Lonely... but don't want people around me!

ooooh Pooka - so much going on for you - and a very loaded month - lonely but not wanting anyone - as the one that you want to be there is not there - sending you warm thoughts and virtual strength to get through today and what ever helps 

Thank you NellieJ 

Morning pooka 

I think everyone in this group knows what you are going through and has felt the same way at some time or another with regards to the food i tried to make spaghetti Bolognese the other day it was a big mistake firstly it was Neil's favourite so that upset me then I automatically made it for 2 so there was way too much lets just say the dog ate well that night 

it is still early days for me less than 5 weeks I think I am functioning ok when I am out of the house i have always found it easy to put a mask on figuratively speaking so everyone that sees me thinks that I am copping well but I haven't let anyone in my house since just before neil passed away i still class it as our space i use the excuse that my 7 stone rottweiler still thinks he is a year old and will jump all over them when in reality i just need a little space to be on my own and cry if it need to 

Neil always said he was the only one that knew the real me to everyone else I was hard as he put it as I never hug anyone apart from him I can't handle people getting upset in front of me and dont let people see my emotions but I could never put an act on with him he made me laugh cry and shout .he used to say i was like an Amadillo hard on the out side soft on the in side

Sending you a virtual pat on the back as that's all I could do in person xx

Thank you Kate

I am like you in the fact that I hate other people hugging me or being 'in my space' I know I tend to come across as being harsh as I don't welcome the whole "huggy-huggy - kissy-kissy" approach.  It was different with my husband, his touch was welcome (as is my grandson and daughter). 

I know it is wrong to find positives in the whole Covid thing but since Mark passed away there is part of me that is glad I can used it as an excuse to not let people in and I have the perfect excuse to back away from any physical touch.

Hi ladies 

been nearly a year for me take a day at a time the day just go by try to stay busy if you can The loneliness is the Worst thing a lot of find on here 

but come on here and vent how you feel just let it out  going out and coming home is the worst thing a found go to work all day come home and it’s empty 

but try to sleep and eat 

take care 

Martin x

Pooka. you are not alone, i can say that as i have been there.

Slowly things do  calm down, i thought i was going mad, i stayed busy every day had to get all the jobs done, paint fence sort shed,  gardening, things i have never done before but i done them.

Tom used to say i was a hard b...h but i am not this has completely broke me in so many ways, it has been just over a year for me,

I still have bad melt down days and fill like i can not carry on, but he would want me to.

This is such a hard journey we are all on  and one we did not have experience of. Omg we are learning  how hard it is.

I to have a mask people only see what i want them to see, but on Sunday my three children during the course of the day at all different times see their mum broken and they  did not know what to do, perhaps in one way it was good for them to see and mum is human

Please use this group always some here for you.

Take Care Ellie x

Nice to know I am not the only one that is not that doesn't like everyone hugging me, as for going mad i have been doing things that people that would think is strange so idon't tell them i still have Neil's fleece that he wore every day for work over my banister i give it a quick kiss and say good morning or good night when I go up the stairs and if i get upset i will just stand there and hugg it ,i also have to spray his deodorant in the bedroom so it smells like he has just left the room . I hope i am not the only one that has started doing some strange habits 

I have got rid of all Mark's clothes but I did keep back a zip up cardigan/jacket that I wear in the house. I finally gave in and washed it tonight much to my annoyance ...

I still put my hand by his pillow every morning when I wake and say "morning" and kiss his pillow.  I get comfort from the ring and pendant made with ashes and I like to hold them whilst I think of him. I also have a small bag of his ashes that I keep in my bedside cupboard.

Yes, people probably think we're mad but I dont really care if others consider me to be a bit batty ... if it helps that is all that matters.  Grief is personal.

Thanks Ellie

Thanks for your message Martin