My husband passed away last Wednesdays i only had 4 weeks to come to terms with the fact he had lung cancer the problem when I think about him I only remember the last 3 days of his life even though we had 20 wonderful years together
On the Monday he had a blood test before his treatment was to start i had to wash him as he had lung cancer and he would get out of breath doing simple tasks it was the first time I had to wash him and there was time words said I got upset and said i couldn't handle it it was more the fact that I didn't know what I was doing we both said sorry but I still feral guilty about that
On the way back from the blood test we were told to go straight to hospital as they picked up that he had low sodium levels waiting for him to go in to be seen he told me he was really scared I could just say he was going for tests and would be out with some medicine it was hard not being able to go in with him with covid he never left
I got a call from the hospital the next day saying I needed to go in to see him as he had gone down hill his lung cancer had spread to his throat and was caucusing fluid on the brain he was verry confused and could not make any conversation with me he just wanted to know when ideas taking him home i had to lie to him and say the doctors needed to make him better soon
last Wednesday he passed the only thing he could do was say I love you if i said it to him his 3 older kids got to say good buy to him thankfully but his dad and sister missed him by minutes I think they blame me
We decided years ago that we didn't want a funeral and with things the way they are at the moment with lockdown i thing we made the right decision his kids are ok with it as I am going to turn some of his ashes in to a glass keep sake for them but his dad and sister think in am being cold they don't see me crying every day
Sorry its a long post but I didn't just loose my husband i lost my best friend and I can't get his last 3 days out of my mind i feal guilty and lonely all the time
Your Mum will be a great comfort to you and I bet your Auntie would be glad to talk to you too, I suppose it depends on her circumstances and 'happennings' at the time but she is living proof to you that we get through and move forwards.
I don't have my Mam anymore but we weren't close anyway, this site/forum has got me through -so far so good!!!
Ending your phone calls on higher note is good - your Mum is also your special friend by the sounds of things 
Keep reading and posting we're all in this together!! xx
Hi Pooka
reading your post this morning made me cry, I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through this.
Covid has caused so much heartbreak. It is so cruel that you weren’t allowed to be with your husband.
My husband went into hospital on good Friday, I couldn’t visit,just phone calls, he came out the following Friday and then died at home in the early hours of Sunday morning. I was so lucky to be with him, just us two, very frightening, I was told he had weeks left.
No one knows how much time they have and we all have regrets but you can’t change what’s gone. Remember the love you shared it will comfort you. 
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