The group I never wanted to join...

Aww bless you Bramblejoo sending you love and virtual hugs at this difficult time for you.  You already know you'll get support here from us bereavers who have been in your shoes and understand your emotions etc. Keep posting/reading ans taking part in discussions- we will help get yoi through xx

Thank you so much. That means a lot. I have wonderful friends and family who I know will be there for me (and two amazing stepchildren who I’ve known for 23 years and love like my own). I will be leaning on them all now but at the same time no one has lost their partner so won’t ever fully understand. You all do. 
My stepdaughter was with us most of the time helping with whatever was needed and had a close bond with her dad. She has a 6 month old baby and my heart is breaking for them too. We are clinging to each other.

I so desperately want a cuddle with my hubby but know I can’t. Just me at home now and my dog (thank goodness for her too).

x   

Hi bramblejoo.

Im so sorry for  to hear you've lost your husband,  and yes i know exactly how you feel , i lost my lovely husband of 47 years in August this year, i can honestly say its the worst pain i have ever felt, its also a physical pain as im sure you know, the emptiness and longing are awful,   i feel for you. Its a hard time . Stay in touch,  this group does help. Take care.its a long road.

So sorry Bramblejoo that the time has come for you to join this group and speak out as a member of a group that like you, none of us want to be part of. 

I can fully understand how you are feeling today as just 12 weeks  passed since I lost my husband who at 54 was a similar age to your husband.  I wish I had some advice that takes the pain away...but if there is a magical cure out there then I am yet to find it.  It truly becomes a cycle of surviving a minute, an hour, a day, a week at a time. Like you, my husband passed away not at home...it was Mark's wish to be at a hospice and boy did we have to move mountains to get him admitted. But, 10 days after we managed it he passed away and got his wish to go in a place that I could walk away from as it was his choice not to die in the home leaving me with the lasting memory of knowing 'that's the place it happened'

Initially there is the busyness of arranging a funeral, then ploughing through the paperwork of officialdom...my advice to that is to keep a notebook, make notes of whom you have spoken to and on what day and what the outcome of the telephone call or correspondence was.  It's amazing that just when you think you have sorted something...you find there's an issue that needs re-sorting.  I have still not got everything sorted 12 weeks on and having notes with dates to check back on have been an enormous help.

Take comfort from your friends and family, if you need their help make sure you ask and remember there are  no rules on how to grieve, you have to do what is right for you, remember to look after yourself if at times that means sitting on your sofa cuddling your dog and shutting out the world for half hour then do it if it gives you comfort and hopefully it will help give you the strength to get through it all.

Sending you a big {{hug}}

Mym x

Thank you so much for your kind words and your advice, I’m sure that is going to be invaluable over the coming weeks.

Today has been awful, first day where I have not seen clive and the realisation that I will never be able to see him, touch him or talk to him again is almost too much to bear. Lots of tears today. I made some of the official calls today with my stepdaughter there with me, one small blessing is that due to COVID we don’t have to register the death face to face, all done over the phone.

Funeral directors contacted and they emailed details, I can’t quite believe that I’m having to pick music, a coffin and all that stuff. It’s just awful.

Does the awful longing to have your loved one with you fade? God I hope so, I’ve got so many years to go without him.

x

Bluebell53 you are so right about the pain and longing, and Pooka thanks for the advice of a notebook. I have started making notes already and am doing all the arrangements with the help of my two stepchildren as it would have been important to Clive.

Sending hugs to you all who are in this journey xx

Bramblejoo, I so wish I could say it gets easier and maybe it will. Yet for me 12 weeks on it all feels so raw, the realisation of never seeing or touching someone again EVER.

But I,  like everyone else have coped, we've sorted funerals and ploughed our way through the red tape and we are all still here...albeit battered, hurting and emotionally bruised. 

Don't feel pressured about funeral arrangements.. just do what you are comfortable with. Remember, it's not about fancy coffins or the biggest flower display. I dreaded the funeral but I actually found on the day my determination to honour and celebrate Mark's life gave me an inner strength to get through the day. I wore his wedding ring on a chain round my neck and held it throughout the service ... I'm sure it helped me focus to get through the ordeal of the day.

Take care of yourself x

Thank you I needed to hear that. I’m dreading the funeral so hope I can just get through that in the New Year. I’ve already got his wedding ring on his chain around my neck. He wore both all the time so it feels important that I do the same now, at least for the moment. Did think one day I might have his ring made smaller so I can just wear it on my other hand, we’ll see.

Just wish I could get a good nights sleep now. Last night work up at 3 and still awake at 6.30.. X

Bramblejoo, 

Later on you may wish to have some of your husband's ashes (if he has cremation) made into a piece of jewellery. I have had a ring and a pendant which I know is only a minuscule amount of ashes but it is still part of  him that is with me always.. I get comfort from wearing them. 

I also had a glass paperweight made in case the jewellery ever got lost... I could choose colour and style. 

Something to consider...it's a personal choice.

As for sleeping... I seem to have got used to coping on 3-4 hours on a very good night. But, hopefully your sleeplessness will settle for you after the funeral.

Mym x

Yes I did see about the jewellery keepsakes but I think I’ll settle for wearing his wedding ring as that does make me feel close to him.

oh god 3-4 hours a night? I’ll be exhausted! Well I’m just off to bed now to try my third night without him so will see how it goes.

thanks so much for these messages, they truly help. It’s good to hear from others who understand and have been there x