Online grieving - pros and cons ?

Hi NellieJ.  I’ve endured the very same experience.  During January and February in particular I was very busy caring for Lynn, injections, tablets, cooking, house work, personal care and appointments doing everything.   Then bang all that busy life stops when our spouse/partner dies.  That’s shock number 1.  the worst part.  The love of my life gone forever.  What an incredibly painful time.  No sooner we had the funeral lockdown hit.   

Shock number 2 is grieving alone in my house.  You describe how I feel and my lockdown experience very well I couldn’t of put it better myself.

Take care

Peter x 

Thanks Peter that is really helpful and sounds like our timings were similar - my partner died Feb 19th, Funeral Friday 13th March - and the three months +  before death a shit storm of caring at home and decline and fraught-tness and an unfunny version of Carry on Nursing from me. So going from that, to death to funeral to the Big Silence does seem to have unhinged me from the human world. If I find another Zombie Survival Kit rucksack I will save it for you.  

Thanks NellieJ just the job.   Briefly before the lockdown I took to visiting my neighbours sipping coffee on their couches, since I couldn’t bear sitting in my empty house without Lynn  my situation was Lynn died 13th February, funeral 24th February, then gradually my world got smaller then lockdown.   A very strange year.

It's so hard lost my hubby just a year ago I find it a lot better to talk on hear that to friends I try to put a very brave face on 

Also with lockdown you never saw anyone I am lucky still have my son 18 at home .What I find hard is when you see folk you have not seen since start of lockdown asking how you how you are and you can feel the tears welling up ...where as if we had been out and about I think we would of been pasted this stage .  I live in central Scotland and for last few weeks we can't visit others folk so it's back to thinking to much if you know what I mean 

Hi everyone, this is a very interesting topic. Personally, I feel that the online forum is very helpful because not only can we take our time to write down our thoughts and feelings but we can also take our time when we read the replies and comments from other people. And also I find these groups so helpful because we can go back over our posts again and see how much we have changed and how far we have come all the time. I don't know if I would have gone to a bereave meant group sitting across from other people talking about my bereave meant. And now in COVID-19 it would be so much more difficult and even impossible. So I think what we are doing here is really wonderful. The only problem is that they have made this site so much more difficult for us which is really a pity. I also wish that we would be allowed to share our personal details here so that we could get in contact with each other outside of this forum for those of us who want that. Best wishes to all of you!

Hi Melaniel

I like chatting on here too. I am not a touchy feely person as such so not sure sitting around in a circle would have quite been me. But it is easy to chat to those who can't see you. I do feel I have friends here too that understand. I too am lucky to have young adult children at home. It has helped. I too like to move forward and I am trying to be me! 

I maybe made a slight error in meeting an old male friend, maybe it was just he wasn't quite the right sort of guy because although he was fun and mice to talk to, he also had his brain in his pants! Lol. Lesson learnt and although I was upset at the time, I can see a funny side and I like to have a sense of humour.

I just wish my mum would let me develop, she seems to.think I have to stay in a black veil and wait a desired length of time before I go out in the world!!! Lol. 

Love and hugs Alison xxx

Alison..guy fancied you he liked you, you can tell mum to sod off...nicely or just yell her to sod off...

MelanieL - you mention being able to meet up - I would be happy to socially distanced anyone if they are in the Sussex area - I guess we have option to private message people if we want to share details or if there are people near each other they could identity a venue - or even just a bit of a stroll/ dog walk.   Because I have stumbled around this site, I found a thread of posting of a bunch of people 3 years ago who all went to Blackpool for the day ! - Covid days this is not possible but maybe smaller thngs in local areas - Also I have joined Way Up and real names and areas are on that and the site is more geared up for people meeting local people (again Covid changed this)

Nellie J, this is how I feel about online grieving, too - to be fair, though, if lockdown restrictions were not in place, I still wouldn't be grieving in the "real" world, so this is the best I can hope for. 

This may sound very stupid to you all, but I have only just realised that I AM grieving. Is that good? I feel so mean and small just visiting you all to grieve. I feel like a character in a novel. When I do go out, I refuse to play the part! 

It's just a mess. What will happen if I don't grieve so that people can see? Do they think I am lacking in feeling, Should I care what they think? 

All these questions, and more, folks, once I get out of this current pit I am languishing in.

Sue 

Hi D-Oz - I guess, for me  - I have not done this sort of grieving before.  - yes parents die, friends die, brothers trying to die by suicide but failing, my partners son died rather tragically and dramatically  at 26 (I saw my partner felled like an elephant - and he was the strongest person I know) - but loss of a partner and all the intimacy that was part of it feels so different.

In the year before he died we had our hands cast in iron - we hare holding hands. There is a lamp behind it - this lamp goes on first thing. I dont know how to do real world grieving.......but here is my repertoire - all of it feels fake

To people not seen long time : "hello, sorry to hear about XXX........"   Me: "thanks,  the hospice were great, it was peaceful"  (lie, lie - the end month was a shit storm),  how is your cat, ?

To close friends who dont get it:   "how are you doing" (sad face, dead partner face, sympathetic head tilt) Me: "I am getting there and list a couple of practical things,   did your car pass the MOT?  Lie, Lie Lie - not getting there but dont and cant talk about my feelings or the loss of our relationship, or the fact that it was only him and lot of effort that could cut my big toenails and I want to touch him - 

To neighbours : " I saw his ashes in the window and wanted to say sorry and how are you ?  Me: "thank you, doing ok, ad the dog likes sitting next to the ashes in the window"  No lie about the dog sitting next to the ashes, but that is only because the dog always sat on the window sill

I think what I give to the outside world are tiny little fragments of a few words and tip of iceberg - not even the tip, just the glimpse of the tip. It feels to big to share.