Can't think of the good times

Hi Kat

I really do not have any comforting words as it is so so early for you.  You have to give yourself a little bit of time and at this moment you have everything going on in your head, we have all been there, and i am afraid it one step in front of the other, then one day at a time.

I still have those thoughts  but they are getting longer between them and it has just passed a year for me.

Every one is so different in how they process this journey we have had to endure and i would not wish it on anyone.

Others will pop in, but i did not want you to think no one was there for you but there is, i  would not have got where i am without this group.

Your words have not been wasted, but you must look after yourself as well/

Take Care Ellie xx

Thanks for the kind words It is getting on my nerves when in hear people complaining that they can't go to the pub or buy cloths when in think I could not hold my husband's hand during each of his hospital visits till the end and by then I don't know if he recognised me 

It is hard those lasting memories are so new and you do rerun them, i know i did and still do some times,

It has taken me a while but at times i do have a giggle to my self remembering the good times and we had many.

I seem to talk to him more now than when he was here,  and always tell him about my day good or bad.

Kat it is so early for you, you have to go threw all different emotions and you wonder where they came from. Its not just crying so many more evolved  that i had never realized, but we do get threw them, we have to.

You did what you could and had to for your husband, and i am sure he new you was there.

My hubby lost his sight and voice right at the end, but i kept talking to him, i was told the last think that goes is hearing so i kept repeating my self talking to him. He knew i loved him always have always will right to the end.

Please use this  group, let out all you emotions here, rant, cry, scream, every one here truly understands what you are going threw we have all been there and are all at different stages of this grieve road.

Only some one that has experienced it truly understands.

Ellie x

Hi Kate so sorry for your loss. It's early days for you and there is so much to do and you will have some good family who can support you along the way. We can't control what time some1 is going to pass and I hope your husbands dad and sister will understand in time that you did your best for him. It's  a strange thing about crying everyday - of course you will but not always in front of other people! I think sometimes people watch too many movies that are 'pretend' and only on for a hour or two!! 

I relive Colins last day every Sunday (32nd one coming up) and many other bereavers do so months and years later, we've all beaten ourselves up loads of times! 

You will move along with it at your own pace and you will be like me- 32weeks down the line helping somebody else who us in your shoes now.

Take care x

Please do not feel guilty, we can beat ourselves up with they whys, the why nots, the if only's, the should I? The could I? The why didn't I and the net result is the same..

You were there and at the time did your very best, you were the one there, you were the one not anyone else.

Be glad you were and please understand this is all normal...

Hi Kate

So sorry for your loss. My husband had lung cancer too. He died in about 10 weeks. But he died suddenly at home and no one was there! I feel bad about it but no longer guilty. I had no control in the end. 

You will get there, small steps at first, then a few strides and back again. I am moving forward, finding myself and taking the odd chance. But I am happy in myself now.

One day at a time. I have not quite made a year yet but close!!! 

Love and hugs

Alison xxx

Kate it’s so, so early for you at the moment, try not to think too hard about things and try and concentrate on looking after yourself, one day at a time.

My Wife’s last 3 weeks were horrendous, I cared for her at home and to watch what cancer can do to someone so strong and beautiful destroyed me and the painful memories stuck with me for a long time. I hated that, those last few weeks were not my Sharon and I hated that that was all I could think of.

Im on 14 months now and glad to say whilst those 3 weeks are in my memory, they are very much easing into the background and the memories of Sharon my beautiful soulmate and the good times we had are to the fore.

Take care x

Thanks den1968 it worried me that all the good memories were taken over by 3 horrific days I don't know what would of been harder more time with him but going though all the pain with him at home like so many on here or the way he was taken so quickly without giving me time to prepare as I was only told that he had 24hr left 

Hi Kat,

It will be 3 years ago tomorrow since my husband died of lung cancer. We had 9 weeks from diagnosis to his death. He died suddenly at home in the early hours, but I wasn't with him as was sleeping in our spare room as he was using an oxygen machine.

I just wanted to reassure you that the memories of the last few days WILL fade with time. Today, I watched the Grand Prix, a sport we both followed and I could think of him and how much he would have enjoyed watching the race. It was nice to be able to have a happy memory, and you will have the same, I'm sure, in the future.

I don't often come onto the site these days, but I found so much support here when I really needed it and I think you will too. It is good to be in touch with people who've had similar experiences.

Sending you a big hug x

Dear Kate,

I am so very sorry for your loss. It was all very sudden and it is heartbreaking the sad. I am glad you have come here where you will find a lot of people who have gone through a similar situation and therefore understand you and what you are going through.

I lost my husband Paul in May 2018, almost 2 1/2 years ago, and I can tell you that in the first couple of months I could hardly think of anything else apart from our last night in hospital: what I had said, what he had said, what I could've done better, what I shouldn't have done... I Tom mentored myself with this so much. And, over time, the memory of the last day was replaced by the memories of the good times, our lovely togetherness, beautiful walks, fantastic holidays, the little things in life that really means so much.

I have come to believe that we need to play out these last seen in our mind until we are ready to let them go a little, until we have kind of processed the trauma that it was, and then we are able to move on to other things and see the good things again.

so my advice would be to give yourself time and be compassionate and gentle with yourself. I hope you have family and friends who, even though they can be with you in this time of lockdown, support you on the phone and on email and of course this group it's always there for you to.

Best wishes Mel