As Time Goes By ....

Hi Geoff,

Yours is a very brave post, personal and with an obvious declaration of love and devotion to your late wife.

I don't think any of us will really be able to shed light on why things were like they were for you both, that was your story.

However, the path of grief we are all on takes many forms ... sadness, reflection, anger, despair, realisation and many more. We traverse it at different times and different paces. We fall down and then pick ourselves up, some of us move on faster, some will never move on. No path is better than the others, they are all part of our own journeys.

To me it sounds like you had a rounded happy marriage and I can only guess that cancer took away from Anne the energy and ability to do anything other than fight the disease to allow her to remain by your side for as long as possible.

Lizzy

Hi Geoff

I too had ten years non sexual  due to Carla's underlying health issues. I dont resent this as it was my choice. 

Any kind of rebuilding of that side of me seems a long and ominous path in some ways, but light burns brightly at the end of that path...

I think for those of us who are affectionate and demonstrative people can be bemused and hurt by the stand offishness of those we care about, but if they are not they are not. I assume when your wife knew her time was finite she became more able to express her love for you. 

As for the negative aspects people come as a package we can't choose the bits we want but have to accept the whole person.

With best wishes

Dear Geoff,

We had a great physical relationship right up to a few months before Andy's death, so I can't really give any perspective from that point.

But we did have some pretty ropey times in the early days, and these come back to me now. They strengthen me, though - I would rather have ropey times with Andy than good times with someone else. All the times we had were precious - good and bad. 

It's what it was, Geoff - and what it was, was extraordinary - I am sure this is the same for you and Anne. You don't need to analyse it xx

Thanks everyone.

Sound advice Dorothy. Im terrible as over analysing things.

Love and Light 

Geoff x

Yes, Dorothy, I really think you are right and that is very good advice for all of us who are constantly trying to analyse the past.

Why as Bereaver's do we analyse so much? 

I'm constantly wondering if things from the past are my fault, storing them up to "beat myself up with" at a later date. 

Then as I move forward questioning everything good and bad, mainly the good things .... do I deserve happiness etc.

Us humans are a pretty weird complex bunch aren't we!

Lizzy

Ah the over analytical mind, as an engineering type I want rational.answers.. recently I have been unable to rationalise my situation and have decided to go forward on instinct alone!

Well, mccmcc, even with the analytical mind, we still do that anyway. It's just that we are analytical by instinct

Trying to rationalise emotions can be done, but it doesn't really change them. And do you want to change them? Sometimes the only way I know I am alive is when I am suffering, and I am finding the best way is just to go through it, and wait for better feelings to come along, which they do eventually, even if it's just a kind word from a stranger that makes me part of this world again.

We are marvellous, we humans. I often feel like an alien, but folk like you draw me back into the race again.

Because, you see, even though we are here on this site, joined by godawful circumstances, I know that even before these things happened in our lives, you were still the same wonderful kind and caring people you are proving to be now. It is not your loss that has made you this way, you were like that before, 

Love all xx Dot

MCC I think that is all we can do.

Despite our different circumstances we are all here for the same reason, we've been through a pretty horrific experience but instinct bought us all here and we have found friends and support.

Lizzy

Dot

Thank you for posting such lovely comments. Maybe we were all kind and caring people before we all "met".

I just find it difficult to understand why it happened to us all and how devastating the effects of cancer are for so many and not just the "patients"

Life throws up all sorts of challenges and sometimes even the good ones can feel insurmountable. No doubt about it I am stronger for it even if I'm a little ragged around the edges still.

 Have good Tuesdays everyone

Lizzy