supported by our wonderful sons and my amazing daughter in law as well as friends but none of this fills the huge gap that he has left.

This first Christmas without him is going to be so very hard. And to all of you who are in a similar situation, my heart goes out to you.

  • Hi Kenickiesmum,

    Welcome to the group none of us wanted to join and I’m so sorry for your loss. That is heartfelt and sincere as I also lost my husband to cancer just 10 days ago. He was 52 and lived life to the full. Sadly I also wasn’t able to be with him when he died. I took him to hospital the day before for a procedure and stayed with him after once he was moved to the ward for a overnight stay. Although he was due to be discharged the next day I knew how sick he had become and although the ward promised to call me if he declined unfortunately it was so sudden that they were unable to. He passed away just 30 minutes after I had checked in with the ward. Very quickly, peacefully and with the nurses by his side as he took his last breath. He was not in pain and I’m sure that was his intention to try and spare me and his lovely daughter having him pass away at home and having to endure strangers taking him away from our home.

    But there are always what ifs. I have those too and they keep me from sleep (hence my late reply). But just remember we loved our husbands with all our hearts and some things we just can’t control. They would have known how much we loved them and that we did everything we could for them for as long as we could. Hopefully in time the bad final memories will fade and we can cherish the many many happy times and carry on living life for our loved ones.

    Take care and be kind to yourself. You’re right that no one else can fill that void no matter how much they are the for us but please share your pain in here as we are all hurting x

  • I am so very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what it must have been like not to be able to spend all the time with your husband due to the current situation. And I can imagine and no it from my own experience how difficult it is not to ask these what if questions and in a way I think it is absolutely normal and maybe even necessary for us to ask these questions again and again and till our mind gives up on them. I am glad you have support from your family and also from this form. Keep posting

    lots of love,

    Mel

    I don't like the term "moving on" because it sounds to me like we are leaving our loved ones and the life we had with them behind. I like the term "moving forward" as it implies that, while life goes on, our loved ones are still with us in our hearts and minds.