Ok, so 5 months in, my two sons have just gone back to university, and evenings are darker. Still clearing out junk, Working a bit more, baking flapjacks for a Macmillan coffee day attempt ( raised a decent amount thanks to very generous friends). I’m trying to keep busy...and yet . I’m finding I don’t at all like sitting alone in the house.. Thinking I might move the furniture around so I’m not sitting on the sofa where Mark was, dying, all those five months...but I’m not sure that’s going to do much. I have one evening activity every week. Apart from that....my goodness this is really really hard. I’ve been sheltered from tgrim reality while the boys were with me, but this is it, and it’s not good. I suppose I could relearn all my piano scales, but for some reason that’s not grabbing me. I’ve taught myself crochet, which is fine, but...the news of continuing social restrictions has hit me hard. No bereavement group, no choir, any other potential outlets limited ( can’t go and learn German, or anything like that ?). I end up sitting in the kitchen to avoid the other room, and I am still struggling with finding tv...I try stuff and end up. thinking, I just can’t be bothered with this... Does anyone else recognise this ? Dramas and stories just seem so remote...I can’t relate to them.
You and I seem to be at the same point on our bereavement 'journey' Colin died 5 April this year (25 weeks nearly) 1 of Colins lads had been staying with us while he was going through the process of buying his future ex- wife out if their property, he went back to his own house 3 weeks after his dad passed, leaving me home alone! I went back to work after 5 weeks (I had been off since September looking after my man)
I also hang about in the kitchen, pottering around, finding my way to the fridge for another glass of wine. I hate the nights getting darker too. On the days I work till 5 30/6 pm then go to the cemetery it's really dark by 7 and I can't spend much time telling him about the day etc. I have turned into 1 of those people who we in retail hate- wandering about for too long near closing time and buying crap I don't even need!
I still cry every night while looking at his photo telling him I love and miss him so fkn much
I try to find funny things to watch on tv. Gogglebox is hilarious even though I might not have seen the program they are making fun of or Jimmy Carr's countdown spoof.
Next week I am getting a call from a counsellor from the hospice (even though he didn'tmake use of the place) so we'll see how that goes. I tell everyone I 'm ok most if the time but truthfully I am struggling too.
The songs Tears if a clown and Behind a painted smile' probably sums me up- just adapt some of the words.
OMW!! haven't I gone on a bit!! JSBach you are not alone but you are one of us and we will get 'there' wherever that is. Police and virtual hugs xx 
Don't know how that word police came up 
I typed- Lotsalove 
x
I was wondering! Thank you for sharing your ...so very similar..experience . Like you and your Colin, Mark and I were best friendsMust have been tough being on your own so swiftly. At work they see positive version of me. Then I get home, and yuk, cooking for one, and it’s hard. But you are right about comedy...funny does still work, which is quite amazing really. Best hugs. Hope you will find the counselling useful...I’ve had some support which I have appreciated, and have signed up for more. Hugs
