Realising its permanent

Hi 

I feel stuck because I couldn't scatter Ric's ashes but I have a day booked off to go this now! It feels better to be able to do this 

Love and hugs Alison xxx

at the cemetery tonight I just cried for him because I really felt the loss and that he is NOT coming back!! I really needed a hug from him tonight but instead came home 9ish locked the door and waited for the solar lights to come on in the garden - as if that's when he appears to me, it's real alright!!!

Hi everyone,

I am so sorry to hear that for some of you lockdown and the whole crazy situation we are all in has made your grieving process worse. And it is totally understandable when we are so isolated from Family and friends and sometimes can't leave the house for days except for when we go shopping. For me this has been a little different because in March, right before the lockdown in the Republic of Ireland, my parents and I decided that I would come over to them to stay with them during this crisis. I really don't know what I would have done otherwise as I have never been a person who can bear to be on her own for any length of time nor do I have the wish or willingness to learn it at this stage of my life. And I know I am only 38, but I still do not want to be someone I am not. It is two years and two months since I last Paul. It took me awhile to let the realisation that it was permanent sink in and I really believe that this is because it is something so painful to realise that our psyche has to choose the right moment for us to realise this. Now what is happening to me is that, from now and then, I have moments where I feel startled by the realisation yet again that this is permanent but somehow I am now used to the ache and sometimes even pain it creates in me to realise this once again. Saturday night was one of those situations. After having been happy and cheerful all day, the realisation hit me once again when I was in bed in the evening and even a few tears came and I think this is absolutely normal to happen.
but, Alison, it really resonates with me what you were saying in your post that we have still so much life to live and our husbands would not want us to not enjoy our lives or find and at least somewhat new normal where we can be something like happy.

Love to all of you, Melanie.