A year later

Aww Barbara 1 year coming up for you- I am stressing about 25 weeks since Colin died. I go to his graveside everyday and hate Sundays. Do you work?  I go 3 days (5 hours)a week but have put my name forward for voluntary redundancy cos the public are getting on my wires!! When I'm there it does distract me but also p's me off!! Keep posting/reading on here - we are all a5 different stages so do 'get it' when we share  experiences.  

Xx

Hi Barbara Hi Bootsy. My husband died five months ago, and that was five months after first X-ray found lung cancer.  We all know the basics about keeping busy, but we also all know, don’t we? that’s only a fig leaf. It is very difficult. I am lucky to have a p/t job. Without it...I would be REALLY struggling, and like others I find evenings are tough, empty. I’m exploring whether or not it’s possible to start a “post bereavement “ group locally.Or join one that’s already running. I think a group of six would be fine. So that’s a possibility. The other idea I’m considering is getting a dog. My cats would hate it so it’s probably unrealistic for now., but it’s an option that has helped other people I know. I have lots of hobbies, but without company , I don’t find they help that much. I think there are times when it’s really hard, but also other times when it’s a bit easier , and I’m sorry you are struggling right now. I also believe that the first 12-18 months must be the toughest, and other friends bear this out.  So at this stage..., I’m not expecting myself to be “normal”. I’m just trying to slog on , for now, to get through this mist grim period , plus the s###ing virus, without expecting too much of myself, without  trying to look ahead too much...because like you I can’t imagine how the future can look positive. I’m hoping that friends are right, that later on the grief will begin to retreat enough, like an underground river, so that I can feel less trapped by it. We are doubly hurt by the virus, because it is so very difficult to make future plans and that’s ...for me....such a big component of normal life. Best wishes. Don’t be hard on yourself...of course the one year anniversary is going to be hard...but when you get past it Ihope you will feel better.  This may be a mad thing to say but I’m gonna say it anyway....I do believe that I will get through this,  and I do believe that I will be made  stronger and wiser through it. And that’s what keeps me going. xxxx

Hello BootsyD

Thank you for your message.  Sorry that you have lost your husband too.  I do have part time work - would be lost without it - need to have purpose and structure to carry on.  Your grief is still very raw - it does get easier as you find ways to cope - look for any positives you can find and concentrate on those.  Good luck

Hello JSBach.  Thank you for your inspirational reply.  I think that a post bereavement group is be a great idea.  There's not much out there, apart from dating sites!  Your friends are right - the grief does get a little easier as you learn to cope. The anniversary was difficult, but family came round and we all had dinner and had a lovely time yesterday.  Your loss is comparatively recent and I know how you must be feeling.  I can thoroughly recommend a dog. Dogs offer great companionship and comfort - they do sense when you are down and are surprisingly empathetic.  They also offer a bit of security in that they will sense any unusual movement or noise around your home long before you do and a dog's bark will deter any potential intruder.

Keep your chin up - I look forward to hearing more about a group soon. 

Definitely  get a dog. Cats can adapt. I have found,  making sure I have everyday quick hellos with strangers. In shops, out in the dogs park. Anything to remind mw that the world is bigger than my sadness. I am finding strangers or less close friends easier to chat to.  The covid shut down any group things and my area don't seem to be starting a thing.  I did join Way Up. Which is a bereavement site and they do meet ups or did before covid.  Unnerved me a bit  as Way Up is not anonymous but I did meet a couple of  other widows in the flesh which was quite  reassuring.  

Thank you for your message.  I know what you mean about strangers being easier to talk to.  I don't know about you but I would like to make new acquaintances of both sexes - there seems to be an assumption that widows need other widows to talk to and widowers are excluded.  I'm sure that there are others, e.g. gay partners who need to chat too.  I don't think grief cares what sex we are - we all have to bear the same crushing feelings and we can all help each other.

Keep talking!

hi -  I agree its about whoever can be around regardless of gender of sexuality -  my partner that died was a man but my previous long term relationship was with a woman and hear too much of the hidden grief of people in same sex relationships. Many years ago someone in our group was i a same sex relationship and the partner died and the womans family excluded her from everything including the funeral and banned her from any contact - big lesson about making wills and lasting powers of attorney to secure relationships. 

I seem to be avoiding landing too much on friends - i dont really iike the labels and boxes and I can only identify with the word widow as having labelled myself The Butch Widow Twanky on the motorbike - finding solace in having more superficial conversations about engine size and what locks are best.  I think the isolation of lock down and reduced human contact has been a bit tricky so I try and relish any encounters or chatting with strangers - but am aware that none of my friends have lost a partner so finding this site the place where I feel some solidarity in how much it flipping hurts. 

Hi again

We seem to agree that grief doesn't discriminate.  It is difficult to talk openly with family and friends - I think because they can't possibly fully appreciate what such all-consuming grief feels like and you feel so alone, hence the need for others who are suffering to get together and to help each other.

I do hope that these posts continue and perhaps we can organise some sort of get-together in the not-doo-distant future, Covid permitting.

Thank you for posting - looking forward to more.

I also think that my friends (especially ones that say "oh you can talk to me") might find it hard to understand how much I have valued this online life and the frankness and variety of discussions -  I was not much of a social media person before lock up and had never been on a discussion on the interweb before - but have become very attached to it. I also recently started up Facebook and after trying to 'friend' my dead partner, - thats weird, I have overcome my fear that I will accidentally sell my mother to the circus and have even managed to post a few things.  

Funny that I dont even know where people are in the country - but sending a wave from the sunny sussex coast - 

Hi total know what you mean by the web ..I do Facebook but only for the groups I have joined ..have loads of friends requests but only got 9 close friends on it as it can get you down when everyone post all the happy photos , what they got , where they are going ect .

i don't do any of the others chat things like zoom FaceTime ect but I really like this group and love reading and joining in the post as everyone one understands where you are coming from ..ps I am in central Scotland x