10 months

Hi I'm now 11 months in. Started councilling but spent whole hour crying then felt shit for 2 days more than normal.  As you are don't cry every day but feel worse when I don't as don't want to move on either.  Same as you not suicidal but do not want to be here another 30 years without my partner.  Its torture and people just don't understand. Hugs to you x

Hi. Im just 7 weeks into this awful world, still spinning, feeling lost and, well, broken.

Im 61, so I dont feel that Im old and yes, the thought that I could spend 20+ years without him fills me with dread. 

Please try not to compare yourself with others in terms of moving on. Others may be putting on a front to show they are OK, even after 7 weeks I find myself doing that. As you say, you grieve at your pace, not anyone elses, and 10 months really isnt that long. 

And it isnt rambling, sometimes getting the thoughts out can help, and you are amongst others that understand.  Keep chatting, we support each other in some small way.

Hello Ghostlove     

                                                                                                                                                                                        Sorry you're feeling as you are and you are right this is just an absolute shit experience for us all. I find myself recently thinking about Jay a lot. This year has been really hard I feel and I'm really feeling his loss this year. Tomorrow is the 1st of December and I am about to go into my 3rd Christmas without him. I think because I have had those two big life events this year my son's wedding at the start of the year and the birth of my 2nd grandchild last month it has made his loss that more prominent plus this time of the year as i've said already- sounding like a broken record- that the days feel so short and the nights so long. The first two years have been ok but for some reason not this year. As some are saying here you try to re-invent yourself but it is hard and it's right some days you become so pleased with yourself if there is something that you have actually achieved on your own but then its as though feelings of sadness just creep up on you and you realise that your other half is not here to see you achieve that. An instance was last week when my son and daughter in law took me out to dinner for my birthday. They booked a table at a restaurant Jay and I had been to several times but meant I had to drive there because their car was full with car seats and carrycots etc. I managed to drive there on my own even though it was dark (5 o'clock) but was so pleased that I managed it and just sat and wondered what he would have made of it all. He was the one who kept biting my ear at the end to get back to driving again and told me I could do it and William too (my son) so I had both of them `ganging up on me`. I am so glad that I did though and just having that extra wee bit of independence feels good and I am doing my best to look after his Hyundai car for him that was his pride and joy. The driving has just become 2nd nature to me again and the best thing about it too is the car is an automatic so more or less a breeze to drive because it does all the work for you and you're just using the two pedals and it means I am able to be here for my older sister and take her to her numerous hospital appointments. I feel now  too I am starting to `want to start doing things again` but at times the incentive is just not there and then I get angry with myself and Jay is not here to discuss what we could or should be doing and everything is all down to me now.

I get what you are saying about things being hit n miss for you. I'm not one for group activities and prefer to do things on my own but just always keep wondering what it would be like. I'm a bit of an overthinker at times and can have a tendency to talk myself out of doing something. After two and half years my head can still be all over the place at times and still sometimes can't comprehend he's not here. I'm just glad we have this forum to come to and can all relate to how we all feel. I wish you well. Take Care. 

Vicky. 

I have been crying more lately, I can’t say why in particular. It could be arranging the headstone, it could be the lead up to Christmas, it could be that I still hug a fleece for comfort every night, it could be that I have withdrawn into myself, it could be that people I thought of as close friends have stopped contacting me, it could be the the responsibility for everything, it could be the horrible dreams I am still having. Or it could be that the life that I had with my darling has vapourised in front of me. Kate. Xxx

Kate, I am so sorry you are having a bad time.  Last week I visited family, I wanted to see my mum. I tried getting the old gang together for a meal, they came up for Sue's funeral. All I got was if they going I'm not. So I gave up. All I wanted was a remembrance meal as it was 10 months. I did think I was going to have a drink with my best friend, but he cancelled. So still a pariah. I'm still seeing that night every Friday. It seems like everything that goes wrong is amplified. I know I am withdrawing into myself. So Kate keep posting, we understand, we can do this. Step by step. 

Dear Ghost, Kate and everyone else here.

Been a while since I posted, but have been going through a pretty tough time. for the last few months. Its now nearly 15 months since Anne was taken. I have been receiving counselling and therapy for the last 2 months (was diagnosed with traumatic bereavement, complex grief and PTSD - yay me, the full set!). It has been hard, but is now starting to help. In the early sessions, the counsellor said that I hadn't started to grieve- every time  "grief moment" occurred, it was overwhelmed by the trauma, and my brain was shutting down, avoiding dealing with it as the memories were too intense.

So, slowly, with her help, I am working through that. Until the session 10 days ago - she had asked me to bring a few photos in. Spent 2 hours crying my eyes out, talking through the memories. Then sat in the cart for an hour recovering until I was safe to drive again.

Got home, then it was like a dam had burst - she had said that I had 3 years of grief stored up, not dealt with (since Anne's first diagnosis to now). She was right. I don't think I stopped crying for 5 days. Not eating, not sleeping, just crying. Still weeping every day, but somehow it is a little easier, the traumatic memories still there, but not as soul-searingly raw as they were.

Anyway, enough about me! I was on the net yesterday and came across this .... wondered if it might help people.....(from Gary Sturgis, on hi "surviving grief" facebook site.  It seem to reflect so many of our journeys through this hellscape

The Loneliest Road You’ll Ever Walk

Losing someone you love is like stepping into a new world. One where time doesn’t heal all wounds, it just teaches you how to carry them differently. You’ll feel that loss for as long as you live. Long after the funeral is over and the last words of condolence are spoken.

When the funeral ends…something else begins.

One of the loneliest roads you’ll ever walk.

People are there for you at first. They bring casseroles (because food is love, right?), they cry with you, they listen to your stories about the person who’s gone.

But then…life calls them back.

It’s not because they don’t care; they simply have their own busy lives to live. After the funeral, the crowd thins and, suddenly, you find yourself surrounded by silence in a way you never expected.

Sometimes, the ones who disappear weren’t strangers at all. They may have known you as part of a couple, or as ‘the other parent,’ or just part of a family unit. But now, with the person who died gone, the dynamic has changed. Suddenly, they don’t know how to act around you any more. And that confusion can make them walk away.

There’s also the misconception that if you appear okay, you must be okay. People see you functioning, getting through the day, maybe even a little smile, and assume you’re ‘over it.’ If only they knew that the quiet moments alone, those moments without witnesses, are where the real struggle lives.

Here’s the thing…you might be holding it together on the outside, but inside, you’re falling apart.

The true test of grief isn’t in those immediate days after the funeral. It’s in the months, the years, when the well-meaning crowd has gone home, and you’re left with the silence again.

That’s when grief sneaks in. In the quiet, ordinary moments, when a song, a smell, or a forgotten object sends you reeling back to the pain you thought had settled.

So, when you are walking this road, you’re not alone in your loneliness.

We see it, feel it, and understand it.

And know, we are here for you…even when the crowds have gone home.

Sorry its so long.

Chris

People can be so bloody selfish, it is truly astounding. Thank you for your kindness, and non-judgement. My husband Paul, always used to say that I was “Too hard on myself.” It came from being one of five children, and experiencing severe poverty and neglect, from rubbish parents through childhood. I was one of those free school meals children, and felt ashamed of it. I was determined to survive, and have based our family on them feeling loved and cared for. That trust and love that I received can never be replaced, and I miss my him so much. We had such a wonderful life together, full of laughter and love.

I do recognise that I was extremely fortunate as some people never experience that. However, it is a “Double Edged Sword”. If I hadn’t loved as deeply, I wouldn’t be suffering as much. Would I choose a different path ? Absolutely not. Although, this is the first time I ever allowed myself to love deeply. Maybe this is why I am suffering so badly. I can’t seem to get a grip on my emotions. Sending hugs to all, Kate. Xxx

Thank you Chris for posting. The poem is very true, it is exactly how it feels. I am trying to heal myself, but I just don’t know how. Perhaps, I need more courage to meet some new people who understand. I do know that I don’t feel sorry for myself, it is more the intensity of the emotion that I am finding difficult. Kate. Xxx

As they say Its the price we pay for love. Without loving so deeply and wholly, we would not hurt so deeply and wholly.

Ive sobbed at the drop of a hat this past couple of days. More than I did last week. Christmas doesnt help, I am dreading it, and its the anniversary of my mums death coming up so Im an emotional wreck. Tomorrow might be a better day, who knows? 

Love to all on this s**t path.

Sometimes, sobbing is only outlet we have. The honesty of it, matters. I thought I had come up with a plan that would work for Christmas. Low key, no need to make it a big deal. Well, it hasn’t worked. All of our lovely past memories of Christmas keep replaying. My husband Paul loved it. The socialising, cooking Christmas Dinner, spending hours unwrapping presents. All of the tiny rituals that you have as a family. At least I can be honest here. It sucks, big time.  Kate. Xxx