Any advice or views please. ... ex-wife

I think you already know what you want to do. Our loved ones arnt here to ask anymore decisions now are up to us .A kind act of compassion is  far more important for you as much as anyone else .You have all the memories of your partner and he built a life with you and in the end you were his and he was yours.I think you are a lovely person take care x

Hi Nellie,

I would say do as you feel is right. It is your choice. I invited Ric's ex wife to his funeral as I felt she needed to grieve too. I always got on with her and they spoke to each other. She was genuinely upset and they had 3 children together and 26 years together. I am not sure I would give her ashes though and I did scatter them alone.

I would probably give the ring back because you don't really want it I think from what you said. If not sell it and put the money towards something you would like. 

Love and hugs Alison xxx

I’m probably going to be in the minority here with my opinion. My husband left letters to myself & our grown up children expressing that his estranged sister did not get told about his funeral or have any of his possessions. It was his wish & we respected that as there was precious else we could do for him after he’d passed. His sister hadn’t visited us for over 30 years & only sent Christmas cards, no phone calls as she preferred to spend time with her friends in Lanzarote & Greece than with family. 

He had only told family & friends that he thought could be trusted about his cancer ( he didn’t want fake sympathy & needed to be treated as “normal”)  He was devastated to learn that one of those he’d confided in had told his estranged sister . Having had a confidence broken at that horrendous time I was determined to do exactly as he’d asked after he’d passed. 

Im sure you’ll make the right decision for you....I’d definitely return the ring!

Hi Nellie,

I think you have shown such kindness to his ex-wife already.

I'm not sure that I could give her any of the ashes if he despised her.

As regards the coroner's report I think I would give it to one of their children to keep and let them decide when/if the time is right to let her see it 

Nellie you are such a good person to worry about her, but in doing so I think you are putting unfair pressure in yourself 

Lizzy

Hi Nellie,

My husband had a very rocky relationship with his ex-wife. Over the years, he became very close to his son with a few hic ups along the way. 

I still have a really good relationship with my stepson, so we dealt with the ashes together. Just him and me. 

In my case, I feel my husband would really not want to be anywhere near his ex-wife. Too much history!

For now, the ashes are in a very nice pot with a planted rose bush that my stepson gave us on our wedding day shortly after the diagnosis. My husband had asked for his ashes to be scattered in the garden but I could not do this as was not sure if I would move or not. 

I think, with time, I may pass it onto my stepson. It took me a while to decide what to do that still honoured my husband's wishes and taking into account cultural differences. 

I will always have time for my stepson and will also always bear him in mind. 

I would definitely give the ring back and do what feels right for you and the children involved regarding the ashes but that's just me based on how things were for us!

With lots of love,

Dutsie Xx

Don’t give the ring back. It’s yours to sell. Don’t give any ashes they are yours to do whatever you want with.  Why do we always tie ourselves in knots on what we hope is right. You have lost him. It hurts. You can decide what you want to do. You are not responsible for his children or his x-wife. That died with him. You cannot be all things to all people. What do you want to do in a completely selfish way. Be honest. Do it. 

What would he want? How would he play it? Do that, job done....

Thank you all. Seeing views and thoughts has really helped me see some wood for trees. 

His boys were most important to him and his only concern was doing right for them, and not making things harder for them. So it feels right that I leave it to tthe boys (men)  to make sure their mother ok and do that in whatever way they feel helps - she is their mother.  I hold no bad feelings to her, but also I am not responsible for her. 

I have decided that I will give them one  pot of ashes and they can give her some as they see fit . Then I dont need to be dishing out bits of  him to her.   I am not going to decant into three pots, they can do this from one pot. I find it personally quite distasteful that he is portioned up, but  I can get over that. 

My partner had to be divided up anyhow as when transferred from the Crematorium  Basics Hoover Bag and Box into the scattering tube. He did not all fit as the ashes had swollen being on a damp windowsill,  so has been divided up already (uggh). 

I am going to  hold onto the ring for now and not do anything. Something will feel right another time. I know he did not keep it out of sentiment to her more of not a tidy person and it was at the bottom of a bag of junk - The ring can wait. It might be that it gets naturally lost, or given to a person on the street, or something will occur in time. It was useful to separate out the ring from the other things. I don't need to do it all together. 

I am going to give the coroners report to the sons and leave them to all manage that. It wont be easy for whoever gets it but it belongs with them as a family and  I cannot hold responsibility for how they feel about it and I have to leave the boys/men to manage it. 

Thank you