10 months

Hi I'm now 11 months in. Started councilling but spent whole hour crying then felt shit for 2 days more than normal.  As you are don't cry every day but feel worse when I don't as don't want to move on either.  Same as you not suicidal but do not want to be here another 30 years without my partner.  Its torture and people just don't understand. Hugs to you x

Hi. Im just 7 weeks into this awful world, still spinning, feeling lost and, well, broken.

Im 61, so I dont feel that Im old and yes, the thought that I could spend 20+ years without him fills me with dread. 

Please try not to compare yourself with others in terms of moving on. Others may be putting on a front to show they are OK, even after 7 weeks I find myself doing that. As you say, you grieve at your pace, not anyone elses, and 10 months really isnt that long. 

And it isnt rambling, sometimes getting the thoughts out can help, and you are amongst others that understand.  Keep chatting, we support each other in some small way.

Hello Ghostlove     

                                                                                                                                                                                        Sorry you're feeling as you are and you are right this is just an absolute shit experience for us all. I find myself recently thinking about Jay a lot. This year has been really hard I feel and I'm really feeling his loss this year. Tomorrow is the 1st of December and I am about to go into my 3rd Christmas without him. I think because I have had those two big life events this year my son's wedding at the start of the year and the birth of my 2nd grandchild last month it has made his loss that more prominent plus this time of the year as i've said already- sounding like a broken record- that the days feel so short and the nights so long. The first two years have been ok but for some reason not this year. As some are saying here you try to re-invent yourself but it is hard and it's right some days you become so pleased with yourself if there is something that you have actually achieved on your own but then its as though feelings of sadness just creep up on you and you realise that your other half is not here to see you achieve that. An instance was last week when my son and daughter in law took me out to dinner for my birthday. They booked a table at a restaurant Jay and I had been to several times but meant I had to drive there because their car was full with car seats and carrycots etc. I managed to drive there on my own even though it was dark (5 o'clock) but was so pleased that I managed it and just sat and wondered what he would have made of it all. He was the one who kept biting my ear at the end to get back to driving again and told me I could do it and William too (my son) so I had both of them `ganging up on me`. I am so glad that I did though and just having that extra wee bit of independence feels good and I am doing my best to look after his Hyundai car for him that was his pride and joy. The driving has just become 2nd nature to me again and the best thing about it too is the car is an automatic so more or less a breeze to drive because it does all the work for you and you're just using the two pedals and it means I am able to be here for my older sister and take her to her numerous hospital appointments. I feel now  too I am starting to `want to start doing things again` but at times the incentive is just not there and then I get angry with myself and Jay is not here to discuss what we could or should be doing and everything is all down to me now.

I get what you are saying about things being hit n miss for you. I'm not one for group activities and prefer to do things on my own but just always keep wondering what it would be like. I'm a bit of an overthinker at times and can have a tendency to talk myself out of doing something. After two and half years my head can still be all over the place at times and still sometimes can't comprehend he's not here. I'm just glad we have this forum to come to and can all relate to how we all feel. I wish you well. Take Care. 

Vicky.