The Cherry Bakewells I can’t throw away

FormerMember
FormerMember
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It’s now eigght weeks since my husband died, whilst we knew he did not have long it still caught me my surprise and it still doesn’t feel real. I went back to work pretty quickly - I gave a very busy managerial role so there’s lot going on and it stops me thinking about stuff and everyone tells me how strong I am all that - only I’m not, I’m just hiding it from everyone, including  myself.

Patrick died on my birthday, we knew it would be our special day together, and we’d got permission to have a little picnic in his room at the nursing home. His appetite was really small and we were to have salmon sandwiches and then cherry bakewells, I’d been out the day before to do the shopping, was going to finish work go home make the picnic and then be with him about 5pm.

I got a call from the home at 3pm saying I should come one early but not saying the end would be soon, I got there at 3.55, kissed him, held his hand and he went. I sat with him a while and then came home, the cherry bakewells were on the side in the kitchen so I wouldn’t forget them. 

They are still there looking at me, I can’t eat them and I can’t throw them away. I don’t know what to do with them and they just sit there looking at me. I feel like I’m going mad cos I can’t deal with a box of cherry bakewells 

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    I realise my typing there is terrible, typing and tears don’t go well together

  • Oh Angjo what a crap birthday Frowning2 I  think our partners passing is such a sudden shock even when we have been told there isn't much time left it still  takes us by surprise. I feel you need to put yourself first before your job. It's okay not to be ok Angjo, you need more grieving time and although work can take your away from your grief your colleagues won't mind if you 'let it go' bottling it up at work comes out in force at home.  

    Keep reading old posts on here and add your own too. There's always someone who has felt the way you do. As for the cherry Bakewell - get them out of the box and take some rage out on them! Smash thNo mouth up, scream at them and put them out for the birds!!! After 33 weeks since I lost Colin a good scream releases some tension No mouth

    Take care xx

    Tomorrow is another day
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hello Anglo, sorry that you have joined this group, although you are very welcome.   Something you said about being caught by surprise with your husband’s passing.   My lovely wife Lynn was in and out of hospital towards the end back in February this year.   After a doctor closed the curtains around Lynn’s bed she discussed about having a ‘good death’ with her.   A good death I thought but I don’t want her to die at all.   Bloody tears again.  Doctor told me Lynn has days to live.  My brain couldn’t comprehend the words being said.   I knew she was going to die but I just wanted a little longer.

    Yes give the bakewells to the birds.

    Peter xx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to BootsyD

    Patrick loved cherry bakewells - we even had them at his funeral but you’re right I had not realised I hate them   and ever thing they remind me off

    Maybe tomorrow they will meet a sticky end at the hands of the rolling pin

  • HeartpulseHeartSparkling heart xx

    Tomorrow is another day
  • Hi there,

    Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. It's two and a half years for me.

    You are not going mad. I think most of us Have something that we can't touch for a time after our loft one it's gone, something we cannot look at or move or get rid off or what ever, and in your case it is what do you wanted to share with him on your birthday and that was made impossible by his rapid decline. If I were you, I would leave the box there and till you are ready to deal with it in the way that is right for you then.

    I am glad you have found us here and please keep posting and sharing when ever you feel like it. It really really helps.

    Best wishes Melanie

    I don't like the term "moving on" because it sounds to me like we are leaving our loved ones and the life we had with them behind. I like the term "moving forward" as it implies that, while life goes on, our loved ones are still with us in our hearts and minds. 

  • Hi Angjo

    I did the same went back to work quickly. Ric passed quicker than we thought too. 

    No cherry bakewells but he passed on 28/12 so lots of unopened Christmas goodies! I put a lot in the food bank because I didn't know what else to do. Seemed wrong eating it.

    I am moving forward but now is a hard time. Keep trying to start Christmas preps and I can't! 

    Keep smiling and crying

    Love and hugs Alison xxx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to FormerMember

    Take a photo of them - you can keep this until you either print it or chuck it - it’s amazing what weird things you can put in a photo frame and get some joy out of them - even now.

  • Freeze them, freeze the moment and hold it until.you are ready to release it...

    "Sometimes life is hideous, other times it's worse!"

  • Angjo - your post touched me. The sadness of the ending and also how thing that would be 'everyday' in normal circumstances take on extra meaning- for you the Cherry Bakewells.  I am interested in teh range of responses and my preference is to keep the meaning of the Chery Bakewells special - painful but special - I like the post about take a photo and hold onto it.  Anger and sadness taken out on the bakewells is not their fault. 

    I am guessing that there are lots of different things that become more significant because of the events around it. I love bacon  and prawns but have not been able to eat is since my partner died. He loved them and we stuffed as much down as possible.  I still have 3 kilos of panko breadcrumbs and 2 kilos of fried chicken spice to get through from him going a bit excited (high doeses of sterorids)  on on line shopping and getting 5 kilos of each. But now, each time I use a bit, I get comfort. strange but meaningful. 

    So that last meal might in the future be a comfort, although today may be painful. But either way it is meaningful.  Also I cant each cheesy wotsits without crying and I cant stand them but my partner went for them big time on steroids. 

    Next time i eat a Cherry Bakewill  i will be in mind of your ending and touching last few hours together